Blog Bitch: Mission Earth 1

Okay! happy happy fun times are back.

Or not. Because we're still reading Mission Earth.

When we last left our heroes: Jettero Heller is Space Elvis, the Countess Krak is a Bondage Disney Princess, Soltan and his organization are the DUMBEST FUCKING MORONS ON EARTH VOLTAN, We Earthlings must be Rescued From Ourselves by Space Elvis, L. Ron Hubbard fails at writing about women's issues, and I kind of got private drama all over the place yesterday. What happens next?

NOTHING.

The next three chapters contribute nothing to this book. We are doing them anyway, because you want me to (you do, right?) but there is nothing to this at all. You could cut them out of the book and the plot would be better off.

 First up! Soltan has to punish the guard that brought Jettero food for...bringing Jettero food.

It is exactly this exciting:



The end result of this? We find out that Soltan fails at punishing guards, and that Jettero is a saint.

Next chapter! Soltan argues with a machine!

End result? Soltan fails at arguing with machines, and we see again, that Jettero is a saint (and that you can have scientists and spaceships and be able to learn languages in thirty fucking seconds and still have AIs that are dumber than this guy:

Next Chapter:Soltan Gris signs a paper.

That is the whole purpose of this scene. SOLTAN GRIS SIGNS A PAPER. THERE IS. A WHOLE CHAPTER. DEDICATED. TO SIGNING. A PAPER.

And I am sad to say that you do need to remember this. It is a shipment from Earth. It is the reason the DUMBEST FUCKING MORONS ON VOLTAN are interested in Earth. Got it? Good.

Here's something that is actually entertaining to take the bad taste out of your mouth: