Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Eternal Prey--Chapter two

Business updates first, boys and girls: I'm about halfway done with my edits for Part 2 of Dragon Breath. And when that's done we'll send it off to the editor. Which means that the Indiegogo thing is really important. Please, if you have not donated, and you want to support the book, PLEASE go support it. 

 If you have already donated, you are awesome and I love you.

Oh GAWD Guys how could I have forgotten about this book. Oh my God.

Yeah, it's kind of hard to top the baptism by fire-crazy that is the first chapter, and the second is not nearly as nuts. Oh, don't worry. It gets crazier. Like I said: EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS BOOK IS WONDERFUL.

So, where were we?
Right. Fin has just told the Eleven--who are ten men because one of them has died--plus Lia about their baddie from a few hours ago being Zero and not Seven.

These names are never not going to be fun.

Utah points out that Zero attacked him because he wanted to draw out Fin, and not because he wanted to kill Zero. Okay. Zero says call next time, and Utah says no. Zero says that the Eleven are not expendable--DUDE, they come with a freaking save point. Yes they fucking are--and it is Lia of all people who says that Zero is right, he really needs the Eleven.

While I am glad that Lia has a spine, HOW WOULD SHE KNOW THIS? Far as I know her FULL EXPERIANCE with these dudes are being rescued from a museum and watching Zero blow up Utah's car. But of course everyone agrees with Lia's sudden revelation of wisdom. Apparently she's the modern day Julian of Norwich.

Utah checks out Lia's legs. Which he can't think about, because eventually Lia will become a vampire and then he'll have to kill her.

This repeats itself frequently in every chapter.

Fin asks if there are any leads on Seven. He asks if there's any weird activity. He's answered by a guy named Q.

I'd be imagining John De Lancie in this role if there weren't a much better role for him later on in the book.

Fin says that Zero and Seven are recruiting from the paranormal population for Reasons. He singles out Lia because she leads vampires. Lia points out that the leader of the Portland vampires--she's from Philly--is pissed because he's losing people.

His name is Adam. I do not know why this fills me with joy, but it does.

 They decide to bring in Jude, another vampire who has helped them before. Lia says that Adam will be pissed because "What's his is his". Okay. Whatever.

Utah points out that Adam needs a new enforcer for the vampires because he killed the last one, and offers himself as the new guy. I am absolutely positive this will end badly.

Lia drives Utah back to his apartment. They have a long conversation about why not just kill the Immortals--because they are immortal, duh. They can't be killed--and about how it feels to be a dinosaur in modern day Earth. Apparently it's hard:

“You have to understand pack. It might seem a long time to you, but it’s only been a few months since Rap, Tor, and I hunted together. Fin saved all three of our souls and brought us here so we could once again walk the earth, hunting as one. Pack. Now one of us is gone. Without pack, something big and empty sits right here.” He fisted his hand against his chest. “I might look human, Lia, but my soul is animal. And my beast screams for revenge.”

Every time I try to wrap my mind around this concept I feel things go Sproing. And that is completely alright.

Also, apparently Utah and Tor are twins. And Rap is not. And they have no idea how Fin arranged this. Okay.

Lia reveals that her mother was awful terrible awful and that Lia wants to be different once she's a vampire. WHY SHE ISN'T ONE ALREADY is never properly explained. Lia is going to be, like, the vampire Renaissance or something. And none of this matters because apparently she and Utah live in the same building.

This is not mentioned once until Lia decides to go to the fifth floor. And guess who else lives on the fifth floor. Aww, it's a small world. Also, Utah has trouble with keys. Barbs are exchanged again, because we need to establish that they hate each other so the fucking will be part of character evolution and not, you know, just plain fucking.

Utah wakes her up in the middle of the...day, because it is now four PM and she had no problem sleeping.

I spent two years working night shifts. YOU HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING. Lia thinks she'll need blackout curtains when she's a vamp. Uh, Lia? YOU NEED THEM RIGHT NOW.

She invites him to sit on her couch while she gets coffee. The obligatory romance-novel ass-checking begins. Utah is gorgeous. We already know how he feels about Lia's legs. NEXT!

Jude is coming to pick them up. Adam has accepted Utah's deal, and Lia can't take her car because Zero turned it into a metal pancake.

They go downstairs and spend a few minutes upping the sexual tension.

Utah made her nervous, but not in an I’m-scared-of-you way. He made her aware. Of all six-feet-plus of him filling the small space. Of his hair with its shining strands tempting her to touch, to smooth, to feel. Of those predator’s eyes softened by ridiculously long lashes. Of his mouth . .  . She did a mental head shake.
They get into the car and discover that Adam, who we haven't met yet, has pounded the everloving shit out of Jude, a character we ALSO haven't met yet. Utah gets pissy, but we've already established that Utah is a big plate of flaming asshole, so we shouldn't be too surprised. The conversation implies that Jude thinks Adam has gone power-mad and is about to Take Steps. Goody.

Utah says that when he's done working for Adam, he'll kill him for beating up Jude. Because Utah is a flaming asshole, that's why.

So they drive to an abandoned art gallery-style building, nod at imposing vampires and head down to the basement, where they meet Adam.

Hey, we haven't addressed gender issues in this book yet. Well...look, I said it had issues, right? Here they are:

Personally, he thought Lia was a lot sexier. He almost grinned. She’d hate that. All she wanted from him was respect for her fighting skills and almighty toughness. But the urge to grin died an inglorious death. She’d soon be vampire, and he never wanted to find a vampire tempting. All he wanted to do was kill them. Except for Jude. He was okay. He’d proven himself.

Like I said: Utah is a flaming plate of asshole. We also have the same "Tough Girls have to be Tougher Than Guys" bullshit we slogged through with Anita Blake. It's not as relentless, but oh my fucking GOD is it there.

We just also have a heavy helping of Bella Swan's "Change me into a vampire" stupidity to go along with it.

What does Adam look like?

Finally, they reached the light source. A vampire sat in a folding chair in the middle of the tunnel. Must be Adam. He was about Utah’s height, with black hair and weird-looking gold eyes.

...Yeah. We've gone from LKH's pages and pages and pages about clothes and colors to "He had black hair and weird eyes. NEXT!" Yeah. That's it. 

Adam and Utah start posturing.  Adam mentions that there will be a "new partner" that Utah will be working with. Everyone is all like "WHA?" and Lia asks "So why are we down in the tunnels" and Adam says "Because we need to summon your new partner!"

And I am totally going to make you wait until tomorrow because, like I said, the crazy? It gets better.


  1. Summon your new partner?Summon?

    I have a feeling this will be good

  2. Bwaha, this batshit nonsense is so fantastic that I think I have to read along. This seems like fanfic level WTFery already! XD

    1. I bought the book WITHOUT reading it because I do like were-whatever fiction and I thought it sounded good.

      I ALSO thought that the scaly whatevers the guys changed into were like Quetzalcoatl because that's what the jacket blurb described.

      Nope. Dinos.

      And I bought this book in a supermarket. It did well enough to make it into that level of distribution.