Monday, November 26, 2012

City of Bones: Chapter 15

At the risk of starting my THIRD religious rant in as many posts, the Random Hispanic Vampire is named Raphael. Raphael is, for lack of a better term, my favorite archangel. Should I be annoyed that this is the nearest he gets to real coverage, or actively relieved?

Anyway, last time on Suddenly Werewolf, the vampire party got crashed by a band of Random Wolves, and sadly, Jace and Clary are both still alive. The sociopathic wonder and the cardboard cut-out exposit about how vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies, and I have to ask: WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS COME FROM? Seriously. Fifteen years ago Laurel K. Hamilton didn't suck, and she was writing books were the weres and the vamps were, at worst, reluctant allies if not outright in bed together (...literally. This IS LKH after all). I was never *that* into Buffy, but I really liked Angel and the wolfies weren't hated there. But the last few years it's been vamps and wolves/lycans/therianthropes are mortal enemies. It even reared its ugly head at the eleventh hour in Breaking Dawn of all places. WHY. WHY IS THIS A THING?

Wait. Cassandra Clare book. Right.

Okay, so back to "Random Collection of Shiny Object Plot Things", Jace explains that this is bad, something must have HAPPENED to make the wolves arrive at this moment in time, and that they are about to be in a war.

...something might happen in this book? Seriously?!?

So then a wolf shape-shifts and says that they came for Clary.

OF COURSE THEY DID. This whole book REVOLVES around Clary. Nothing would happen in this book that DOESN'T have something directly to do with her. You remember my rules about a Mary Sue? She can solve the plot, but she doesn't start it. The problems should not revolve around her little tiny life.

Of course the vamps do not say "Sure, take her with our compliments, and make sure you eat the rat too" like any sane creature would, having been stuck in the same room as Clary Frey. Rather, they decide to keep her, and a fight breaks out.

The sound of the fight is described like this:

The noise was like nothing Clary had ever heard. If Bosch’s paintings of hell had come with a soundtrack, they would have sounded like this.
We need to have Intellectual Pretense Bingo Cards. This item would go in the corner. Also in a corner are Clary and Jace, who are not participating in this fight at all, and who also are not running. If werewolves had tried to steal me from werewolves, I'd be running.

Simon, being brighter than the main cast all rolled up together, spots a door behind the drapes and runs for it. Clary and Jace follow the rat, because that's what our heroes do. A wolf follows them and Clary, who has never thrown a knife in her life, manages to nail the wolf with one of Jace's knives on her very first try. I guess somebody pointed out that Clary has done fuck all for over half of this book, but it's way too late to salvage her as a character by now.

So while the incredibly badass end to Breaking Dawn  2 (the whole movie is kind of worth the last twenty minutes, I'm not kidding) happens behind a closed door, Clary and Jace get to sneak down a shaky staircase. It's rickety. It's rotten. It shakes a little when they step on it. Then the door gets broken down by one side or the other, and they flee quickly, with as little  as one hundred feet between them and the bad guys. But they need it, because Jace is going to steal one of the screams-of-the-damned motorcycles. She sees the vampires as they leave, though, surrounded by werewolves. So there is that.

Meanwhile, Clary and Jace flirt on the motor cycle.

There was a battle between werewolves and vampires BEHIND us, and we have flirting instead. RIVETING, boys and girls. RIVETING!

Also, Clary has never flown on an airplane.

Yo, Clare? You can have your heroine be innocent and sweet, but look...she's mainstreamed in the modern world, and she's never been in a real fight, she's never thrown a weapon--and nice move there Mom--she's never flown in an airplane, and she's never been in a church. Why not just tattoo "I AM A VIRGIN" on her forehead and get it OVER with.

(Oh god it just occured to me...this is probably one of the scenes C&Ped from the Draco Trilogy, isn't it? I bet it is...)

Of course, when the sun rises the bike conks out, and we have Obligatory Falling Scene. Simon is magically returned to humanity and he and Clary share a loving embrace...that Jace witnesses. The last sentence in the chapter is Jace turning sharply away "As if the sun hurt his eyes."

aww. You made Appleblossum puke.
Buckle up boys and girls. The romance is about to get hardcore.

No comments:

Post a Comment