Saturday, September 8, 2012

Book Bitch: Mission Earth 1 part 2 chapter 3-5

Okay, gang, not to be FRUSTRAITINGLY annoying (too late, I know) we interrupt this bitch-fest with a blatantly self-serving plug:

Starbleached my own adventures in sci-fi, is still free. It STOPS being free on Monday. So today and Sunday you guys are going to see this plug. Because I'm a bitch. Coupon for free book is ST83W.

(P.S. You guys gave me the most AWESOME BLOG DAY EVER yesterday. And because you did, and because you are TOTALLY COOL, I'm going to bump things up to awesome today. Silver Bullet is ALSO going to be free until the tenth. Yes, I know some of you already have it, and paid for it, and I am kind of sorry that I don't know how to make it more awesome for you. I'll think of something between now and the tenth. Silver Bullet coupon code is EE66Z. It is also good only until the tenth. CELEBRATE WITH ME YOU GUYS ARE SO COOL!)

Okay, back to El-Ron. When we last left our villians...

Earth Doesn't exist, Robots can't (bleeping) swear, Jettero Heller is Space Elvis, Lombar Hisst needs to die, Soltan Gris is an unreliable omnescient narrator, Earth is in trouble! And SPACE ELVIS must do his terrible duty and help us be Rescued From Ourselves.

And we've finally hit the part of the book where FUCK ALL happens for three hundred fucking pages.

First, Jettero politely asks to have his things back. Naturally the guards in Hell Prison have gambled off Jesus's Jettero's clothes, and the guard Soltan bribes has to fight to get them back. He gets irritated at the amount of money he's paid, however, and tries to kill Soltan. Hubbard brings out his patented paragraph butchery...

I raised my blastick to kill him.

Abrubtly my blastick was spinning!

Yeah. Jettero beats the guard up after about five more of these, gets his stuff back, and we go on to chapter four.

After Hubbard's attempts at in character whaffling (Remember: they are letting Jettero out of Hell Prison if he agrees to do this. This is like what happens when someone asks if you're a god. You say yes. You always say yes.) Jett agrees to return to Earth and preform the mission. They leave the cell, and the guard Jett beat up salutes him on the way out. Because Jett is SPACE ELVIS and can redeem dangerous criminals in leaps and bounds.

Then he proves he's a freaking genious by 1. discerning his location by the time on his watch, and 2. discerning how deep he is by visually identifying minor geological variations. 

Soltan bemoans his fate. God, the man is just too honest to be a good spy. And like Bella Swan wanting to be a vampire, this moaning will just fucking continue through the rest of the fucking book.

Next chapter.

Soltan goes to Fleet Administration Complex, which looks like a bunch of space ships, because the guys who work in them spend all the rest of their time in space ships, I guess, and he goes to get Jett transfered to the CIA. But they can't do it, because apparently you need form B12 and the princess is in another castle. I am seriously expecting Soltan to have to treck through half the complex to get Jet on his team, but even Hubbard thought that'd be asking too much of his audience. In the end, he gets the orders and goes to pick up Jettero's baggage, and something beautiful happens. Something that makes this whole ordeal so much worth it:

Jettero's friends beat the crap out of the narrator. 

Trust me, at this point you are so fucking sick of Soltan's self-abasing, I-am-such-an-asshole and JETTERO HELLER IS SPACE ELVIS routine that this is the best fucking scene in the entire book. It is like when Bella DIES in Breaking Dawn. You know the author is going to fuck this up somehow, like by bringing them back to life, but it doesn't matter. It is happening right now. I am like, totally happy at this point. My life is filled with sunshine and rainbows, and I want nothing more than for this to continue for three hundred pages.

Sadly, it does not. Instead, we go to Jettero's room, and then...

Hey, you ever watched a man kiss his own ass before? Because that's kind of what happens next. Remember, Soltan is totally Hubbard's subconsious. Unintentional, but if you know ANYTHING about the man, anything at all? This is him. Jet is his Mary Sue (and I don't mean his wife). This is who he wants to be. So we enter Jet's room and Soltan starts looking for some character flaw. He doesn't find one. Instead he finds...

-An exquistely expensive room done up as a gift by people Jet rescued from certain death, thus letting him live in luxury without the stain of actually having material wealth

-A uniform so covered in decorations you can barely find a damn square of fabric, all of them life-threatening. Only he has more and never wears them. He's not a glory hound, people

-A photo of a beautiful woman who is, wait for it...seriously, it gets better....Jettero's famous movie star sister (and not the sex kitten Soltan was hoping) (The concept of incest is, of course, never mentioned) (Because, you know, no WAY a military guy has a SMOKING HOT GIRL on his wall and he isn't fapping to her) (Just sayin')

And it just. fucking. goes. on. Jet is perfect. Do you get it? JET IS PERFECT. This whole chapter could have been accomplished by the flashing words "JETTERO HELLER IS A SAINT AND YOU WILL NEVER BE HIM" over and over and over again.

And then the chapter is over. Oh, thank bleeding God. It's over.

But it gets better, guys and girls! Come back tomorrow, and watch fuck-all happen again!


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Goddamn phone I hit the wrong button and made your awesome comment go away. So very very sorry Ian.

    And yes. I would pay money for that too.