Monday, March 11, 2013

Caress of Twilight--chapter 36

Today was a clusterfuck of epic proportions, of the sort that promises to taint every single day for the rest of this week. My job does really well for a really long time, and then it's like it just goes "FUCK YOU" and then goes 'splody. All over everything. And it always does this at high stress times like Spring Break and summer vacation's first few weeks, when we need everybody to bring the A game and they bring the C and D boards instead, with half the pieces missing.

So we are doing one chapter, and I will try to be entertaining and then I will go to bed because ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE I have fucking jury duty in the morning.

SO. Merry has done fertility ritual and now she's going back to give the magic she got from sex to Maeve Reed.

I do not do fertility rites, mostly because I've got no reason to (I'm not having babies, I'm not breeding kittens and my attempts at growing things usually end with a lot of brown twigs and misery.) so I do not know how silly or not silly the ritual was. Somebody else pointed out that Fertility Rites Do Not Work This Way and I am going to take their word for it.

Anyhoo, Merry goes back inside to give Maeve Reed her magic kiss.

That's probably the best drink ever, and it probably involves heavy cream, creme de cacao and the biscotti liquor I traded half of my soul for last week. It is, however, a very lame description of a transfer of power, and it's a fucking flippant thing to say about somebody's last chance to have a kid with the love of their life.

Also, Merry does a long description about how awful and dead looking Gordon is next to de-glamoured Maeve, and all it does is make me want to shout "fuck you" at Merry until my voice gives out. You are the one who is calling attention to how different they are. Maeve is losing somebody she loves that she won't get back. You do not even have to pick which guy you love. Sit down and shut up.

And then LKH tries to write meaningful dialogue:

“You smell of wilderness,” Conchenn said. “The heart of the earth beats through you, Meredith. I can see it like a green glow behind my eyelids.” She began to cry crystal tears, as if her tears should have been able to be held and set in silver and gold. “Your green man smells of sky and wind and sunlight. He glows yellow inside my head.”
Crystal tears, yo. CRYSTAL. FUCKING. TEARS. I mean...look, I am sure everybody here is familiar with My Immortal. We've all been on the 'net a LONG TIME, I am sure several of us lurk in the same places, we should all know about the most famously shitty Harry Potter fan fic in the history of shitty fan-fics. I like a good purple turn of phrase as much as the next chick (Sunshine, Sunshine, Sunshine, oh my fucking God, Sunshine. If you like vampire fiction and were-whatever fiction and things that involve demons and food? And you have not read Sunshine? Stop reading my blog, go over to Amazon right now, and buy a copy. Your life is not complete.) (Also? It is the District 9 of books. There should be a sequel. It is screaming for a sequel. THERE WILL NEVER BE A SEQUEL. WE GET TWENTY TWO SHITTY ANITA BLAKE BOOKS AND THE UNIVERSE CANNOT PRODUCE TWO BOOKS WORTH OF SUNSHINE. LIFE. IT IS NOT FAIR.)but LKH just went deep into My Immortal territory and never looked back. Next up her characters will be putting their things into their you-know-what's and they'll be doing it for the first time.

And Merry knows that she's given Maeve a child even though Maeve doesn't have her magic and she and Gordon haven't screwed yet (...I know. I know. I'm getting there) but Merry's magic is so powerful that "It could not be truly stopped, this cycle, because if it stopped, life itself would stop."

Pretensious punctuation, Batman! Also, every time LKH does something like that sentence up there, remember The Emperor's New Groove and read it in Kronk's voice. Somebody brought that up on Lashouts several months ago and I cannot make myself stop doing it. It makes everything okay.

So yes. Merry's magic is that big. Whoopdie-do. She gives it to Maeve, Maeve gives it to her dying husband, and they are left to fuck on what I really, really hope is not Merry's bed, because her sheets are probably septic and Gordon doesn't need to deal with that.

Also, and I have been sitting on this for the last month waiting to get to this part...HOW THE BLUE FUCK IS GORDON REED HEALTHY ENOUGH FOR SEX?!? The man is dying. And not, to quote Fight Club, in the zen buddest sense of the word, but in that "Hey, I'll be dead before we have to take the library books back" kind of way. His Plot Disease is never defined, I'll spot them that one, but earlier they said "six weeks". If it's Christmas and you don't have to worry about Valentine's Day anymore, enough of your systems have gone haywire enough to make sex actively dangerous for your health. This kid is probably shaving days off Gordon's remaining weeks. WHY ARE THEY NOT USING A PETRI DISH? 

Okay. I'm better now.

And hey, if Maeve can get a gaurenteed child by Merry and Galen fucking in a stranger's lemon grove, why isn't she preggers yet? This is not my question. THE BOOK IS ASKING THAT TOO: 

“If I have such fertility power, then why aren’t I pregnant yet?”
Maybe because if you did, there wouldn't be another book or nine to follow.

They decide that the answer is "more sex", which would be great if for no other reason than we wouldn't have to watch Merry play "Dodge the invitation" anymore...but I think the guys are offering to carry her and have sex while they are carrying her, and the chapter ends before I can figure out WTF they are talking about.

(BTW I would have said the Grand Prize for Shittiest Fanfic Ever would go to My Immortal, but it got beat out by Fallout: Equestria AKA the Fallout/My Little Pony Mashup that nobody ever needed or wanted, but that somehow not only exists, but is seven-hundred-thousand words long. You are allowed to google that, only because I am in pain, blog readers, pain, and I do not want to suffer alone.)

(Seriously. Nuclear wasteland and cartoon pink ponies. This exists.)

1 comment:

  1. Sunshine was a good book but I kept wishing someone would reach out of the book with a plate full of warm, delicious cinnamon rolls. It never happened, and that was so disappointing.

    I also wish she had been nicer to her sweet, tattooed boyfriend.