Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Book Bitch: Mission Earth (kill me now please) One

Okay, we are FINALLY two thirds of the way through this book. Joy! But I have to keep going. Boo. In fact, I feel kind of like this:

So when we last left our heroes: Jettero Heller is Space Elvis, El-Ron H fails at naming women, gay men and dances, Humanity must be Rescued from Ourselves and Space Elvis is just the guy to do it IF HE EVER GETS OFF HIS FREAKING ALIEN WORLD. And even in space, on far distant planets, everybody good is white.

I'm not joking about that last part.


Soltan wakes up with a hangover from all the fun the night before. This is not an important plot point, but it's another thing I want you to remember for the payoff in a few more recaps. Because the plot? Oh, my lovely blog-readers, the plot is about to go OFF THE RAILS.

So Soltan is glaring at Jet-Boy's tugboat, while the Countess (who, remember, is an evil murderess being let out illegally so she and Jettero can screw. I'm dead serious. That's the only reason she is here) does things in front of it. In broad daylight. After being on camera the night before.

Guys, lemme point out something real quick? This book? Is offically Mission Earth: The Invader's Plan. I'm sorry. I have yet to notice a plan that wouldn't result in a pancake when Jet-boy and Soltan crash directly into the nearest mountain. Even Space Elvis is letting me down.

Oh! And they're in the paper! FRONT PAGE! Jet gets mentioned by name! And Hightee Heller says this:

"Please assure my billions of fans that I am perfectly alright." 

Billions of fans, kids. Billions. You know, I once read an article about how much work it would actually take to spend a billion dollars. It kind of shows you how truly large that word is. 

So Soltan nurses his hangover and sense of impending doom--remember, Jet was supposed to have left Voltan well over a month ago--and then his boss shows up.

Is Lombar Hisst mad because Soltan has blown the mission? Oh, no. Remember, they want the mission to fail. No. He's mad because he thinks Soltan has been getting kickbacks for the construction of Tug One and hasn't been sending anything to Lombar. He needs to give Lombar money. Otherwise Lombar will kill him.

Every time I type the word Lombar I want to add the word Puncture immediately after it. I have no idea why.

The point of the whole chapter is, they have more money but Soltan is not to take any of it for himself. Thanks, Ron, for sharing with us the anxiety of a millionare who still wants more money. I love spending time with your subconsious, but can we please get back to the story now? PLEASE?

Yes? Yippee.

Soltan goes to tell Jet what a low-down-nasty-no-good-cheating-murdering whore the Countess is, which is probably not the smartest way to get the guy you kidnapped to leave the woman he intends to marry. And Jet then points out the following:

-The Countess, who we were told tortured people with electroshock to train them, never tortured people with electroshock to train them. The equipment for doing this had been broken for years

-The Countess, who we were told trained children to murder, never trained children for murder. She did train them to rob banks, but only because her sainted mother was being held hostage by a corrupt official, who then arranged for her mother to be killed anyway.

In other words, she is innocent of the charges that have kept her in Spiteos, the hell-prison where she and Jett met! And this perfect virginal bride (who is still murderously psychotic from being held in hell-prison with nothing but a leather jacket and heels) will be vindicated by none other than Space Elvis. And Jet has no intention of leaving Voltan without her. And now Soltan's arm is paralyzed after trying to hit Jet! And he can't move it! Oh Noes! What to do?

Go see a doctor. Who tells Our Protagonist (meh) that he has a psychosomatic block against moving that arm. Which is weird because why would a society without psychologists have a diagonisis of a psychological illness. Hey, Ron? I am losing my faith in your Strawman here.

Anyway, the doctor figures out that Soltan Gris has been hypnotized. So Soltan goes to another doctor specializing in hypnotism (Because hypnotism is a legit thing, but psychology is not.) and tries to find out who and how. From a doctor named "Cutswitz".

I think Ron had these name bags with words written on random strips of paper, and he sorted them by profession, race and gender. that's the only way I can figure on a doctor named "Crobe" as in microbe, and now a doctor named Cutswitz. Either it's a jewish slur or it's "Cuts with" and either way I don't want Ron to name another thing ever ever ever ever ever. Trust me, kids. At this point I am longing for something as sane as Xenu. (ooooooooooooh SNAP!)

All the anatomical jokes went into the bag labled "Girls".

Dr. Cutter regresses Soltan to the point of the hypnotic implant, which happened when the Countess Krak gave Soltan a brush up on his English. She told him:

-If you think about hurting Jet you will be violently sick
-if you think about hitting Jet you will go paralyzed
-if you hurt his career, you will go insane.

Oh, so the reason this story has been stalled out for OVER A HUNDRED FIFTY PAGES is because the Countess hypnotized the bad guy? And not because Ron didn't know where to go with it? (hint: EARTH. TAKE IT TO EARTH. THE PLACE WHERE THE MISSION IS.)

Okay, I'll go with it.

So now free of his hypnotized bonds, Soltan goes out to face the world. Jettero Heller Will Get His, and Soltan Gris will triumph!

Or not. Because we're about to see what he plans like when he isn't in hypnotic bondage, and it really ain't all that different.

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