Saturday, September 15, 2012

Book Bitch: Mission Earth IS STILL HERE

We are FINALLY at the halfway mark people. Two weeks of bitching at three chapters a go and we're only JUST NOW making it to the halfway mark.

"Bristling with excitement" my fat ass.

So what is on the deck for today?

*reads ahead*

Oh god. This part.

Okay, before we go much further, let me recap what's going on. I haven't done one of these in a couple of days. *deep breath*

Earth doesn't exist, but it is critical to the Voltarian invasion campaign anyway. Jettero Heller is Space Elvis, and the only person who can help Earth be Rescued From Ourselves. Soltan Gris is our narrator and he fails at EVERYTHING, and Hubbard has so far managed to be racist AND mysogynist AT THE SAME TIME. Also, Jettero's girlfriend looks like this:

And acts like this:

So what happens next?!?

Well, remember when Soltan tried to cheat Jettero out of all his money, and got cheated himself? OF COURSE NOT. IN NO OTHER BOOK WOULD THIS BE A THING. But it is a thing in this book. Soltan Gris, our narrator, now has no money. He decides to scam Murder Guard out of money, because the Murder Guard smuggled the Countess Krak into Jet's new tug boat/space ship.

And then Hubbard does something that would make the unfunny cut kitty cry.

Murder Guard has to explain how the got the Countess out, see. And his story starts with the words "there was this transvestite."

See, in the Voltarian worlds, anybody sexually deviant is disposed of. The trucks that transport them are called "garbage trawlers" and on this particular one was somebody who looked a lot like the Countess. Only it's a he. His name is Tweek. He is saved ONLY so the Countess and Jet can christen his new tug boat. Which I think they are doing right now.

Way to treat other human beings with dignity, Ron.

To make the story short (too late) Soltan fails at aquiring money. He can't get any from Murder Guard, from the driver who did work for Jettero, or from his own employer. And because he doesn't even have money to buy food or water (apparently no one on Voltair heard of water fountains) he halucinates a turkish dancing girl bringing him food.

Because an alien from another galexy would do that.

Oh, but Soltan has been trained in the evil art of psychology. This is what he attributes his great success in the CIA to. Psychology.


And then...oh you have got to be fucking kidding me. TWICE? In THREE CHAPTERS? CAN YOU PLEASE KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF RON? No? Please? No, we're really doing this?


Soltan realizes once he's on Earth with Space Elvis, he'll have no way to get information from Voltar. How does he solve this? He finds two gay guys in the CIA. Two guys named "Too-Too" and "Oh, dear". Oh, wait. These are nicknames. What wonderful, dignified names has Ron provided for Soltan's two latest victims?

Twolah and Odur. ODUR. As in ODOR. As in stinky. Does this get worse?

Oh, yes. It gets worse. The two are going to travel two and from Earth. And when one is in transit, the other one is supposed to seduce the old gay guy from wayyyyyyyyy back in the beginning. The Councilman we all forgot about. And then they are supposed to switch places. And if they don't do it, Soltan will kill their mothers. See, he has used psychology to deduce this important fact: men love their mothers. They agree. Scene over!

You know what bugs me about this? You know Twilight? Gay people don't exist in Twilight. They are never brought up. They are never mentioned. Because it is not okay to be gay in the Mormon church and Stephenie Meyer would rather not deal with it. there is another Church where it is not okay to be gay either, and while we're not naming it everybody reading this should know exactly which one it is. And it does not get any better from here on out, folks.

It also doesn't get any more amusing. That's our three chapters, and I need to go to bed. You guys take care.


  1. Wow.

    That's... That's all I got. Wow.

  2. It's amazing the amount of bullshit I skimmed over the first time I read it. It's why it took me a YEAR to review this book. There was so much blatant shit it made working it over in one post too hard.

    I just forgot how much pointless crap there was to skim over.