Friday, July 5, 2013

Incubus Dreams chapter 13-14

Yeah. So yesterday was great. Obviously. Because I skipped an update. I was too happy to throw Anita into the mix.

We ate with family, my brother showed up, we watched fireworks, we went home and set off illegal fireworks within the city limits. I worked my way up to the artillery shells--my first ever--and then one of the roman candle kits we bought turned out to not be roman candles, but rather exploding air bursts that were FUCKING LOUD. We decided to end on that note before a neighbor called the cops.

Also, and I did not know this when I bought them, but apparently fireworks makers have decided to give us controlled doses of thermite. We totally melted a coke can, and I now have fuel for many many many urban fantasy games in coming books. The only thing better than overpowered faeries in Texas are overpowered faeries in Texas with thermite. brain is so weird.

So. Anita Blake.

I think this poor woman has Fifty First Dates disease. She forgets everything that happens between books. Every book has Anita "embracing the ardeur" only to discover that she didn't really do it last time, but she is doing it this time, because repeating the same phases over and over totally equals character development. 

And the big issue here, as it has been for the last several chapters, is that Anita lusts after Nate, and Nate loves Anita, and it's wrong to take advantage of him...but she's not going to break up with him because the sex is good she needs to feed, and he's like, there.

Anita has the emotional maturity of a tomato.

So Nate gets naked, something that Anita says she never allowed, even though last book she says that she let all the leopards sleep with her naked. And he's pretty. And compared to food because Fuck If I Know.

Oh, and "ripeness" is no longer a word.

*Sporfle* and we now have a new record for WORST PENIS METAPHORE EVER:

I started to reach for him, but Damian chose that moment to brush the head of his own ripeness against the back of my body.
Apparently Damian has wheat for a penis. This is immediately followed up by "nakedness" as in "plunge (his) nakedness into me" and it's like HE CAN STUFF A STATE OF DRESS OR LACK THEREOF INTO ANITA'S VAGINA? If I ask nicely can he put Final Fantasy cosplay there? It'd probably be more entertaining.

But I do have to admit:

He seemed carved of ivory and pearl, and where the blood ran close to the surface he blushed pink like the shine inside a seashell, delicate and shining.

I kind of like that. That repeat of "shining" needs to go die, but it's a good image. If this were the only image in the sex scene it would work. Purple itself is not bad in books. It's knowing where to point it that matters.

Meanwhile Nate is begging for sex.

 Because this is sexy and romantic and in no way creepy or abusive. I am totally not thinking of serial rapists and kidnappers while I'm reading this.

(I am. It's creepy and abusive)

...Nate starts going "Think happy thoughts" again.

 Anita screams from orgasm and Damian flashbacks to torturing women in his basement.

Reading an LKH sex scene is like following triple fudge chocolate cake up with a dill pickle.

And then the only way to fix Damian's bad memories is to let him fuck Anita, because that totally erases severe psychological damage.

Chapter 14

Anita wakes up after blacking out in the kitchen, and it's morning, and Damian is lying in a puddle of sunlight.

Look, there comes a point where sexy adventures stop being adventures and become dangerous as fuck. We just blazed right through that territory. Damian starts smoking and has to be dragged out of the sunlight and he wakes up and starts screaming, and--


A MAJOR part of Anitapires is that they don't sleep when the sun comes up. They die. Their souls return to wherever vampire souls go and they become inert and motionless. There've been a handful of vamps who retained some kind of power/consiousness during this sleep phase, but all of them were REALLY powerful. Like "is that a nuclear device in your pocket or did you just sneeze" kind of power.

Why is Damian moving?

Fuck it. Damian screams and backs into the cabinets, so Nate and Anita drag him into the dark living room. Only Gregory comes into the room and brings sunlight with him, and Damian runs into a room where all the windows are open and the lights are on, and I don't care because the chapter is over and I can start painting things now.


  1. "against the back of my

    Where? I mean, I can sorta guess based on the situation and the rest of the action, but I shouldn't need to guess. The back of someone's body is a lot of territory. Shoulders? LKH is such a prudish pervert.

    1. I am now visualizing Damian brushing a leaking stalk of wheat across Anita's shoulders.

      Send booze quick

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  4. Sorry. Blogger Mobile went a little berserk there.

  5. One thing I have NEVER understood about LKH is how she can write SO MANY sex scenes and yet never write the words cock or dick or pussy. That's part of what makes her books so train wreck-y for me; they're so prudish it's creepy.

    1. Every time Anita has sex I am gripped by the desperate urge to mail LKH a new copy of Gray's Anatomy. It never fails.

    2. Ha! Maybe a thesaurus while you're at it, too.