Tuesday, November 20, 2012

City of Bones Chapter Eleven

I know, I know. Two posts in one day are a little much. But one, I want to get DONE with this POS, which is a bad sign if I didn't have two TERRIBLE books waiting in the wings and...I feel like crap.

Actually, I feel as if I've been standing on a boat for a week and a half. My tummy, boys and girls, is not a happy tummy. But subtle and annoying balance issues aside, I don't want to do anything except tear into something terrible.

And this book certainly counts. Where were we?


There are names that just scream "I WANT TO BE IMPORTANT". This is one of them.

So after Jace verbally abuses a taxi driver--wait. Let me check that.

...yep. He verbally abuses a taxi driver:

Jace leaned forward and banged his hand against the partition separating them from the cab driver. “Turn left! Left! I said to take Broadway, you brain-dead moron!”
You know, there is a rule in dating. You pay attention to how the other person treats service workers. You know, waitresses, cashiers and taxi drivers. If they are an asshole to them, they will eventually be an asshole to you.

This guy? Is not a winner. Is more of a "spray couch down with disinfectant."

SO. After verbally abusing a taxi driver, Jace takes Clary to a magical restaurant. Alec, Isabelle and Simon all meet them there. Clary realizes the doorman is not human, and Jace calmly lets her know its not a demon, either:

“He’s an ifrit,” Jace explained. “They’re warlocks with no magic. Half demons who can’t cast spells for whatever reason.”


Finaly Fantasy aside, they are a creature of...oh MY, Arabic and Islamic cultures. So it seems I spoke too soon a couple days ago. Ifrit and "djinni" are, according to Wikipedia, interchangible, and according to my memories of A Thousand and One Nights are pretty damn badass. As in "Melt your life" badass.  Another word for them is "genie"


 Other patrons of the magical pasta shop include vampires, as proven by the blood on the menu, kelpies, nixies, fairies, and...you know, other than the fairies, there isn't one damn thing on this list I'd want in my restaurant. Oh, selkies. I'd have a selkie. Selkies and fairies, but everything else is either best known for drowning children alive or Edward Cullen. And nobody wants Edward Cullen.

Alec launches into a long conversation that lets Clary realize Alec is in love with Jace. Just like her.

There are better people to become attached to, kids. Some of them even qualify as functional human beings. Seriously. How  can anybody sit close to Jace and not come down with a severe case of hives?

They decide to leave, given that all these downworlders are listening. Hey, kids? Let's start by not going into a downworlder restaruant to begin with. Also, we get to add peri and Djinni to the list of Things Clare has Borrowed Inappropretely. Though again, technically ifrit are dijinni, but not all djinn are ifrit. Kind of like bugs and insects ,you know?

Moving on.

So Isabelle suddenly flips out and asks Jace what the warlock they have to find is. Apparently, Magnus Bane is a warlock who is a MAJOR pain in the ass. Well, it turns out that Isabelle got an invite to a party from a downworlder while she was dancing at Pandaemonium at the beginning of the book.

You know. The place where they straight up murdered a boy in front of Clary.

So after deciding that this party is THE place to go to get info on Magnus they...go back to the institute.

You know, the thing about Harry Potter taking for fucking ever to get to the point? They had classes to do. And the one time they didn't have classes...yes. The FUCKING camping scenes got old fast, but there was this whole viva la Resistance thing going on that fit in with underlying themes of THIS IS WORLD WAR THREE. 

Clary is bunking with the SS. Reformed SS, but EVERYBODY in this book is either reformed SS, SS for reals, or straight up related to Hitler. This is not the resistance. This is not Dumbledor's Army and the bleeding Order of the Phoenix. These are the people they are fighting against. So is it a little much to have SOMETHING FUCKING HAPPEN please?

Yes. Apparently, yes it is.  Clary wanders around the institute and finds The Mirror of Erised a picture of her mother. Standing next to Valentine. With her arms around him. Which is weird to Clary because she never imagined her mom being with anybody other than her dad.

Kiddo, you went to school, right? Let's play a little game we grown ups like to call Math.

You are fifteen.

Sixteen years ago your dad died.

Sixteen years ago your mother was involved with Valentine. Who everyone said died.

The average child gestates for nine months.

Nine months subtracted from twelve leaves three.

Your mother would have had three months to find any other possible male to fuck to produce you.

Your mother, sixteen years after losing her "first love", is still too screwed up to date anyone. 

Obvious answer should be obvious, even to you.

So Hodge gives her the photo, which has pictures of everyone in it, including Jace's dad, who looks nothing at all like Jace. And Clary realizes how romantically Valentine and her mom are looking at each other, and I could just fucking vomit. Seriously. On top of my vertigo issues it's almost too much.

 Then she goes into her bedroom and finds Jace looking at her pictures. He tells her what a WONDERFUL artist she is, she shuffles her feet all embarised like, and Jace decides to tell her a bedtime story about himself and his father.

It's supposed to be a story of how Real Men Are Taught To Be Men. Instead, it's a textbook case of abuse at the hands of a sadist. Seriously, this story wouldn't be out of place in A Child Called It. Jace's dad gave him a falcon to tame, only it was a wild bird that was supposed to be impossible to tame. Jace, given that he is a main character and all animals come to his Snow White Aura, tamed it. Dad, miffed that he didn't account for it, broke its neck and made up bullshit to justify his temper tantrum.

Magic World needs CPS like NOW kids.

So she goes to sleep and is awakened by Isabelle, who insists on giving Clary one of Twilight-Alice's patented makovers before they head off to Magnus's party. After getting all dolled up, Simon flips out. Oh, and here is how Simon is presented:

Even half in demon hunter clothes, Clary thought, he looked like the sort of boy who’d come over to your house to pick you up for a date and be polite to your parents and nice to your pets.
Because GOD FORBID we have somebody who is actually a good person be rewarded for being good.

Jace examines her, decides he approves of her wearing one of Isabelle's shirts as a dress--not kidding--and then gives her a knife. The chapter ends.

TOMORROW: A party at Trying-Too-Hard Bane's. Should be fun. Not. 


  1. "Even half in demon hunter clothes, Clary thought, he looked like the sort of boy who’d come over to your house to pick you up for a date and be polite to your parents and nice to your pets."

    Totally not sexings material. There's no way this loser would ever end up dead of an OD in a gutter. Wimp.

    Go drink some ginger ale or peppermint tea. Or peppermint tea with a bit of ginger. Or, hey, peppermint tea brewed with ginger ale. No way that could go wrong.

  2. I'll try that. Today's actually been a lot better than the last few days. Hopefully it's just stress. Or psychosomatic.

    What scares me is my grandmother and aunt both have Meniere's disease, which other than being IMPOSSIBLE to spell, is where your inner ear trips and you feel like the room is spinning severely. ALL. THE. TIME. As in you spend most of your time hugging the toilet. And I have the same body type and temprement as my grandmother and this particular aunt. So if anybody in this generation's going to get it, it probably will be me.

    So I'm going to do as much as I can to minimize it, and assume that it's just in my head and it'll go away as soon as I feel non stressed.