Friday, August 2, 2013

Incubus Dreams--chapter 66-67

You guys are the most awesome people in the history of Things. I just want you all to know that.

And if you're just tuning in, that's a screenshot of my Indiegogo campaign, because editing costs money, and buying it last month blew most of my savings. So if you want the second (and probably third) parts of Dragon Breath to be well-edited, donate to the campaign. If you donate, you get the second part of Dragon Breath, even if all you give is a dollar. Consider it pre-ordering via Indiegogo.


Anita is reading the mind of a potentially murderous vampire. I had to go back a chapter and re-read this, because chapter 66 opens like another freaking porn scene.

Jean Claude tells Anita via telepathy that she probably just stole her mind-reading power from Malcom.

This is all a wonderful way to cover your ass when you realize your murder mystery plot needs a solution and you only have about a hundred pages to work with. A good writer--say, Guilty Pleasures era Laurel K. Hamilton--might spread some of the porn out amongst the actual plot, and then cut a couple of the more unnecessary scenes to make room for a couple "Whodunnet" scenes. Instead, we're siphoning powers off other characters so that Anita can pull the bad guy directly out of her ass. 

 So if I'm following what happened right--and that's a huge "if". I like non-linear storytelling but for fuck's sake, at this point we should be at basic cause and effect here--Avery met a master vampire named Nellie who wanted to seduce him for her master, and she brought along "the stripper" who I assume is the dead girl in Avery's apartment, who he knew as Morgiana and (again, I assume) who the cops identifed as Sally Cook.

They're at the club when Nellie wants Avery to feed from Sally/Morgana's thighs. Avery flees and Sally/Morgana is still alive...only now she's somehow in his apartment? And he's dressing in his own living room while Morgana and Nellie are in his bedroom? TRANSITIONS PLEASE.

Oh good fucking god, how did I miss that Anita was Kissing Avery while she was reading his mind? OF COURSE A BASIC PSYCHIC ACTION MUST BE PREFORMED IN A VEIL OF SEX.

Anita decides this means Avery is innocent and asks him to tell her the name of another vampire who was with (snigger) Nellie. He names Jonah. Jonah bolts. Anita runs after him with her gun out. She yells for somebody to catch him and the civilian vamps assume she means them, because they chase after Jonah, pin him down, start letting him go when the cops tell them to, and Jonah skewers one of them because this is why you don't order civilians to do the cop's job. 

...And why are there no vampire cops. ? I understand "discrimination" but vampires are not human and can overpower a human. I'd think cops would be recruiting a lot of vampires as officers because if they get shot, usually the vamps can get up again.

Chapter ends. Next chapter.

Anita orders Jonah to drop the knife. He does.

It takes three pages. This does not bode well.

Anita pulls a gun and then...we have a massive near-paragraph about bras.

I nodded and pressed the back of my gun to my forehead. It didn’t feel cool, it was warm. Warm from being tucked up under my arm, wedged next to my breast. If I wore the wrong bra I scraped the edge of my breast as I drew, so I’d learned that all those minimizer bras that spread the breast to the side are not my friend wearing a shoulder holster. Push-up bras actually keep your breasts up and out of the way. You just had to make sure that the bra actually covered the front of you, so you could run without falling out of it. Why was I thinking about bras when we had a double murdering vampire still to be subdued?
One: We've lost track of what we were talking about again, haven't we?

Two: Given that Affliction revealed that Anita is a EEE cup size, I shit you not, you'd think that she'd have a special bra adapted with an inter-boob holster. She could make it work, she's already got one stuffed down her pants. And it would justify having boobs that are literally bigger than Anita's head.

Anita slowly walks the vamp through the methods of surrender. On your knees. Hands behind your head. He complains about the crosses.

I want a vampire story with a devout Christian as a vamp. Somebody who still believes. Wouldn't that be interesting?

Anita searches Jonah, realizes his knives are silver, and that the good Samaritan vamp is probably dying of silver poisoning. She rushes off to save him because FUCK IF I KNOW IT IS NOT MY BOOK.

End of chapter.

...I officially want a gun-bra.


  1. I want a vampire story with a devout Christian as a vamp. Somebody who still believes. Wouldn't that be interesting?

    The Dracula Tapes, by Fred Saberhagen. Why didn't Dracula attack Van Helsing when Van Helsing was brandishing the host as a shield? Not because he was afraid of the host, but because Vlad Tepes refused to participate in Van Helsing's act of desecration.

    Anita pulls a gun and then...we have a massive near-paragraph about bras.

    And it's now official. The Anita Blake movie-adaptations need to be directed by Russ Meyer.

    ...I officially want a gun-bra.


    1. I really REALLY loved that book. And the Sherlock Holmes/Dracula mashup Fred did (in which apparently Vlad turns out to be one of Sherlock's distant relatives, and there's a lot of mistaken identity stuff).

      But he was in control all the time and fun as it was, it got a little annoying that EVERY SINGLE EVENT was caused by him, or orchistrated by him. Other than the "Let's give this girl three untested blood types from three men and see what happens" elements of Lucy's death.

      But I still loved it.

  2. "...I officially want a gun-bra."

    Your wish is my command:
    I'm kind of tempted.

  3. ...that is seriously the coolest thing I have seen all day.

    It's almost enough to make me want a gun.

    It'd be a pink one. Pink guns are so silly they run right around and hit awesome. "Why yes, that IS a candy-pink .45 in my bra holster." *sound of snap coming undone "Did you want to comment further, sir, or would you like to just keep on going?"

    1. There's a pic of a Hello Kitty Desert Eagle going around tumblr, which I'm pretty sure is a Photoshop special, but if it wasn't I'd totally buy it. I'm not a size queen like some authors we are aware of, but a very old crush of mine carried a normal one and adding Hello Kitty into the mix makes it irresistible.
      I'm still debating on the bra holster, but I'd have to buy something smaller to use in it. My rack is pretty decent but it's not big enough to hide a Jericho 941 :)