Micah/Anita Blake--Chapter One

Alright, I've got your good news and your bad news and your fun news:

Good news: We're doing Anita Blake now!

Bad news: Posting will be iffy for this weekend.

Fun news: Posting will be iffy because I am going to Realms Con. Realms Con is Corpus Christi's big sci fi/anime/fantay/whatever convention (Big being relative. This is Corpus we're talking about) and I will be spending the relivant evenings at my father's house. At worst, this means friday and saturday will be post-less, but this might change. Stay tuned.

So. Anita Blake.

I tried to sit up, sandwiched between the two of them where I always slept, but I was trapped. Trapped in the sheets, one arm tangled in Nathaniel’s hair. He usually braided it for bed, but last night we’d all gotten in late, even by our standards, and we’d just fallen into bed as soon as we could manage it.

I have not missed you.

Anita is awakened by a phone call. She decides to let the answering machine get it, but listens real hard because it could be an emergency call for her, or for Micah, who is the leader of the *snerk* Furry Coalition.

Yes. LKH really did name the shapeshifter buddy system "The Furry Coalition" without any irony whatsoever.

Not to mention that Micah and Anita are the last people on earth I would want handling my emergency. Anita is not stable, either emotionally or physically (I will give her stability when she stops fucking at the drop of a hat and feeling guilty for doing so) and Micah alternates between ubersubmissive and bully too much to be anything near safe. Given the large number of comparitively stable people in their lives (Anita's teacher-witch, Ronnie, most of the cops,) there are WAY too many better choices for Anita and Micah to be the first names in the mental rolodex.

It turns out that it's Larry Kirkland, Anita's co-worker, and Tammy is having a baby. And it's not doing too well. Anita, of course, gives us her lovely commentary on the situation:

Tammy and Larry had been dating for a while when Tammy ended up pregnant. They’d married when she was four months pregnant. Now the baby that had made them both change all their plans might never be born. Or at least not survive. Shit.

Well, we've got judgement of her uber-Christian friend for getting preggers out of wedlock, so that's nice. Even better is the whole "this is a tragety because this baby made them change their lives and now the reason for their union will no longer exist" theme. Nevermind that they are losing their baby. It's the circumstances that make it sad. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if Tammy and Larry hadn't married? (Note: YES IT FUCKING WOULD.)

Yeah. Reading Anita Blake is like watching this bizzare otherworld alien try to ape real human behavior. We understand that these are terrible circumstances that require an emotional reaction, but it's like the reason why this is awful (BECAUSE THEY WANTED THE BABY AND NOW IT IS DYING) is totally beyond her.

Anyway, Larry has a court case where he has to ressurect a zombie for cops/DAs to interview, only now he can't because his wife is in premature labor and his baby might die. Anita is the only other Animator who is also a US Marshal (which I'm half convinced had to come out of a crackerjack box) so she's next up to go to wherever the court case is. The text doesn't say. The text does, however, say that this is a terrible tax on her abilities because she's terrified of flying.

We go on to cover all the "new book" bases--who Anita is dating, what her job is, who Anita is dating, what an Anitmator is, who Anita is dating--and we finally get something coherant on the grandfathering-of-the-executioners-into-Marshals:

I was a federal marshal because all the vamp executioners who could pass the firearms test had been grandfathered in so that the executioners could both have more powers and be better regulated.

Yes. Let's give an otherwise unqualified civilian powers that superceede ALL local law-enforcement regulations for no other reason than they can kill a vampire and know how to shoot a gun. Because OBVIOUSLY that's all you need to know to be a good cop. It's not like you don't have to understand human behavior, or recieve sensativity training. I could understand (sort of) Anita being admitted into the Marshals after she took a few THOUSAND classes in law enforcement...type...stuff. But not "Well, you can shoot, so here's the badge that every cop in this country has to respect. Knock yourself out".

Especially not someone who, as Anita brings up not one paragraph later, still does not have all of her metaphysical powers under control.

I do not understand what would motivate ANYONE to write a story where the killer power is someone's sex drive, but Anita can kill people with hers. And she has no idea how to keep it under control other than to throw penises at it until it goes away, which is part of why she can kill people with hers. And we're going to first lock her in a metal tube a couple miles above the ground, and then we're going to plop her into a brand new city where the cops aren't forced into "Grin and bear it" mode.

Now, normally we would continue to develop this very interesting plot about zombie raising for a court case (HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP? HOW?). Instead, we're going to talk about how Asher has the hots for Nathanial.

For a while.

Because this is supposed to be more interesting than raising zombies for federal court case interrogations.

Kissing and smooching and packing is done. The city is finally mentioned--Philadelphia takes one for the team, apparently--and Micah gets tapped to go with Anita. Nate has to stay home because he's been fully developed, whereas the entire readership still sees Micah as a raping asshole who should have died three books ago.

The chapter ends with Anita making googly eyes at Nate.

This is going to be painful, isn't it?