Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Wolf GIft--chapters 37-38

So How was my day?

I spent all day explaining what happened last night to lots of other people. Mostly women. And you know what? Even the ones who would love for the abortion bill to go through called bullshit on the last hour of legislature last night. Especially at the 12:03 roll call vote...thing. Also, this is my favorite woman in the world right now:

THAT SAID, Perry, champion of truth, justice and the American way that he is, has called "Mulligan" and decided that we will have another special session explicitly for the abortion bill.

And the implication is that Perry will continue to do this until the bill passes. Because, you know, the screaming at the capitol didn't actually mean anything.

Unfortunately I know very little about politics. Just enough to recognize the utter awesome thing accomplished by Davis, Watson, Ellis and Van De Putte (Ya'll are going to get sick of seeing those names for a while, I swear to God) but not enough to make any actual commentary other than "TEXANS: CALL YOUR FUCKING REPS AND PERRY TOMORROW. AND DO IT FRIDAY TOO"

So instead of blogging about the most amazing moment ever in the history of things (see .gif above) I'm going to blog about a really, really, REALLY boring book.

Felix and Ruben leave the mansion and go hunt an elk. They kill it and eat it.

It takes seven pages.


Coyotes appear and...okay, it's not the pube wolf sentence, but OH MY GOD ANNE WHY GOD WHY:

Felix appeared to watch, a great silent hairy man being with patient but glittering eyes.

Anyway, they kill and eat the coyotes too. Because wildlife exists just to please the holier-than-thou pube-wolf and his sainted wolf-ancestor.

The chapter ends with Felix calling Ruben "Brother" and Ruben heading up to the bedroom to find Laura haloed in sunlight.

...I am in the wrong mood to read about an overbearing rich white guy pawing a woman.

Next chapter, everybody's eating dinner.

Yes. It includes one of Laura's salads. I am developing a Pavlovian response every time the woman picks up the olive oil and heads of Romaine. And of course, the dinner is formal as fuck. It's like a big happy wolf Thanksgiving.

...yeah, a happy family is the one that would MUCH rather eat pizza on the couch while watching Avengers than have to break out the good silverware.

And then Felix asks Margon (There are so many random wolves now I'm not going to bother keeping track. It's like the lost boys, only dressed in pubic hair) to bless the meal and we go straight off the deep end into pretension.

Folks, I read theology books for fun. I love CS Lewis's theology almost more than I do his fiction, and I've been wading through this book on Christian Meditation and tarot cards for about two years. If I think this shit is pretensious? I cannot imagine what it is like for the rest of ya'll.

Oh, that humankind could make such music, thought Reuben, on this tiny cinder whirling in a tiny solar system lost in a tiny galaxy hurtling through endless space. Maybe the Maker of all this will hear this music as a form of prayer. Love us, love us as we love You.

So after turning religion into a big mass of purple-pink pony puke, we move on to info dumping about werewolves.

I'll let you know when I hit something unique and/or interesting.

...yeah, nothing so far, except that apparently all the other wolves lied to Marrok and told him that trying to turn humans into werewolves would kill the humans, because believing this would keep him from converting humans en-masse.


Also Margon manages to shit all over Ruben's mom in less than one sentence, because apparently every good and pleasant thing in Ruben came from his Dad, and one conversation with Dad is enough for Margon to know this.

Info dumping continues. Chrism blah blah blah bite blah blah blah immortality blah blah...yeah. This all belonged WAY back at the beginning of the book. If you can't bring your info into the first third? Second third at the latest? Don't fucking bother, okay?

Jesus. And I thought Breaking Dawn's "LETS ALL JUST TALK FOR A WHILE" Climax was bad.

 ...yeah, we've wandered off into pretension again. Anne Rice's werewolves are trying to explain Life, God, and the Human Condition.

 FINALLY, though, we come to something unique. The werewolves feel spiritually starved if they do not go out and kill random people. What, you don't believe me?

“Not really,” said Margon. “(The hunger is) always inside us. We feel partial, diminished, spiritually starved if we don’t give in to it, but I would say that is there from the beginning. Indeed, one can get sick of it, and withdraw for long periods, ignoring the voices.” He stopped.

As for why Ruben and company have to go out and kill random's confusing, but it's like a divinely appointed biological imperative? Like the wolves are God's avenging angels?

...We're talking about the creator of the universe. He could do better. A LOT better.

More shitting upon Marrok. Remind me what he accomplished as a character again?

...we are now talking about hobbits. I shit you not. Fucking Hobbits. The archeological evidence for Bilbo Baggins.

And on that note (HOBBITS!) the chapter ends.


  1. “Not really,” said Margon. “(The hunger is) always inside us. We feel partial, diminished, spiritually starved if we don’t give in to it, but I would say that is there from the beginning. Indeed, one can get sick of it, and withdraw for long periods, ignoring the voices.” He stopped.

    I suddenly feel hugely better about the reason for my characters' profession being "We're good at it and it's a living." I can't imagine their reaction if someone tried to claim they were fulfilling a spiritual need.
    ...Actually, come to think of it I kind of can and I'm starting to think it might be fun to work that in somewhere. ^_^

    1. A good job is one that does fulfill a deeper need than "I need cash and I'm good at this".

      I'm good at waiting tables. I HATE waiting tables. I like doing artwork, but I'm no good at doing artwork for other people.

      The trick to having a job that fills your spiritual needs is, unless you are with a bunch of like minded individuals, YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT IT IN PUBLIC.

      ...and it shouldn't involve killing random people, because that's not cool. That's ted bundy.

  2. There is so much bad here I don't know where to say WTF!? first. This book is just a relentless slow crawl from one lump of suckage to the next.

    Retire, Anne. Retire.