Saturday, August 17, 2013

Eternal Prey--Chapter Five

It is now time to ramp up the romantic tension. Oh, goody.

Lia and Utah are driving through the darkness, and Lia is thinking about how much her life sucks. Admittely, she's right--abusive vampire-mom, generally lousy upbringing, constant death threats and the knowledge that she has to either hit un-death or death-death--and we'd be kind of interested if she were not CONSTANTLY WHINING ABOUT IT. I have UNDERPLAYED the amount of "Oh I'm no good as a human I'm going to be a vampire soon THE VAMPIRES ARE MY PEOPLE" that Lia does in every. single. chapter. 

 By the way, Kione? He's evesdropping on her thoughts. And he's irritated that she's so very boring. Kione is my man.

Except for the whole "Violating thoughts" thing. That's icky.

Kione also points out that the urge for sexy-sexy with Utah is entirely hers. She has to be actively looking at him for the urge to sex to kick in. I seem to remember that not quite working like that, but how should I know. But hey, at least this isn't chock full of unsexy non con fantas--

Kione’s laughter was a harsh rejection of Utah’s sympathy. “You think that no one ever looks at me? Think again, raptor. I have my own army of stalkers, beings that can only feel sexual excitement when they’re looking at me. I’m not always the user.” Bitterness laced his last sentence.
...oh. Okay then.

Utah and Lia discover that Kione doesn't have a change of clothes. This takes a couple paragraphs to resolve. I think the point is OH UTAH FEELS SYMPATHY but it's more like "sixth-grade slumber party".

Lia wonders why Utah's so akward when it comes to caring, and then she remembers: DINOSAUR. IS NOT USED TO HUMAN EMOTIONS. KIND OF FORGETS HOW TO HUMAN FROM TIME TO TIME.

Lia reports to Adam that they now have a name: Chris. Which narrows it down by approximately nothing, which Adam is very quick to point out. (Seriously. That doesn't even give us a probable gender)

Lia asks for a bedroom with a real bed and a bathroom, because apparently Adam's closest thing to accomodations are cots or coffins and Lia wants neither. Utah backs her up, threatening to make like Barney if Adam doesn't provide them with rooms with plumbing.

Then Kione adds his two cents to the pot:

Kione moved to the front of the pack. “I side with Utah and Lia. This might be a safe vampire haven, but it really sucks in the comfort category. Don’t try to make us stay. That would upset me. I do things when I’m upset. Like bringing the tunnels down around your head. No more hidey-hole, and the city won’t be happy when a bunch of their buildings fall down.”

...Kione needs to stop talking. It kind of ruins his "scary Vulcan" vibe.

Adam and Kione have a magical staring contest. Papers fly everywhere, bright lights happen, and when it's over Adam kow-tows to the elf.

Utah warns Lia that Adam will kill her when this is over. Lia repeats her whole "I will be vampire" thing. They decide since Adam said he doesn't care where they go, they'll all go back to Fin's condo. Another dinosaur is already there in human form, and he tries to have a staring match with Kione.

Gig transferred his glare to Kione and her. Mostly to Kione. “What’s he?” 

Kione stepped forward. “He is a member of the unseelie court. And he doesn’t have to turn into a freaking prehistoric monster to drill your ass through that wall. And he is in a rotten mood, so back off.”
I don't know which is more precious. Kione's shitty attitude or a shapeshifting dino named "Gig".

 Gig is a Gigantosaurs. Basically, he's Godzilla. And he does not give a fuck. Utah has to threaten him with "the containment room" for him to back down. Apparently "Al" got thrown in there and it made him miserable. So they have a time-out room too.

Gig and Lia trade barbs while he takes them all to the bedroom. The dialogue is nothing to write home about.

Sexual tension continues. Apparently Utah's body heat is enough to light candles in the vacinity. Either that, or we're describing imaginary third digree burns because those are totally sexy. They apologize to each other for being, well, themselves, and make food. They sit together and discuss who gets to watch what on the television.

Lia asks him what he was before he was a raptor. He remembers something but it's not enough to describe. Fin is apparently sitting on these memories and they never come into play in this book.

And then they start kissing.

...apparently Lia tastes like Vanilla and citrus. Okay then. They play until Utah realizes he's about to get scaly--and feathery, if science is right--and Lia decides to stop handling his "little animal" and let him get back under control. He's pissy about it, which means it doesn't take long for him to hit "normal".

Oh, and the first time I read this book, I snorted soda up my nose at this part:

Time for hard truths. “No matter how human I look, I’m still raptor here.” He tapped his heart. “When my brain shuts down, and my senses take over, the beast runs free. Oh, I might not change forms, but he’s still in control. He doesn’t understand words like ‘gentle’ and ‘foreplay.’ He goes for the kill every time.” As explanations went, that was an epic fail. Sounded like he had zero control.
Yeah. "Epic fail" belongs on image macros. Not books.

And then RANDOM GUY contacts Utah telepathically. And by RANDOM I mean RANDOM:

“Forgot to introduce myself. Seir, the bad seed. Hurry. Fin’s not paying attention right now. Don’t know how long that will last. Have to strike while the iron is hot and all that crap.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are about to meet the book's Q. The chapter ends with Utah stating that this is "Fin's brother".


  1. Wait, did he really light candles with his body heat? REALLY?

    godzilla gives no fucks hell yeah

    ...the "goes for the kill" thing has fuck-all to do with foreplay/gentle/not raping (which the conversation seems to be about) because plenty of animals that go for the kill (wolves, big cats, etc.) still have courtship rituals and such with their own breed. Violence in taking down prey does not translate to sexual violence. Not to mention if the raptor *was* in control, wouldn't it only be interested in mating with other raptors? She'd be in danger, sure, but not THAT kind.

    1. Yeah, you beat me to the whole "Wait predators don't rip each other to shreds during sex" deal.

      Not to mention if the raptor *was* in control, wouldn't it only be interested in mating with other raptors?

      Other raptors or raptor-like animals. Maybe a nice ostrich.