Saturday, August 31, 2013

Eternal Prey--chapter 17

Sorry, guys. I had a headache yesterday. Read as "migraine". Read as "the kind of migraine that smells purple" if that makes anything resembling sense.

So when we last left our heroes, they had defeated this novel's big bad by means of ladybug.

You know, I have many many MANY insecurities re: my writing, but I can say this: I make my characters fucking buy their happy endings. And I have never beaten a bad guy by means of handing them a beetle.

Oh, and Utah proposed to Lia. So how long do we have to wait for the wedding? Not long at all. It's being preformed now. Right now. As in chronological seconds after Lia agreed to marry her very special Flaming Bag of Dicks, the wedding has to happen. Because:

“It’s our mating ceremony. It’s a little different from a human wedding.”
Right. Because all humans get married in a church with the full ceremony and bridesmaids and a year's worth of planning.

I've had close relatives marry with literally one day's notice, and I've been greatful to be allowed to attend the ceremony. Suffice to say the assumption has me feeling more than a little grumpy.

This is really going to be weird, isn't it? Please don't involve blood letting. Please. 

Utah raked his fingers through his hair. “Look, marrying any of us comes with a shitload of ugly baggage. Any woman who loves us should understand what she’s signing up for, and then decide if she’s willing to make a lifetime commitment. During the ritual, you’ll see some of my past— the good, the bad, and the oh-crap stuff.” He smiled as he touched her lips. “Because you know this, Lia, we will be bonded forever. I’ll never let you go.”

AND the flaming bag of dicks gets the "Stalker of the Year" award.

There is nothing more romantic to me than a couple politely agreeing that unhealthy behavior WILL negate the marriage if it perpetuates. Because, you know, this indicates that they value the well being of the other party more than they do their own pride.

And apparently this means that Lia has to literally enter Utah.

“My love for you creates a physical response that opens me to you.” “You do know that what you’re describing has a major ick factor.” She tempered the words with a smile. “What I meant is that my body becomes incorporeal so that you can enter.”
The further I venture into this chapter, the more I realize that I probably blocked it out due to traumatic experiance.

Utah sends her to go find Tor. She does, and then comes back. Meanwhile, her Mommy issues are healed by means of scabs.

 I have no idea.

 So Lia enters Utah and ventures into Jurrasic Park, and experiences the end of the dinos. Great. Then she goes further back, and finds Utah as a human. And he was married with a wife and child who died horribly and randomly.

Please don't be Atlantis please don't be Atlantis PLEASE DEAR GOD DO NOT BE ATLANTIS.

Fin shows up randomly, makes Omnious Pronouncements, and then vanishes. Good for Fin. Lia runs around in the ruins of Unnamed but Cataclysmically Destroyed City (that is probably Atlantis) until she finds Utah again...AND EVERYTHING EXPLODES INTO RANDOM LIGHT.

So just so we're all on the same page, Utah is a flaming bag of dicks because at some point Fin's cycle of immortal destruction killed his wife and child. Because that backstory wasn't done to death fifty years ago.


“I went, I saw, and it scared me witless, but I still want you, raptor.”
At this point, Utah is the soul of a man that posessed a dinosaur that then posessed a human. This is now the mobius strip of WTF.

And nothing about what we read is scary.

Much romantic bickering ensues. None of it is interesting.

Adam died offscreen. He contributed exactly shit to this narrative. I'm so glad he was here. However, he is useful in death, because Lia insists on Fin giving them a wedding gift by shoving Rap's soul into Adam's dead body. 

There is so much wrong with that. SO MUCH WRONG.

And this actually happens.

So basically now Fin has a guy in control of every vampire ever. AND THE DUDE DIED OFFSCREEN.


And then we get dialogue that is either terminally stupid, or incredibly cool. I can't tell:

Rap grinned. Then he frowned. “I’m not in the same body. What do I look like?”

Lia studied him. “You’ve got dark hair, gold eyes, and a perfect face. Women will love you.”

Rap looked relieved. “Good. Women are important.”

Please, Loyal Readers. Tell me how to feel about this.

Lia and Utah drive home. Nina Bangs fails at physics:

Finally, she spoke. “You know, I think I’ve figured things out.” “Uh-huh.” One mile to Fin’s. “It’s all about perspective.” “Sure.” A half mile to Fin’s.
I know we can drive really fast, but I doubt you can consume an entire half mile in the space of one sentence.

 Lia decides that 2012 is the beginning of all things and the book ends.


SO. IN LIGHT OF THIS ENDING I have gone though the library and I have these suggestions, some good, some horrible:

-More LKH.
-James Allen Gardner's Expendable. It's space exploration as told by redshirts, IF the redshirts were redshirts because of hideous deformity. It's one of the best sci-fi series I've ever read.
-Something by Julian May. Either the Jack the Bodiless series or the Hundred Concerns series. Both series kick ass.
-David Eddings. We can do either Redemption of Althalus or the Eleniad/Tamuli. (It's a six book series and I would do the ENTIRE THING)
-More Mission Earth
-More Gor.
-Sequel to the Lake Sex book. 

It is up to you.

If you do not vote it will probably be either Althalus or Expendable. It depends on how I feel. I'm just in the mood to do a book I'd enjoy for a change.


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