The Harlequin--chapter 23

Everything else in this chapter cannot be outweighed by the fact that it is a rapist's afterglow. Like, literally, everything from this point on could be the best writing of LKH's career and it wouldn't redeem the bullshit we just read. We're supposed to root for Anita after she just raped hundreds of people, simultaneously. Many of whom were her bodyguards, supporters, and friends. Hey, she just raped Ronnie's fiancee! Let's see her explain that to her best  friend. Should go great over dinner.

Really. I could stop now. It's not theoretical anymore. Anita Blake consciously raped all the were-rats. She knew what she was doing the entire time.

But nope. Not only is this chapter irredeemable just because of it's context, we also have a great big beautiful WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT because of its context.

Anita Blake is about to have wild lesbian sex.

Not kidding. Not even remotely. Go get your booze of choice, guys and girls. It's...special.

The chapter opens with Anita describing herself being defibrillated. Pain, and she's out. More pain, and then she's out. Oh, hey, we get a full color description of how it feels when the paddles go over her boobs and what the paddles look like, which means she's responsive and consious and I didn't know it was possible to be in fibrillation and still be able to count the hairs on your doctor's nose.

I smelled burning, something was burning. I saw those little flat paddles I’d had used once before on my chest. I realized I was what was burning.

And I thought the "Edward stops my heart by kissing me" scene in Twilight was illogical. Anita, sadly, doesn't die. Dr. Lillian realizes that the defib isn't working so she starts hitting Anita in the face. And while the actual approved medical device failed, and the (presumable) CPR failed, getting hit in the face actually works.

Obviously casa Hamilton watched The Abyss the night before she wrote this.

Anita is apparently life support for Richard and Jean Claude, and they are draining her to stay alive, so she's dying too. Lillian gives her morphene. This sounds astoundingly stupid to me. However, given that Dr. Lillian is also one of the official rape victims (she's part of the Rodere, right?) I have to hope it's an intentional overdose. Either that, or Lillian is a fucking saint and the worst doctor in the history of the world.

Anita goes off into lala land and dreams about a ball. Everybody there is dressed up in Harlequin masks. Belle Morte shows up and the description stops making any fucking sense at all.

The hem of a crimson dress was at my hands. She knelt beside me. She was still the brunette beauty who had nearly conquered all of Europe once.

Is Anita wearing the dress? Is Belle Morte wearing a dress? I'm about to move into a lot of fail but it doesn't matter because I am fascinated by this damn dress. Anita does drop to her knees in front of Belle because her imaginary corset is too tight and it's strangling her. Belle, realizing that Jean Claude is dying, takes Anita to an imaginary bedroom and cuts the imaginary corset off with an imaginary knife. I am sure we're supposed to find this gothic and exciting but it's imaginary. Not interesting. It would be interesting if, say, the corset was symbolic of broken ribs or drowning or a punctured lung or--

“What happens in my dreams can be very real, ma petite. Corsets here made your breathing there harder. You don’t have enough breath to spare.”

What the fuck.

Belle offers to help Anita. She thinks Jean Claude is already dead. Anita contradicts her, so of course Jean Claude isn't dead. He and Richard are being kept alive by Anita's other tri-whatever, her, Damian and Nathanial. The tri-whatever that is established to be weak to the point of killing Damian. The one that's been the crisis-motivator for about three different sex scenes. We're supposed to believe that a power drain that has killed Damian about three times now is strong enough to keep Richard and Jean Claude alive. If Damian and Nate aren't dead-past-reviving when Anita wakes up I'm calling bullshit.

Something Jean-Claude did in this new emergency has taught you better control of the power between you and your other triumvirate; your kitty and your vampire.”

That's an ass-pull if I've ever seen one. Also: Belle Morte would not say "kitty". That's not in character. Try again.



Belle Morte then soul kisses Anita (IN THE DREAM) to find out how the Harlequin showed up. She and Anita begin trading memories. This is mericfully brief and Belle asks what color mask they got. Anita says White and Belle starts laughing because trying to kill Richard means the Harlequin have broken the rules. The idiots who attacked Anita will be killed and the Harlequin disbanded.

Alright, look. I have to ask. This is a "Who watches the Watchmen" situation if I ever saw one. The Harlequin are the all-powerful justice giving boogymen of the vampire world and they've just gone over to the dark side. Who in their right mind would try to stop them? Enforce Vampire law on them? The Council? They just said fuck the council. They will probably kill any master who tries to kill them. Great. They get disbanded. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO ACCOMPLISH THIS.

 ...by making out, apparently.

No. I'm serious. Anita and Belle Morte start pawing each other and kissing and it is very, very much a makeout scene. I sat here mouth wide open going OH YOU ARE NOT GOING THERE ARE YOU and apparently we are. But it can't be a homosexual makeout scene so Anita is imagining herself as being Jean Claude and does male things with her body even though her body is still, in the dream-world, very much female.

I ended up on top of her, and my body kept forgetting that it wasn’t male. I pressed her to the bed, with my body between her legs. But I could not do what I was remembering. I swore in frustration , because more than anything in the world in that moment I wanted to pierce her body.

The lengths LKH is going through to avoid having a lesbian sex scene are astounding. Seriously, if she put half the effort into the bedroom gymnastics as she's putting into these mental ones, this series would at least be interesting. Anita is not gay people. She might be making out with an incredibly hot woman but she's imagining herself as a guy. So there.

Also, just to remind you: We are watching an admitted serial rapist get it on with another person not one hour after they raped hundreds of people.

...you know, it's rather amazing that when LKH wants to get edgy she starts doing oral sex. This time it's oral between Anita and Belle Morte, and for fucking once Anita is on the receiving end (But she's imagining that she's male! It's not gay!) but you know what? Oral sex is about as edgy as a spoon. Oral sex between lesbians, we'll upgrade to a spork. It's not that edgy.

Oral sex. Lots of comments from Anita about how weird and unusual it feels to be getting pleasure as a woman and not as a man.

I am not making this up. I am not drunk enough to be making this up.

In a legitimately good scene Belle tells Anita that the surviving Harlequin will have to kill Anita before she testifies that they broke the rules, and Anita rolls her eyes and tries to say "THEN TELL SOMEBODY WHEN YOU WAKE UP, BELLE"...but LKH ruins it by having Anita be too precious weak to get the words out. Belle could have said "It has to be said in real life" or "No one will take my word for it after the fiasco in Cerulean Sins" but nope. Anita has to be too weak to talk IN HER OWN FUCKING GODDAMN DREAM.

Belle says she'll make a psychic phone call to the rest of her people in St. Louis, and that Anita will need to fuck a great deal when she wakes up if she wants to keep Jean Claude and Richard alive. Because, you know, raping HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE AT ONCE BY YOUR OWN MOTHERFUCKING ADMISSION isn't nearly enough.

I do not even. There is no even. I will never even again.

End of chapter.