Friday, September 14, 2012

Book Bitch: Mission Earth 1

Obligatory plug first, kiddos. Silver Bullet is still free, and the coupon code is GX35X. Go get your copy.

Okay, so where were we?

Right. Ron was being an inadvertent racist. What adventure are we going to have today?

Jettero Heller buys a tug boat.

I'm serious. That's all that happens for the next six chapters. First chapter, they leave the prison and travel. Next chapter, they reach the Fleet Reserve and Jettero picks out Tug One, a tug boat that has the biggest engines in the fleet. Because Jet-boy likes speed.

That's gonna get real ironic near the end of the book, which we are, sadly, STILL not nearly halfway to.

Also the tug boat has engines that will probably blow up. Because the tug boat is mostly engine. It uses Will-Be Was engine drives, which have something to do with time, and....yeah, Ron should never be allowed to name anything EVER AGAIN. Yes, I know he's dead. We need to be proactive about this.

Next chapter? They sign paperwork. For the whole chapter. Because this is an exciting book. PAPERWORK!

Next chapter: They fly the boat to the dry docks.

Next chapter: They start cleaning the boat. People recognise Jet because he is Space Elvis. Soltan realizes this could be bad because he and Jettero are supposed to be back on Earth (remember, there is a mission and it involves Earth and we are not doing it because fuck if I know) and he starts to sweat both the fact that he's not gone and that he has no money.

Next Chapter: The Countess Krak arrives.

Next chapter: Jet shows off his new boat and gives the Countess more clothes. This chapter also showcases more of Ron's songwriting skills, and having actually listened to a recording of the man singing, I am so glad I can spare you from the nightmare that is "Lepertige Lady"

You know, when I told certain IRL friends I was reading this series, they looked me in the face and said, dead serious, I need to read Battlefield Earth because it is a great book. It is a wonderful book. It is one of the best sci-fi books they have ever read. I've only read two of Hubbard's books, this one and a tiny part of Old Doc Methusaluh and I can say this: His writing is consistent. VERY consistent. As in I can predict that Battlefield is just as much of a brick, probably just as fucking bloated, and probably just as likely to make us listen to the characters having sex while the narrator obsesses over money.

And like I said yesterday, I do not get this series at all. I understand it, but why would Hubbard write this? WHY WOULD HE PUBLISH THIS? I can see him trying to make the whole "psychology is bad" arguement fly, but kids, you could take certain characters out (IE Lombar Hisst) and put certain IRL people in and the story would not change at all. I will not say who those people are, but holy bleeding hell I did not know that your subconsious could bleed all over a page like this.

He did not write this intentionally. There is no way he would have. This whole book is screaming "Throw shit at the wall and see what sticks" style writing.

...what else do you want me to say? It's basically six chapters about buying a car. YOU try to make it entertaining. I am going to bed.

TOMORROW: Soltan Gris halucinates money.


  1. I think it would be possible to make six chapters about buying a car interesting. You could go the drama route (Poor people need car to get work and make money, poor people have no money to buy car) or the comedy route (Douchebag who thinks he's a great guy spends six chapters obsessing with his friends over the right kind of car to make him look extra studly) or...

    But six chapters of frothy-blend-of-Jesus-and-Elvis quickly and easily buying a car and signing paperwork with absolutely no trouble whatsover? That right there? That's a couple of paragraphs. Maybe a chapter if you want to add some 'look at this' SF details.

  2. It is every single step of buying Space Elvis a ship.

    Also, every time Ron wrote poetry a dictionary comitted seppuku. It is that fucking bad.