Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Book Bitch: Mission Earth One


Silver Bullet is still cheap. As in free. You'll also notice I've mixed things up a little bit. I'm playing with Amazon's options (and getting really frustrated with them, but they're still the best platform I've used so far) and have split off one of the stories in Silver Bullet into it's own thing. It will be free today and tomorrow. You've probably already read it, so I'm not going to go OMG GO GET IT, but if you wanted to have a copy knock around on your Kindle for a while, it'd probably help me out.

And if you don't have it, definately go get Silver Bullet, because Blue Ghosts comes out in October and it picks right up where it left off. Can you follow the story without it? Probably. But you might want to introduce yourselves pronto.

(And if you have any questions about what I'm doing, comment. I like comments. I like comments a lot. Also? I hate begging, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review the books if you've read them. Preferably on Amazon, but anywhere would be nice. Please guys. It'd help a lot.)

Okay, so today? We get to watch Soltan Gris fail at everything.

Not all that different. Soltan has been failing at everything since this book started, but he's been doing so in a painfully obvious way that accomplishes nothing for us, the readers forced to watch him fail instead of watch Jettero Heller be awesome. Because yes, he is a Mary Sue and horrifically boring, BUT AT LEAST HE ISN'T A RACIST, SEXIST SHIT LIKE SOLTAN. And the only thing worse than watching a Mary Sue be Mary-Sue-ly awesome? Is watching a Mary Sue fail.

So what happens next???

Soltan makes it back to the tug (next chapter:) and has another arguement with the computer, which he fails at. Also, we get to overhear Hubbard's homophobia as a kid is told to go seduce someone they hate so that the narrator gets the news. Isn't it wonderful how disgusting that is once gender is removed?

Next Chapter:


See, as Soltan has reminded us six billion times in the last four days, HE HAS NO MONEY. And as per Fleet tradition, someone with a new promotion has to take all his buddies out to the nearest nightclub and pay for it. And Jet is calling in this debit right now.

He, the Countess Krak (and I can no longer pretend this is not another name for the Countess's ass. Thanks, Ron) and Jettero's beautiful famous sister, Hightee Heller (OH MY GOD. A WOMAN WITH A NICE NAME. STOP THE PRESSES) all go to a nightclub where you have to preform in public, otherwise they double the bill.

These guys are on a secret mission to Earth that should have left ages ago, and Soltan Gris allows his prisoner Jet, the Countess, who is also his prisoner, and the sister that is more famous than Space Elvis, to take him to a restaurant HE CANNOT AFFORD TO GO TO, where they will all have to preform in public.

He is suffering. It is beautiful. There is a running list of exactly how expensive all the things they are buying are, Soltan is whimpering at how much things are. And then the lights flash! SOLTAN GRIS HAS TO PREFORM IN PUBLIC.


And then! Soltan notices that there are cameras here. And if any member of the table does something exceptional, they will be on the news and everyone will know that Jet has not left Voltan for Earth, yet. Because they are still to go to Earth and help us be Rescued From Ourselves, children. And as Hubbard has NAILED INTO OUR HEADS, the three most exceptional people in all the universe are sitting at this very table!

First! Jet and the Countess preform the Manco Mancho (STOP NAMING THINGS, RON!) and then the Countess does magic tricks. And then Hightee Heller preforms, and it's like Taylor Swift just dropped into your local bar for a drink and decided to do a set with Uncle Hal's garage band just for giggles.

AND THEN SOLTAN SEES THE BILL! AND SHOOTS OUT THE LIGHTS! BECAUSE HE CANNOT AFFORD TO PAY! And there is PANDAMONIUM, loyal blog-readers. PANDAMONIUM, as people fling their bodies before Hightee Heller's gentle form, willing to die to save her from RANDOM BULLETS, and all four escape the nightclub with their lives intact, and their names gaurenteed a spot in tonight's headline news, BECAUSE SOMEONE (this being Soltan) SHOT AT HIGHTEE HELLER. WHILE SHE WAS PREFORMING IN A NIGHTCLUB WITH UNCLE HAL'S GARAGE BAND.

And then Jet reveals that he'd paid the bill himself, because he knew the whole fucking time, Soltan had no money.

The whole mission has been blown for absolutely nada.

Oh, Hubbard's going to ruin all this tomorrow, and I don't care. For right now Soltan Gris suffered as I have suffered, and the whole world is rainbows, my loyal blog-readers. FUCKING RAINBOWS.

TOMORROW: Soltan finds out why he's been so sick to his stomach lately. And no, sadly. It is not M-preg.


  1. "And as per Fleet tradition, someone with a new promotion has to take all his buddies out to the nearest nightclub and pay for it. And Jet is calling in this debit right now."

    To which the sane man sayeth 'You're prisoners, not friends.' But why should anything in this story actually make sense? It was written by a narcissist who would've been ashamed to say 'No, we are not going to the most expensive restaurant in existence. Because it would be stupid, that's why.'

    "Soltan finds out why he's been so sick to his stomach lately. And no, sadly. It is not M-preg."

    Why does Hubbard ignore all the truly awesome story choices he could make? Why does he always go for the suck? We need something to make this story actually interesting. BRING ON THE M-PREG!

  2. It would make more sense than "THE HEROES ARE ALL WHITE PEOPLE"

    Now I can KIND of get why Soltan MIGHT not pull the "you're a prisoner" route (He needs Space Elvis to cooperate, so pretending that he's free is in Soltan's best interest) but there are about thirty good reasons to say no, and "WE ARE SAVING A PLANET" is probably number one.

    Hubbard ignores all the truely awesome because...uh...body thetans? Xenu? Honestly at this point I have no idea. Writers are not ruled by their stories. Owned, maybe, but if you don't want a story to go in a place you don't let the story go there. This is less not wanting to make the plot go a place and more not knowing where the plot needs to go. Everything about this book is screaming TRYING TOO HARD TO CONNECT.

    And what makes this story interesting is playing "Connect the Scien(blank)gist" with this story. I know just enough about what Hubbard was doing at the time to go, "Oh, THAT'S what that's about." His subconsious is literally hemoragging on every single effing page.