Saturday, January 11, 2014

Harlequin--chapter 15

This chapter makes me suspect that LKH is not human.

It's insane, it's probably one of the things that makes me a terrible human being, but I don't understand how some can (SO. VERY. OBVIOUSLY) read the criticisms of their work and go "HEY THIS IS THE WAY WE CAN FIX IT ALL." LET. ALONE. Think that ANY of what I am about to review is realistic, real human behavior.

This chapter is silly.

It's the Sharknado of sex, is what I'm saying.

Anita and Richard head off to the bathroom to fuck. Because we need about one shower/bathtub scene per novel. (Laurel watches bad porn, mkay?)

A boy draws their bathwater. The boy is 19. He's a former bodyguard who wittnessed the London sex scene.

For those of you who don't remember the London sex scene, it was bacially Richard's Rape 2.0. London was an ardeur addict who came to Jean Claude's territory because he figured if JC promised nobody would feed their ardeur on him, he'd be safe. Anita fed the ardeur on him, because FUCK boundaries, other people's recovery, and being a decent human being.

But Cisco had been in the room when I’d had sex with London, one of our British vamps, for the first time. Cisco had had trouble not seeing me as a piece of ass since that moment. He was young, young in ways that weren’t just about how old he was.
The book also makes a big deal about how Anita doesn't say this to Richard because it might upset him. Gee, I wonder why Richard might find that upsetting. Maybe because Anita raped another person UNDER EXACTLY THE SAME FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES with EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF REGUARD FOR THE PERSONHOOD OF HER VICTIM.

The London incident officially makes Anita a serial rapist. It gives her an MO and everything.

Richard hugged me, and again I got a flash of that amazing strength. “I want to check the water, but I’m really enjoying carrying you.”
This is just the start of the fluffy bunnies. It doesn't digress into "wet and tight" (yet) but...

He shuddered, head back, his voice panting, “God, Anita, God, I love the way you react to me. I do love it!”
Yeah. This is RICHARD saying this. Just to add icing to our cake of WTF. This. Goes on. For PAGES. They like having sex. They like having sex. ANITA AND RICHARD REALLY LIKE HAVING SEX. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS YET BECAUSE THE BOOK WILL REPEAT IT A FEW MORE TIMES IN CASE YOU DON'T GET IT.

 And then Anita calls a time out because she knows that fucking in this exact position will leave her walking funny the next morning. Because she did it with Micah and Micah is big, and Richard is roughly the same size. Only she doesn't say that out lout because she doesn't want to upset Richard. But I'm sure that Richard is mature enough to handle the compari--

  • “Say it, Anita.” His voice sounded tired. “I tried it with someone else.” “Why did it hurt?” “Don’t make me say this, Richard, please.” “Say it,” and his voice was harsher now. I sighed. “Fine, because he was too big for it not to hurt.” “Who?” “Don’t do this, Richard.” “Who?” This time it was a demand.
Yes. They have a fight over which one of Anita's lovers is bigger/as big as Richard. And it goes on for more pages than the fluffy bunny love scenes. Because the point here is to make sure EVERYONE KNOWS Micah is bigger than Richard.

It's important.

Would it be shitty of me to mention that the reigning anit-fan theory is that Richard=ex husband and Micah=current hubby? Yes it would? Well, fuck it. Richard=ex hubby, Micah=current one. I'm a shitty person but you gotta admit that's the ONLY thing that's made sense for about four chapters now.

  • “Jesus, no, Richard, you should know better than most that a really big cock is not enough to win my heart.” “Then why him? Why are you living with him and not me?” I sighed. We weren’t going to have sex. We were going to have therapy. Sweet Mary, Mother of God, I did not want to do this. “Don’t do this, not now, not today.”
No, Anita, because sane therapy would end with you and Richard breaking up because your relationship is OVER, and it's BEEN OVER for about ten-twelve books already. One, you cheated on him, and two YOU RAPED HIM.

“You’re right, it was stupid, but I’m stupid around you, Anita. You make me say things, do things, that I know are bad for the relationship.”
“I don’t make you do anything. You choose to say and do things that spoil stuff. Your choice, not mine.”
Never let it be said I don't give credit where it's due. That's exactly the right attitude to pull when your lover yanks "YOU MADE ME DO IT" out of its cold little bag. NOBODY makes anybody do anything. You are responsible for your own behavior. FULL STOP. It doesn't matter how abusive your situation is, or how shitty your history is. Being awful to another human being is NEVER EVER OKAY.

Eventually the conversation devolves into "WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR OWN TRUE FUCK" and Anita is all "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN DESIRES" Which is Anita-speak for "YOU DON'T WANT TO FUCK ME" but I want to call attention to this:

“You didn’t want to be my partner. You want your own life, not to be just an adjunct to mine.”

“I needed a 1950s wife to make my life run smooth. I needed someone to be my wife, and he’s really good at it.”

He blinked at me, and the energy level in the room seeped away. He stared at me. “I don’t want to be a werewolf.” “That’s your deepest wish, Richard, and the ardeur can’t give you that.
This is why Richard isn't perfect Anitabait. Because he wants his own life apart from her. Because he isn't content with the role of an uberperfect, selfless 1950's housewife (IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING TEXT) Because he doesn't want to have an easily commutable disease that makes him lose his self control and violate most of his morals and boundaries and he wants to do everything in his power to manage that disease, rather than surrendering to it. Richard is Anita's imperfect, discarded lover because he wants to be a human being and not a cardboard cutout fucktoy.

Anybody who says their desired lover is a 1950s housewife deserves to spend the rest of their life alone.

He stared at me and sat back in the water, almost like he was faint. “Oh, my, God.” He whispered it. “We thought at first you were just too conflicted for the ardeur to pick and choose, but I was the one who figured it out.” “You’re right,” he said. A look of soft horror covered his face. He looked at me, and such pain filled his eyes. “I did this to myself.” I shrugged. “I was so afraid I’d become a monster that I took the inoculations against lycanthropy. That’s how I caught it.”
The. Fuck.

IIRC, Richard got his werewolfyness from an improperly screened baggie of donated blood. Not from inoculations. And even if I remember wrong, HOW IS IT RICHARD'S FAULT. Replace "Lycanthropy" with "Aids" and tell me how getting a shitty vacciene is your fault. LYCANTHROPY RUINS LIVES. Richard just wants to be a teacher and a husband, and he can't because he goes wolfy (and because he's tied to JC and Anita, but that's a rant for another time) IT IS NOT UNREASONABLE TO TAKE THE INOCULATIONS AGAINST A DISEASE TO PREVENT CONTRACTING SAID DISEASE.

ALSO: LKH had sure as fucking fuck better not be jumping on the "vacceines are bad" bandwagon because that is my favorite pet peeve. GET INNOCULATED. YOU ARE SAVING LIVES OTHER THAN YOUR OWN.

(also: Saying that it's better not to get vaccinated because it causes autism is the same fucking thing as saying that it's better to DIE HORRIBLY than develop autism. If you don't see how that is shitty behavior on your part, please turn in your human card, we don't want you anymore.)

Richard and Anita both go "WHY CAN'T YOU CONFORM TO MY LIFESTYLE" rather than going "Okay, compromise" like other healthy, albeit kinky, humans do, because ANGST is more important.

“I’ve got to feed, Richard, now. Nathaniel is starting to feel bad, and I won’t risk killing Damian.”
How to have guilt-free sex in your novel in one easy step: Ensure somebody unrealted will die if you don't fuck.

And then, I swear to fucking God, Anita goes on a tangent on how bigger isn't better in certain situations.


She of the "Well, Micah, your OTHER girlfriend just couldn't appreciate all your manly manhood manliness" is going off on how Richard, who is implied to be smaller than Micah, is too big.

I also know that if Richard and I couldn’t come to some kind of understanding, one day we’d be finished as a couple. He’d always be Jean-Claude’s wolf to call. He’d always be bound to us in a triumvirate of power, but we’d be broken up. It would be like being trapped in a relationship with someone you’d divorced but could never completely get rid of. A little slice of hell, that.
 Hey, kind of like Richard's life RIGHT NOW, right?

Anita goes on and on and ON about how Richard won't accept reality, how he can't leave, how he's such an ungreatful bastard (GEE, MAYBE ITS BECAUSE YOU'VE BLACKMAILED HIM INTO STAYING IN AN UNACCEPTABLE RELATIONSHIP) and how she wishes he could change.

And the chapter ends with her giving him a blowjob. End of chapter.



    (also: Saying that it's better not to get vaccinated because it causes autism is the same fucking thing as saying that it's better to DIE HORRIBLY than develop autism. If you don't see how that is shitty behavior on your part, please turn in your human card, we don't want you anymore.)

    ::slow clap::

    Thank you so much. I just don't understand these morons who refuse to vaccinate their kids. I looked up the supposed 'study' that started this whole fiasco, and it's a fucking sham that involved only a few, hand-picked kids (some of which had been showing symptoms of Autism before the study started) and it's completely ridiculous that anyone would take anything like that seriously. It's horrible how people put their kids and others at risk based on such a faulty study and the rantings of a few crazed celebrities.

    And you're exactly right. Even if vaccines caused Autism (of which there is no proof), it's a very small percentage in comparison to the much larger risk of getting one of those diseases and dying. A child is more at risk of being infected by one of those diseases and dying. Hell, a child has a greater chance of dying in a car accident. But no, Autism is apparently the great scourge of the century and parents would rather their kids die then risk that. Sorry for the rant, but I have family who work in mental health and it's really frustrating to see these lies and crazed ideas putting the lives of children at risk. Autism is not a fucking death sentence, while refusing to vaccinate your children can be potentially fatal.

    1. Oh I can go on about this for HOURS.

      Texas just had a measles outbreak that can be DIRECTLY TIED to one anti-vaccine scumbag preacher. Polio is making a comeback in African and Middle-eastern countries. Polio is a nightmare disease that, for a few years, was almost fucking gone, and it's back now.

      The goal of a vaccination program is not protection of the individual. This is a happy side effect. The goal is to achieve a state called "Herd immunity", where there's a great big wall of vaccinated people between the sick people and the people who CAN'T be vaccinated. Babies. Grandma and Grandpa. People with cancer or AIDS, or another auto-immune disorder. Not only does anti-vaccination say "It's better for you to die than be autistic" it says "It's better for THEM to die than for you to be autistic." It's putting the questionable chance of autism (And yes, no studies whatsoever support this theory, and EVEN IF IT DID the shit the study said caused it is no longer used in any vaccine given to developing children) over the protection of an extremely vulnerable population who absolutely deserve your consideration and protection.

      Enough people are listening to the anti-vaccine bullshit to break herd immunity for certain diseases. This should TERRIFY us, especially because anti-vaccine rhetoric found a home in many, MANY poor countries, and many of them stopped or suspended their vaccine programs. FOR ENTIRE COUNTRIES. The polio outbreaks are currently in poor countries that can't afford an outright epidemic, who are bordered by yet more relatively poor countries who have the same issues. Over there, the outbreaks are caused by distrust of and improper education in Western medicine, which means if the outbreaks DO turn into an outright epidemic it may take outside intervention (The CDC or WHO stepping in) to stop it. Which would take time and cost an awful lot of lives while the outside agencies try to get things set up...and that's IF the affected countries will even let them in. The anti-vaccine shit is killing people RIGHT NOW, as I type, as you read this, via diseases that we have the technology to eradicate, that we almost DID eradicate before people started preaching that vaccines are dangerous. And unless we are very lucky and extraordinary careful, it's gonna kill MILLIONS. All it'll take is the right number of people listening to the idiots, and the right disease in the right place, and we'll have an epidemic. And it'll probably be in an impoverished population that we should be protecting, that we have instead shoved in front of a firing squad playing Russian Roulette with the biological equivalent of atomic bombs.

      I don't completely blame western parents for listening to Jenny McCarthy and her buddies, and I don't completely blame the African countries for rejecting Western medicine (God knows they've got every right to tell the West to fuck off). I blame every witless, gutless, vile idiot who said "This vaccine is bad" when science did not back them up, and who continue to say that bullshit when people are ACTIVELY DYING of nightmare illnesses that are EASILY preventable. If you are in a position of authority you DO NOT SPOUT DANGEROUS BULLSHIT and anti-vaccine activism is dangerous bullshit. If the activists killed as many people by driving cars as they have by speaking in public, they'd all be in jail for vehicular manslaughter for the rest of their lives.

      Yes. I have passionate feelings on the subject.

    2. Oh yes, this is one of my 'rage button' issues too. And that fucking study was already thrown out and disproved by multiple sources and scientists, yet this still continues to be an issue of debate when there is fucking NOTHING to debate about it. And the sad thing is that I suspect it's going to take an epidemic before idiots finally start to listen. But we seem to be living in an era where people like to say "Don't listen to your doctor, listen to this random celebrity or anonymous stranger on the internet. They know better."