Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Wolf GIft--chapter 39-END

Called Perry. Expect it to do no good, but I called Perry anyway.

Anybody who could ignore what happened at the capitol on Tuesday is going to keep on ignoring it because Reasons.

Incidentally my boss brought up an interesting point on the subject, one that I did not think about. A key point in the bill would require doctors preforming abortions to have admitting privileges in a nearby hospital. She said something like "I'll bet they're trying to corporatize it. Give it to the companies. Make it into big business."

Given that ANYTHING political is a "follow the money" principal, that makes too much sense for me not to bring it up.

Also, and this is TOTALLY unrelated to politics...yeah, I spent the afternoon researching henna, because I found a couple awesome picture of it and I wanted to understand how blue henna can exist. Short answer: It can't. And don't EVER do a photo search for black henna while eating. Or ever allow black henna to come anywhere near your body because HOLY FUCK OW OW OW OW OW.

This has been your daily public service announcement.

THIRDLY: I'd say our two categories are either more Anita Blake, OR the possessed-by-dinosaurs book. We can do the next book in line (I can't be arsed to check at this point) or we can skip ahead to something relatively interesting. I know that "Interesting" and "Anita Blake" are not exactly synonyms at this point, so it's up to you. Next Anita Blake, Random Anita Blake, or the dinosaur book.

Right. So shitty book.

They're still eating the same food from the last chapter. Only now instead of a salad, it's pies.

This reads like the food fight scene in Hook. And we don't get the lovely visuals this time.

Margon tells Ruben and Stuart about the origin of werewolves. And are you ready for this guys? Are you ready? Are you REALLY ready?

Okay. This is where werewolves came from.


“Yes,” said Margon, “there was such a species, an isolated and dying species of primates who were not what we are and they did exist on an isolated island, yes, thousands of years ago off the African coast.”
And how did this power pass from ape-man to man-man, you ask?


“He acquired the power by being severely and repeatedly bitten, but only after he’d been prepared by imbibing the fluids of the species— the urine, the blood— in whatever quantities he could acquire for two years. He had also invited playful bites from the tribe whenever he could. They had befriended him, and he was an outcast from his people— exiled from the only real city in the whole world.”

AND THAT IS NOT THE MOST DISTURBING PART OF THIS SCENE, BLOG-READERS! No, the most disturbing part is immediately before this, where Stuart says "So did we get this power by mating with the apes" and Margon is all like "NO THAT WAS NOT SUCCESSFUL"


And of fucking course it is revealed that Margon is the "he" in the paragraph about drinking monkey urine. Which means he's also the dude that tried to mate with the monkey people. And of course nobody goes "DUDE. WTF" and instead go off thinking about how MARGON IS AN IMMORTAL MAN.

Ruben. You've got a houseful of immortal men. This has already been very well established. Knock it off.

And then we get a long thing about how Margon was thrown out of his home city because he refused to worship the "gods of stone". And I don't know if this is an agnostic/athiestic statement of faith, or an author-screed against pagan/non-Catholic religion. So I'm gonna go with both.

And of course Margon is from THE OLDEST CITY IN THE HISTORY OF THINGS EVER and he was this city's god-king. Because ONLY THE BEST PEOPLE CAN BE IN THIS STORY.

...and yes. He's white.

And then there is a long screed about truth, and how we are taught that lies are necessary, and somehow this has relevance on Stuart's being gay, and it's supposed to be meaningful, and it's not. It's really not.

And then we get an account of the perfect monkey people, who were more perfect than perfect and who knew no sin, and who never ever took advantage of their abilities as werewolves...and who freaking worshipped Margon, a dude they could have eaten in three or four bites, right up until he tells them that their gods don't exist either, and they decide that it's time to kill him because the plot wants to make some kind of point about belief.

And then Margon turns into a wolf and he eats some of the monkey people, and the rest now literally worship him as God.

Oh, and the monkey people are mortal even when they do change, whereas humans who are bitten become immortal. Because...OH LOOK A BUNNY!

Things degrade into a debate about how this power could have evolved and why.

You know, I woke up today, and I did not think "I need a scientific explination for werewolves". I don't think anybody else ever woke up and thought that. But Anne Rice did, and she's giving it to us in GREAT DETAIL.

And then we go off on Pretencious Spiritual Tangent NO. 36587 AKA Transcendent Witnesses and Salvageable Truths, which evolves into a Rapsody on the theme "SCIENCE IS EVIL."

Now we're discussing Childhood Development.

Then they decide to give the Chrism to Laura whenever she's ready. Which won't be this book.

If Laura turns into fucking Bella Swan, the universe will have proved it contains no justice.

End of chapter.

Next chapter, we get a summery of events:

Stuart has a Jaguar. Buffy Longcourt is going to buy a new wardrobe to get over her abusive husband's death. Grace is on a tour of talk shows discussing the Man Wolf, who has dropped off the face of the Earth. Ruben and Stuart avoid the police while Ruben writes more "Rah Rah Wolf" pieces for the paper.

A new random wolf--Frank Vandowhatever--shows up and talks all about the fun he had baiting the cops to Mexico. This is reported in summery because that couldn't possibly be as interesting as the philosophical debate of last chapter.

Meanwhile, Anne Rice murders a simi-colon:

It was impossible to guess the age of any of these men, really, Reuben felt; and it was clearly not polite to ask.

She so doesn't need an editor, guys.

After a few months everybody, including all of Ruben's family, has a real thanksgiving in the house.

There are no reports reguarding wheither or not Laura made a salad. However, we do find out that people played the piano and that Jim was rather mopy.

This happens:

Reuben began to write a book. But it was not an autobiography, or a novel. It was something quite pure and had to do with his own observations, his own deep suspicions that the highest truths a person could discover were rooted in the natural world.

Translation: Ruben is writing a book of pretensious philosophy that will be meaningful to exactly six people, until the seventh hitches it up to Objectivism or something.

Felix basically remodels a local town because he can. Margon and Stuart decide to start living together together.

Laura takes off for a weekend alone, and Ruben and company go to Mexico to kill all the men frequenting a Mexican brothel. Yeah, Hostel is a reality for this book, as long as you're a werewolf. Ruben gets back from Mexico, Laura is not there. So instead he takes a walk, rambles philosophically about Things for several pages, and then throws his arms up in the air and prays:

“Lord, forgive me my blasphemous soul,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “But I thank You with all my heart for the gift of life, for all the blessings You have rained down upon me, for the miracle of life in all its forms— and Lord, I thank You for the Wolf Gift!”

And then a jet engine fell on him. The end.

I wish.

But yep. End of book! Book is done! WE ARE FINALLY DONE.

I have reviewed Mission Earth, Captive of Gor, TWO Anita Blake novels and a book where a woman had hot and heavy sex with a lake. So far, THIS is the worst book I've read.

I'm going to go watch something stupid until I fall asleep. Night, all.


  1. So. Much. Bad. Crap.

    This kind of jumped out at me: "Margon and Stuart decide to start living together together."

    Um, isn't one of them sixteen and the other older than, like, written history? I know of real life relationships that have done just fine despite an age difference, but a few thousand years seems like it might introduce a bit of an experience & power difference, y'know?

    Oh well. It's done. On to the next literary gem!

  2. "It was something quite pure and had to do with his own observations, his own deep suspicions that the highest truths a person could discover were rooted in the natural world."

    Oh for FUCK'S SAKE.
    Look, I'm a practicing ADF Druid and I grew up in the sticks. There were more deer than people and there was not one stoplight in the entire *county* I grew up in. You had to drive at least ten miles for a grocery store and my parents commuted thirty miles one way to work every day because there were simply no jobs any closer than that. My grandparents live on a hundred acres in the middle of six million acres of National Forest. So I know of what I speak, all right?
    Seriously. At all. And I love it deeply and truly and yes, I do feel like the holiest places are out in the wilderness, but if you are out there being stupid Nature will fucking kill you. Sometimes Nature will kill you even when you're being smart, because shit happens.

    1. One of my all time favorite sci-fi series is EXPENDABLE by James Allen Gardner. There is a scene in the last book where the primary cast is about to troop through a primeval jungle, and Festina, the series lead (though, not the VP character for this book) turns to the rest of the cast and says "Everything in this forest wants you dead. Seriously. You're much more valuable to it as fertilizer than you are alive."

      This is also the series that contains a recovering self-harming polyamourous investigator/judge, not one but TWO seriously kick-ass primary characters who are some form of developmentally challenged (one gets better, the other one doesn't give a shit) and an omnipotent headless rhinoceros who I swear to god is fucking Q, and whose primary interaction with the human race is to walk up to somebody who just accidentally killed lots and lots of people through their own stupidity and ask them why they just did that. The highest form of sentient life in this universe are puddles of purple jelly. It's based on the premise that the space military/police of the future realized that exploration=lots and lots of red shirts, so they recruit deformed/developmentally disabled people as the red shirts so that the rest of the crew won't be depressed when the ugly people die. In their slang, dying is "Going Oh Shit" because that's usually the last thing explorers say into the microphone before whatever they stepped on/bumped/jostled/approached with exceeding caution kills them horribly.

      I cannot think of one single irritating thing in the entire series, though I'll admit it's been a few years since I read it. It's REALLY worth reading.

    2. I'll just go and put those on my Amazon wish list!

  3. While I think your reviews of Anita Blake are lol-arious, I would prefer the possessed by dinosaurs book, just because so much suck can't be good for you in the busy season. :-)