Sunday, August 11, 2013

Incubus Dreams--81-END

I think I'm going to begin rating my work-weeks by "I didn't quit this week". I have literally ended days this week with my two-week's notice in my fucking pocket. This is not to say that I hate my job. It's certainly hate-able, but when everything works (which is rare these weeks) it fucking rocks. But if you ever wonder how I can read this shit and comment, it is because I still have to smile and respond to customers. I have perfected the ability (when not overcome by fucking heat stroke) to accept the most henious of ass-chewing behind the scenes and still sound perfectly sane and rational when on the floor. This requires nerves of steel.

If aliens and/or zombies ever attack the earth it will be retail and restaurant workers who save us all.

That said, I managed to get quite a bit of A Promise Kept, the next Gray Prince book, done. It currently stands at 4k words, which isn't a lot, but I've worked the plot out, and that's 90% of the battle. I have also decided that, due to the wheels within wheels of religious symbolism This Found Thing developed when I wasn't looking, there will be four "books" in that series, (as well as in the Exiles series) and that the first volume will comprise This Found Thing, Our Daily Bread and A Promise Kept.

 The official title for this serialized novel/omnibus is The Sign of Eagles.

 If you can guess the other three titles and explain where it came from, I will do something awesome for ya'll.

There is a clue somewhere in the above paragraphs. I have to read this? I do? Okay. Whatever. Gimme a beer.

Anita apparently explodes in the first paragraph. I am not remotely kidding.

 We were naked in the water. How had we managed to get out of the jeans that fast? A piece of jean cloth floated by me. Oh, that’s how.
I am also puzzled by how deep this bathtub is. See, they are already in the water, and Anita is concerned that if they use missionary position, they BOTH will drown. I love a good bathtub soak, so I must insist: HOW DEEP IS THIS BATHTUB? I could understand Partner A drowning, as long as they are folded in half with their knees locked over the faucets (An adult human cannot lie flat in a modern bathtub, unless we are talking luxury hottub. I know this. As I said, I LOVE a good bathtub) but even in the most wonderful bathtub ever Partner B should be head and shoulders over the water.

We then get a repeat that clothes are ripped away. The jeans pieces gave me that impression.

It is also amusing to interprete "himself" and all use of male pronouns as being the entire male body and not, you know, a penis:

He didn’t try to angle upward, or enter me. He simply pushed himself between my thighs, so that the thickness of him brushed against all of me. He rubbed himself back and forth, using his body like another hand, to caress and play between my legs.
I follow most of the Amazon forum conversations re: Anita Blake, because they are amusing and I am a terrible person, and they brought up a good point: LKH is not a sexually liberated woman. Just based on both the language she employs and the situations she writes about, these are the sexual fantasies of a very repressed human being. The inability to call genetalia by anatomically correct names, the fact that not one sex act is 100% consensual--thus making Anita something less than a good girl--and the horrifically unsafe practices in every single sex scene point towards these being the responsibility-free fantasies of a prude, and not, you know, anything actively worth reading. The Ardeur is Anita's blank check for sex. Nevermind that simply being human is a blank check for sex if you want it. Nope, you have to have justification.

The fact that someone can be pushing these scenes as celebrations of the sexually liberated when they are everything but is reprehensible. GOD FORBID you actively consent to sex.

We also find out that Anita is not wet enough for Micah. Water is apparently not nearly enough lube.

It wasn’t the length that was the problem, it was the width. We’d found this out the hard way, and had had the rubby spots to prove it.
Please understand that this is a woman who finds being punched in the cervix by a penis to be sexy. Micah is too big, you dig? MICAH IS TOO BIG. 

 The Ardeur goes away. Then the Ardeur comes back. Then we have lots of metaphysical erotic things that are supposed to be a substitute for descriptions of actual sex. They fail. Badly. This is about as erotic as an autopsy.

Hey, we haven't had inapproprete religious connotations in about four chapters:

“If you are both powerful, and a true mated pair, then it’s possible.” 
“You say it, like it has a name.”
 “Shiva and Pavarti, or simply Maithuna, it’s Sanskrit for union, or coupling.” 
“Shiva, who would destroy the world with his energy if Pavarti didn’t constantly have sex with him and spill off the energy.”
...because Hindu is a better religion to borrow from than Christianity.

I do not know enough about Hinduism to call bullshit on most of that, but again: this is invoking the status of a major religious deity (or deities) to make it look like your main characters are doing something more sacred than magic-drug-induced fucking. I'm willing to bet this is as out-of-context as quoting the prayer in Gethsemane.


 And oh my God, blog readers, OH MY FUCKING GOD, the descriptions. The descriptions. Please. Oh GOD I AM DYING HERE OH MY GOD.

So there is this fan-fic that is simi-famous for being the worst fic ever, and it is called "My Immortal" and it contains the line "He put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."

Apparently, LKH was channeling Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way when she wrote this scene:
So we could finally put that in there, and it was wet and tight, and hard, and everything I wanted it to be.
This is copied and pasted from the Kindle version of the book.

That is exactly as written. 




There are aliens and romance-novel virgins--who have probably had long and fullfilling sex lives of their own--who are now scratching their heads going what the bleeding fuck is she talking about. 


 Apparently the sex is so good the next sentence forgot to finish itself:

When I screamed his name and raked my nails down his back, when his body thrust one last time inside mine, thrust so far and so deep that it made me cry out again and arched his body above mine on the bathroom tile.
AND? AND? When you do this, it commonly follows that someone does something in respons--

Painted his body in flame and shadow above me, sent our hands into the candles, and spilled the candles into the water, to smoke and die, when all that was done, he looked down at me.

Folks, these are consecutive sentences. They put that in there. When she screamed and raked and thrusting happened. Painted things, sent hands, spilled candles to smoke and die. HOW DOES ANY OF THAT WORK GRAMMATICALLY. 


 I said, in a voice breathy and panting, “Metaphysics, we don’t need no stinking metaphysics.”
This is apparently a joke so funny it makes Micah wet himself.

...also, apparently Anita went into the Marinaras Bathtub with all of her weapons still on her person. The next several pages are her trying to salvage her knives and guns after their lengthy dunking. She also decides that Basic Gun Safety (IE Putting the weapons she isn't actively using into various safes) isn't worth the trouble.

Yeah. Anita can go fuck herself. At this point I'm too appalled at her everything to be disgusted at her disreguard for basic safety protocols, but I am a Texan and you don't live here without absorbing a minimum amount of gun safety.This is almost as bad as, I don't know, going into a tub with your guns on your person.

 Then we get a long paragraph about where all the guns end up.I'd say "Twenty bucks these things get fired in the next chapter' but apparently I've run into the end of this book without noticing.



Have I mentioned yet how much I hate these?

The raid made national headlines. This resulted in Anita having to ignore her phone, because there are no other paranormal investigator teams in the nation receiving this level of attention.

They missed most of the vampire serial killers, and the cops didn't bother noticing until the DNA came back without a match. And where most cops would still investigate because fuck there are serial killers still out there Anita reacts with a big fat "OH WELL."

Vittorio's Girlfriend leaves him because he's too crazy. How remarkable, given that we never met this chick at all.

Anita wonders where Vittorio went.

Denis-Luc St. John is still in the hospital in New Orleans.

Who the fuck?

I talked to him on the phone, let him know what happened to the vampires that nearly killed him. He wants a piece of them when they resurface.

No. NO. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS? This was NOT a character in this book. MAYBE this was a minor character in a previous book but we are talking Gretchen level minor. DO NOT SPRING THIS ON US IN THE SUMMERY CHAPTER. WHO THE BLEEDING BLOODY FUCK IS THIS DUDE?

 If I thought I was the only one who could track them down and save the world, I’d do it, but I’m not the only cop in the country.
BAW-HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ah ha. Ah hah. Laurel. Anita. Are you implying that there might be someone more competent at cop-ish things than Anita? Surely you gest!

 The lack of blood oaths are bad. JC and the other vampires in the nation are considering doing something about it.

Marianne did another tarot reading that duplicated the last one.

Please never discuss Tarot again. EVER.

It being identical means we’re still working through it.

Okay, Tarot is subjective to the point of meaningless-ness, but while I've had duplicate cards pop up in frequent readings that could be interpreted as significant in retrospect (Long story. Let's just say if I ever see those cards and the Tower together EVER AGAIN, I'm investing in a fucking .45) I've never had a duplicate reading. I DO NOT THINK CARDS WORK THAT WAY.

Also, I think this is LKH saying "Well fuck. I can't make heads or tails of this shit" and moving from Tarot to runes for all personal divinationy---things.

The Browns sent Anita an apology card for hurting her. Remember them? You know, the people whose son was murdered, who hired Anita so they could find out who did it? You know, it'd be nice if we pushed that investigation as far as it could go. It might even result in a plot, and the redemption of Anita as a char--

I found orchids that were the same greenish-gold as Micah’s eyes.

Okay then. Moving on.

Nathaniel got a frilly white apron, like no one’s mother ever really wore, and a string of pearls.

...are. you. fucking .serious. WILL HE VACUUM IN THEM?

  Jean Claude gets white orchids, Asher gets yellow roses. Damian does sexy things. I don't give a fuck. Next.

I’d cap Vittorio in a heartbeat.

Alright. Time to bring this shit up.

So Antia killed Random Vampire Chick in the condo without hesitation, even though there's a REALLY big possibility that she was the condo owner and was possibly turned against her will. RF pointed out in the comments that when Anita does meet Vittorio in Skin Trade, she basically smacks him with her boobs until Vittorio acheives an orgasm, and her were-tigers kill him for her. (RF is currently grinding through Hit List, go support her) So yeah. That's not "cap in a heartbeat", is it?

The only thing I know for certain is that it isn’t my job to worry about how the poor bastard turned into a killer.

Only if you're a sociopath in your own right, you fucking cold-blooded--*sigh*. If you want to be a good person it IS part of your job to wade through the thought processes of the people you encounter. Especially if you kill them. Killing should not be taken lightly. If you kill someone, you should take the time to either make sure you were correct in your judgement, or that you take steps to rectify your error. In Anita's case, that'd be turning Vittorio into a bloody smear.

...She flagellates him with her boobs. That's not going to happen.

Murder someone in my town, and I’m the one that you get to see. Once.
Last line in the book, guys.

We start the Dino book tomorrow.


  1. "Denis-Luc St. John" is not an actual French-person name. The rhythm is all wrong.

    Yeah, I'm nit-picking again. Nit-picking the technical errors in this series is easier than thinking about the moral stupidities.

    Like for instance, I would much rather think about the fact that Anita has a bathtub big enough for her to not notice floating scraps of clothing or jostle submerged weapons when she has sex in it than think about the fact that in the next book she will give a serial rapist/murderer a titty job because she feels sorry for him.

    Yay magical were-dinos!

  2. Well, this was underwhelming. I tried to read some of the new one in the book store, and it was nigh incoherent. Why why why does LKH still have a book contract?

    BTW, could you let me know your paypal address, so I can contribute to the book launch stuff?

    1. Christwriter AT hotmail DOT com. (<---neeto spam-proof addy-writing skills)

      LKH has a book contract because WHEN THE CONTRACT WAS SIGNED she was still making the bestseller lists regularly and that is all Penguin cares about. If I got all my info right, Anita Blake was topping out the charts due to carefully orchestrated drop dates and Merry Gentry was outselling AB over at another publisher because Merry is (...sigh) objectively better than the Anita Blake series has been.

      You have no idea how painful that was to write.

      So when it came time to re-negotiate book contracts LKH got a nice fat three-in-two-years contract with the implication that one of those books would be a Merry Gentry book.

      Speaking of which, that contract is up time-wise. LKH only put out two books, neither of which was the Merry book, which she apparently started re-working last month right about the time it became REALLY REALLY OBVIOUS that Affliction was tanking like the Hindenburg. There was a lot of really interesting manovering on her part during the two weeks between when Affliction dropped and she announced a new Merry Book (she announced she was working on the next AB novel. Fans screamed "BUT MERRY". Affliction started to deflate. Oh, the Anita book turned into an Anita short story that she might release in an anthology or just release like she did Beauty. One week later, Affliction is on the ass-end of the charts and suddenly Merry Gentry is talking to LKH for the first time in FIVE FUCKING YEARS.)

      So yeah, last time she went into contract negotiations with two bestselling series, one of which was totally up for grabs. The SECOND she delivers this third book, whatever it turns out to be, she heads into contract negotiations with one series DOA, the other series non-existent for three years, a back cataloge that hasn't moved, a latest release that has sold less than HALF of what the previous book did, and a history of turning books in late, if ever. It's going to be VERY interesting watching this.

      It's much more fun to read Mission Earth and play Guess the Scien-blank-ologist Theology (as well as the "Here is L. Ron Hubbard's dying subconsious" game. The series is incoherant to the point of lunacy, unless you know where he was and what he was doing when he wrote it. Then it just becomes very sad. That's not a cry for help, it's a fucking scream) but the homophobia and rape kind of got to me. (It's worse than LKH. More coherant too, which is part of what makes it worse)

  3. C'est ne pas un livre.
    Maybe we're all wrong, and LKH is just really into the surrealist movement.

  4. This Denis dude is randomly mentioned at the beginning of Skin Trade, then randomly again in the wrap-up. He never actually appears.

    Oh, they're not even HER weretigers at that point. They're weretigers he was controlling. Her making him come broke his concentration on controlling them, but that was a lucky break, she did NOT plan or expect that. She gives no indication that she had any actual plan besides boob-rubbing him, in fact, so who knows what the hell she'd done if left on her own.

    god this chapter though. I can't even.

    get the fuck OUT of Hinduism, LKH, you've already shat all over pagan faiths, Voodoo, and Christianity. I can't say whether this is technically true or not about Shiva and Parvarti, but I am certain that she's probably tragically misunderstanding it to the point of offensive even if it is.

    Dinos. Yes, dinos will be good.

    1. I have spent ALL FREAKING DAY giggling to myself while reviewing this book. HOW COULD I HAVE KEPT PUTTING THE DINO BOOK OFF? IT IS SOLID GOLD.

  5. ..."these are the sexual fantasies of a very repressed human being."

    This is why they creep me out as much as they do.

    By the by water is the anti lube which makes this sex scene even worse. It WILL strip away all that vaginal juice making for a very unfortunate sexcapade, unless you're in to that sort of pain.

    1. Given that Anita likes having her cervix punched, she just might...