Friday, September 14, 2012

Book Bitch: Mission Earth 1

<---Obligatory self plug first. The Freebie code is GX35X 

I am plugging the book because the next two lil books I'm releasing (In October and November/December, depending on when I decide to take time off from this thing) will pick up DIRECTLY where two of these stories leave off. So you might want to read that book.

Okay, so where were we.

...Right. Sitting out in the hall. Thanks Ron. Thanks a ton.

So after we listen to the main character have sex--LISTEN, mind. We see nothing becasue we're not even in the fucking room--we get back to a theme of Soltan Gris is a failure. The narrator is trying to defeat the book's antagonist, but he can't because he is SPACE ELVIS, And I really need to just do this now and get it over with:

 Look, I don't know anything about how valuable Hubbard's philosophy was (actually, I know a great deal about it, but I am TRYING to keep the Church That Shall Not Be Named out of this flog) but in his writing? He kind of takes his subconsious and vomits it all over a plate. The value of this book is NOT the plot. It's NOT the romance, it's NOT how interesting sex looks when you're listening to it through a wall (yes. I AM going to bring that up a lot. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT TO YOUR READERS, RON? HOW CAN YOU?) It's the fact that once you crack the covers on this book, you are looking directly into the mind of a founder of a major religion. And it is amazing. Scary and disturbing as fuck, but very educational.

So what happens to Ron's self inserts today?

Soltan argues with a computer. And loses. Again.

Oh, but he finds out that Jettero's weakness is GAMBLING. And he sets up one of the evil murder evil evil guards to gamble ALLLLLLLL Jettero's money away so that he can't spend any more on the Countess Krak and will have to go into space because bankruptcy, I guess. Only the loaded dice Soltan gives Evil Guard fail, and Soltan ends up losing a years worth of paycheck in a game of dice that he isn't even playing in.

And I am flabbergasted by this scene. No, I am truely amazed by it, and the plot sequence to follow. I have no freaking clue why Hubbard chose to write this book the way he did. The Gor novels, I get. Eternal Prey, I get. The book about having sex with a lake? Asexuals exist, and they need porn too. But...okay. You're not going to get why this is so astoundingly weird unless you know at least a LITTLE bit about L. Ron Hubbard's life. There is a book out there called A Piece of Blue Sky. Go find it, go read it, come back here, and OH MY FUCKING GOD you will realize how deep we are inside of Hubbard's head.

And the thing is?  I don't think he intended to do it. Hubbard is not that good at writing. Oh, he's good, don't get me wrong, but if he were that good, Ladies and Gents, he would have had Jettero as his main character. This is Hubbard's subconsious screaming THIS IS WHO YOU ARE, STUPID, and I honestly don't think he was listening. It's like S. Meyer's strong Mormon theology in Twilight. It's there. It is a thing. But she doesn't have the subtly to have pulled that off. Trust me. Nobody tries to write a morality play and makes their male lead a fucking pedophile stalker at the same time.

Okay, back to the flog:

Now, it may not look like I've reviewed much, but this whole sequence: the dice, the failing, Soltan Gris becoming hugely in debit and moaning about how he has no money? It took three whole chapters. Which is what my usual reviews have been. But I see no reason at all to pad my blog as much as Hubbard does his book (and thank all your lucky stars I've spared you more of his poetry) we're going to continue. And the next part...Okay, let me preface this with a direct quote from the man himself. In fact, I am linking directly to the book I got the quote from, and I REALLY recommend you guys read the whole thing. It is Hubbard's biography, pretty well researched, and it is facinating. This is what Hubbard said about China. These are his actual words:

"They smell of all the baths they didn't take. The trouble with China is, there are too many chinks here"

In his defence, and I can't believe I'm saying that, he was seventeen. I said some pretty disgusting things about gays when I was ninteen (which I no longer believe in, and someday I'll write that up.) (and before we go any further, to the homosexual community in general: I AM VERY VERY SORRY THAT I WAS A PIG WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. I NO LONGER FEEL THAT WAY AND WILL BE HAPPY TO ABASE MYSELF FOR SEVERAL HOURS IF IT WILL MAKE UP FOR BEING SAID PIG)

So, got that memorized?

 In the next chapter, as part of a circus freak show, the Countess is training a primate and something Hubbard describes only as a "yellow man." You get no description of the "yellow-man" where he is not directly compared to the ape. All this thing is, is a brute. And he almost kills the trainer (who allowed the slave to get a neck lock on him. TSTL trainer) and is stopped by Heller. And then, when Jet-boy leaves, the "yellow-man" goes the Countess and says (text reproduced EXACTLY as written):

"You keep that (bleepard) Heller away from me or I'll break his (bleeping) neck!"

I've been putting up with this through the whole book, people. The whole fucking book. Also note: the "yellow-man" is provided no  humanity. But he can talk, and he can swear, and he is saying this after Jet-boy nearly killed him. So this isn't a brute. This IS a human being...or, you know, sentient being, given the whole alien thing. But it is a being with thoughts and feelings and whatever, that is identified only using a racial slur for the Chinese.

And then the Countess fucking straight up kills the "yellow-man". Specifically for insulting Jet. What does she say when she finds out that she just cold-bloodedly beat a man to death? "That'll teach him not to threaten Jettero!"

I. am. in. awe. of. this. 

Oh, it is fucking morally reprehensible. We have a white woman (as established by the "Earth-Caucasians are our direct relations" sequence) straight up murdering a creature identified only by a racial slur for the Chinese because the...sigh..."yellow-man" insulted her white love interest's honor. Not because any actual hurting of the white man went down. No. The yellow-man insulted Jet's honor, and the Countess defended him, and everyone is supposed to be okay with this. 

Why did Hubbard write this? I am serious. Why in the name of all things holy did he write this scene? It serves no purpose in the book whatsoever, it doesn't evolve anyone's character, it purely exists so a white woman can defend her white man by beating up a brown person. Later on in the chapter the Countess apologizes to Heller for ruining the boots he had given her. While she was killing the yellow-man. to defend his honor. And they go back to their epic plan to rescue the defendants of Prince Caucalsia and his colony of Atalanta.

Let me repeat this sequence of events.

-A white woman. Kills a brown person. For insulting a white man.

-And then she apologizes to said white man for ruining the boots he gave her while she was killing this brown person.

-And then they go back to planning their rescue of the caucasian race of Earth.

This exists in a book written by the founder of a major religion in the last year of his life. Please explain how this is a thing.
TOMORROW: Jettero rents a tug. For several chapters.

Seriously. That's all that happens. Jettero rents a tug. I've just reviewed the next...hold on. (counts) SIX FUCKING CHAPTERS RON ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? SIX CHAPTERS ON A SPACE SHIP oh who the fuck am I kidding. He spent ten years sailing around the Atlantic ocean with his own private navy. I should be glad we don't get an account of every fucking rivet.

Be here tomorrow, kids, where we find out if CW can make renting a fucking tug boat entertaining.

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