Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Book Bitch:Mission Earth 1

Okay, first off, Obligatory self-plug:

 Starbleached is live on Amazon now. So if you didn't get a chance to grab a copy from Smashwords for some reason, drop on by and snag a copy.

Okay. On to review. 

Oooooooh friends. OOOOOOOOOH. We're here. we're finally at the chapter I HAVE BEEN WAITING THIS WHOLE REVIEW FOR. Get ready folks. It's going to be at the tail end of this but OH MY GOD, guys...this is the suck of all sucks.

Hubbard's choice of viewpoint character is becoming increasingly baffling to me. Soltan Gris does not do shit in this book. The interesting things are happening to Jettero Heller. The interesting thoughts are happening to Jettero Heller. We should be inside of Jettero Heller's head. And we are not. And the more I read this book, the more I question Hubbard's choice.

Okay, where were we?

...right. Our narrator has just puked on himself. Again...why is this guy our viewpoint char?

The first line in our next chapter is:

In my room, Heller got my clothes off me...

Bow. chicka. wow. wow.

Yes, my loyal faithful blog-readers. The first paragraph of this chapter is all the slash fodder you could ever need. Also, Jettero goes through Soltan's pockets, containing all the incriminating info about Earth. Which I already know Jettero just read. The guy is smarter than anybody else alive, he's subtle (save for pickup lines) and he has to know that the bad guys are up to something. In fact, I've got one thing to say to our narrator:

So while Jettero goes through Soltan's pockets, Soltan tries not to puke. Huh, there must have been something in Dr. Crobe's offices. Something micro if you get my drift.

Next chapter.

Soltan gets a present! It's a snake. And Countess Krak.

Hey, Ron? Naming your doctor after germs makes me highly suspicious reguarding the Countess's name. Just sayin'. 

Alright, so they smuggle the Countess up to Soltan's bedroom, because for some reason Jettero is going to be staying here tonight. And Jettero has pink champagne sparklewater. (For fuck's sake, Ron, we are not fourteen. It's fucking BOOZE) and he and the Countess discuss...oh god.

Okay, kids. fasten your seatbelt. See, there is this myth about a Prince Caucalsia and his magical colony Atalanta. And he has his own folk song, which is unbelieviably stupid. (Seriously. I refuse to reproduce it here. If you're curious go find a used copy of this shit and look it up.) And they point out that there are Caucasians on Earth. And a magical city of Atlantis. So the Caucasian race on Earth must be descended from the advanced aliens that founded Atlantis! WOW! Hey, Ron?

 Thank you. So after this startling revelation is made, The Countess and Jettero give Soltan a look. A look that means Hey, can we borrow your bed? But surely, surely Space Elvis isn't about to--

 "Are there any empty cubicles along the passageway where you could sleep?"

--He is. He's throwing our narrator out of his bed so that he and his girlfriend can...

Oh my god. No.

A buckle clinked on the floor. 

Ron. Please. For the love of God, humanity, and little green apples, please...

There was a creak of the bed...then her voice, plainly heard, "You will have to be careful with me, darling. I have never had a man before."

No virgin ever in the history of the universe ever said--what the fuck am I doing. RON! PLEASE MOVE THE VIEWPOINT CHARACTER OUT OF EARSHOT BEFORE YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS START TO--

"Oh, Jet."

 "Oh, Jet. Oh, Jet, oh, Jetohjet Oh JET!"

Dear Lafayette Ron Hubbard,

You have done something spectacular. Something no other writer has ever done before. You have turned me from a well reasoned, intelligant human being looking for a thing of minimal entertainment, and have turned me into that guy in the hotel room right next to the newlyweds. THANK YOU, RON. I TOTALLY NEEDED TO LISTEN TO YOUR CHARACTERS HAVE SEX. IT TOTALLY MADE MY DAY.

I would say fuck you, but it's a little redundant at this point.

Also the evil-murder-evil-evil guards basically do the touchdown sign every time the Countess has an orgasm. I am SO glad we're sitting out in the hall. Soltan Gris elects to go sleep on the floor out of earshot.

Why are we following this guy around again?

1 comment:

  1. *sigh*

    Naked Psycho Bitch of Space Evil was the only awesome thing in this whole story. I mourn her loss.