The Starbleached Omnibus will go live July 4th. I'm trying to decide on cover art as we speak, and I'll let ya'll know what I decide before the 4th.
It'll be fun. I promise.
EDIT TO ADD: ALSO. I Just found out that my FAVORITE CHAPTER BY CHAPTER BOOK BLOG IN THE UNIVERSE is reviewing MY FAVORITE WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ BOOK IN THE UNIVERSE...which translates to Mark Reads is reading John Dies at the End, and reacting about as well as you expect.
Go. Read. Now.
I DIDN’T WANT to go back to the reception. First, I wasn’t in the mood to be merry.Well, that's fair. LKH hasn't been in the mood to be Merry for what, four years now?
Having returned from a horrific murder scene that could get JC AKA Boyfriend Prime in hot water, Anita's big problem now is dancing. See, she promised Micah and Nathanial a dance, and she hates dancing, and this is going to be the driving motivation for this entire chapter.
Dancing. At a wedding reception.
Oh, but Anita has to be careful, because if she dances badly her co-workers who are the cops will make fun of her. And if she dances well her co-workers the cops will make more fun of her, and GOD FORBID she dance well with a stripper AKA Nathanial, because they'd never stop making fun of her.
Anybody remember back when the cops found out about her penguin collection? Because it got ruined by a zombie? And they bought a whole bunch of different stuffed penguins and stuck one on every desk just for her, and then gave her all the penguins because it was a joke between friends and colleagues? Anybody else miss that kind of camaraderie?
Nathanial and Jason are talking, and there is some rumbling about how both Jason and Nathanial are "kept" men because they're both pomme de sangs for Jean Claude and Anita, respectively, though in Anita's case that'd be pomme de sexe as she's not a blood drinker. Anyway, apparently how you keep your breakfast is an issue of order for vampires and Anita had to shell out for good tuxedos for the guys, but couldn't bother to find a good one for herself because manly manly Anita can't care about her clothes.
Micah shows up.
Now I was able to watch him walk toward me, able to admire how the suit clung to his body, how it flattered the broad shoulders, the slender waist, the tightness of his hips, the swell of his thighs. The suit fit him like a roomy glove. Watching him move toward me, I realized the suit was suddenly worth every penny.
|Look, anything that lets me use this macro is a good thing|
Also, apparently Anita is wearing a leather jacket over her tuxedo's coat. I really hope that's Mal's Firefly duster because otherwise that's gonna look really awkward.
Also-also: LAUREL. NOBODY CARES THIS MUCH ABOUT YOUR CHARACTERS' CLOTHES.
We get a long internal monologue about how Micah is too perfectly perfect perfect, and how she doesn't know anything about him but he is PERFECT...and then this segues into "I think I'm a sociopath because I looked at a dead body and didn't care."
Anita. Just like morticians and homicide detectives, Dead bodies are a part of your job. Eventually you adapt. Besides, last book you had to deal with a body that had been raped until it was literally liquified, and then you got to fish through a bathtub containing the separated bits of two people. At this point your psyche is really happy that this body is intact and pretty much bloodless. You didn't know this girl, you see bodies every other week, and you're preoccupied with your complicated personal life and the fact that your immediate supervisor would probably like to rip off your head and shit down your neck if he thought his career could survive. Not collapsing into a sobbing mess and/or swearing eternal revenge against the poor dear's murderer does not make you special. It makes you a normal human being who has to deal with bodies on a regular basis.
The chapter ends with Anita remembering Chimera, and asking about Micah's broken nose.
End of chapter.
Next chapter, we're standing out in the parking lot looking at the autumn leaves. Okay. Micah is going to tell Anita all about his broken nose. Apparently Chimera broke it. A lot. Only it wouldn't stay broken because were-whatevers heal really quickly. So Chimera got particularly pissed off, and cut Micah's nose off and ate it. And then kept punching him when the nose grew back so that eventually it stayed broken-ish. Except now it's healing because SYMBOLISM!
Of course, that's not the part that bugs me. This is:
“No, you wanted to know. You can know.” He took in a breath so deep it made him shudder. “One of his favorite torments was gang rape. Those of us who wouldn’t participate, he made us grow our hair long. Said, if we wanted to act like women, we should look like women.”And of course, his hair is still wonderfully long, because Anita/LKH like it and find it sexy.
Yeah, would anybody else have found the nearest blunt butter knife and made like the Barber of Seville ASAP? I wouldn't even have donated to the Locks of Love, because that's some bad juju on that hair. Seriously. HIS HAIR IS A SYMBOL OF HIS DEGREDATION AT THE HANDS OF HIS ABUSER.
Oh, and Micah was never raped, because Chimera's gay man personality would only rape other gay men and Micah wasn't gay.
“He didn’t just rape women,” Micah said, “but strangely, he would only rape a man if he were already gay. It was as if he only wanted the sex the person enjoyed to be used against them.” He shrugged, but it turned into a shiver. “I didn’t understand it. I was just grateful to not be on his list of victims.” He shivered again.Yeah, because trauma not related to sex doesn't count. And yeah, he could just be referring to Chimera's rape victims, but it really wouldn't have hurt for him to tag a qualifier or nine onto that statement.
And all of this--the discussion of rape, the abuse visited on Micah's pard, the consuming of Micah's nose--is just so that he can fall on his knees in front of Anita and sob into her chest and be so very very grateful that she rescued him.
She promises to never let anyone hurt him ever again, and the chapter ends.
Next chapter...Anita goes back to the reception to go dance with Nathanial.
THEN they go back inside and have a dance. End chapter, start chapter.
Anita hates dancing. Nathanial is good at dancing because he is a stripper. Her cop friends might make fun of her for reasons we have already covered.
Nathanial then describes an act he'd do where he'd dress in formal wear, pick a random woman out of the crowd and dance with her, and I have to say the whole thing sounds very cool and classy. No sarcasm, that might actually be a lot of fun. Anita continues to freak out. Somehow this transitions from "Anita is socially awkward" to "Anita doesn't love Nathanial right". The ardeur shows up and shows Anita that Nate is highly frustrated. Apparently he's been the pomme de sexe for months and hasn't gotten any. No sex. No oral. No handjobs. Nothing. And he's deeply in love with Anita.
Yeah. Anita has been feeding off this guy for months and she hasn't allowed him to have any orgasms.
Have we covered how terrible a person she is yet? She is feeding off erotic sensations and she won't let her food orgasm because it makes her feel guilty.
Nathanial backs away from Anita, crying, and then runs out of the room. Anita chases after him because she feels very guilty now.
We're on chapter eight now. We have no plot. We have pages and pages dedicated to describing clothes, and pointless conversations about sex that don't actually involve sex because How The Fuck Should I Know.
This is definately an Anita Blake book.