So I have about ten twitter referrals in my stats this morning. I've been seeing them crop up for the last couple of days but today it fucking exploded.
Which means either I did something good, or have been particularly stupid, or somebody's back yet again, and I am just that much fun as a lolcow. As I can only find one of those twitter links, I'm pretty confident I know who it is.
But I want to make one thing perfectly fucking clear before things continue. Alright? Alright.
I suck at writing.
I know this. This was made abundantly clear to me last year. I do not self publish because I think that the publishing world has somehow missed my wonderful leet skillz. I do it because I know I am just that bad. I don't say this on the blog very often because people go nuts, but I do feel that way. If I thought for even two seconds that I had even a slim slender prayer of making it in trade publishing, I would not have self published.
Those "Why I self published" posts are not about how much trade publishing sucks. They are about me and where my head was at last year, and why even though I sell pathetic amounts of books I am so happy I could squeal. I think trade publishing is awesome, I think that's where every writer should try to go, that they should keep trying until they break, I think agents are awesome, I would still love to have one.
I also think that I don't have a chance in hell of ever getting one.
As I said when I started reviewing LKH's books, John Norman, Hubbard and Laurel K. Hamilton are awful, but they are writing gods compared to me. Their quality of writing is something I need to aspire to and that is not a compliment of them. I flog books because it's fun and my tiny tiny tiny circle of readers like it. I don't do it because I think I'm better then them. I am not. If I were, I would be really published by now.
So if you think pointing out how much I suck is something cool? Yeah, you're basically pointing at an orange and saying "Look at that! It's orange. Do you think it KNOWS it is orange? Let's point that out."
The goddamn orange knows what color it is. I know I suck.
Anyway, stick around. Enjoy reading if you want to. Point and laugh if you don't enjoy. Just...yeah, don't give me more credit than I deserve. I'm an idiot, but even I can read. I get it. The books suck. HARD. That's why I stopped wasting publishing people's time with my nonsense. And that's why all of my readers are awesome awesome people. They're patient enough to put up with me.
Your books are decent reads, dear. And you at least have spelling and grammar down. So you're already a head above a lot of self-published authors. I'm not saying that trade publishing would like your stuff (sometimes I really wonder what they DO want, as half the stuff I see in stores is something I read thirty years ago, seriously) but I think you can do well in self-publishing as long as you keep to your strengths and work on your weaknesses.
ReplyDeleteI like you, I don't find you hard to "put up" with, and I've enjoyed what I've read so far of your work! And while I am not saying your work is perfect nor that I will be enshrining it on the top shelf, I also do *not* pay to read crap - that's what the internet is for after all - and I will cheerfully pay to read more of your stuff. So as far as I'm concerned you're not writing crap.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys.
ReplyDeleteI just try to be realistic. I *Know* what my limitations are. I try to work within them. I don't personally feel I do all that well, but that's, you know, just me.
Thanks for the support.
"I suck at writing."
ReplyDeleteThere's being honest about your skills, and there's being abusive to yourself. I don't know your inner world of course, but this sounds like the latter to me. I admire being realistic, but tearing yourself apart isn't the same. Of course I don't know you in person or anything so you're welcome to tell me to shove it, but I do like you and I do worry.
As for wasting trad publishing's time with your "nonsense" one thing I haven't seen in your Why I Did It posts is whether or not you took Dream Agent's comments to heart beyond absorbing the message that you and your work were without value. For you it's pretty clear that you think self publishing exists for people who suck, and therefore that's where you are. I'd like to gently challenge that if I may:
First, revision and even trunking bad novels is part of becoming a better writer. The book at the time may not have been salvageable but I promise that EVERYONE has at LEAST one of those novels. My god the first novel I wrote was-get this- a self insert Old World of Darkness werewolf book. When I was like sixteen. (Well unless you count the one about the uppity princess that I did when I was like eleven, all written in pen) Yeah. It was BAD. The first NaNovel I did? Trash, more or less. But it got me started.
When it comes to self or small press publishing, it can indeed be the last refuge of hacks and fools. I won't pretend it isn't. But it isn't always the case, either. I mean, look at Fire Baptized. That was hugely popular and it wasn't the same old story either.
Also if you're referencing the ass who is always on you via twitter she's the problem, not you. From what I have gathered reading about her, she's on you because of some kind of social justice crusade. Well as someone who sometimes gets labeled an activist, let me tell you that some people out there appropriate social justice concepts to hide their foul behavior behind. They can call you all manner of names, then gleefully sing out TONE ARGUMENT when you protest being verbally abused. They put forward all kinds of phobic garbage then crow FEMINISM and frolic away in a field of sparkles or something. This isn't nearly as common as people with legitimate social justice concerns, mind you, but it does happen.
If in fact you are being treated that way, don't justify her bs, imho, with "I suck."
I am fairly self abusive, if I'm absolutely honest. I have *issues* with self injury and my loved ones get on my case fairly often.
DeleteThat said, I try to be as realistic as possible. I do not trust my own judgement. It's often wrong. The ONLY thing I have to go by that I can trust as accurate and not something colored by my own bias is how other people react to what I do or say.
The math that it comes down to, for me, is that if my writing were any good it would have been published by someone who wasn't me...and if I were any good as a person the Unnamed Friend (yep, it's her) would have found something else to do several months ago. She wouldn't be doing this if I did not deserve it. Ergo, I do, and there is something severely, severely wrong with me.
I understand the bit about not trusting your own judgement. I tend to feel that way about my emotions.
DeleteI don't want to come across like I'm lecturing you, but the thing about math like yours is that it's really missing some vital numbers. The fact is, Unnamed Friend has her own demons driving her and the ugly truth is predatory people can smell your self hate. There's something wrong with her if she's willing to victimize you. What other people do and say is actually very colored by your bias if you can't attribute the behaviors of others to things that don't have to primarily do with you.
As for the writing I don't know yet, since I haven't picked up your books. (I get paid on Friday though, so I will be grabbing something of yours then) I do know that knocking your own work only has so much value. Being able to evaluate it yes, but tearing it apart no. If you're bad at writing it's okay to be sad about that for awhile. But then, get better.
I've had to do all of this work on myself too, so I'm just sharing what I've learned along the way.
"a self insert Old World of Darkness werewolf book"
DeleteYou did that too? I thought I was the only one!
"She wouldn't be doing this if I did not deserve it."
ReplyDeleteOh honey, that is complete and utter bullshit. I'm going to take this discussion to tumblr though, to deprive any unpleasant watchers from ammunition.