Saturday, May 11, 2013

Cerulean Sins--chapter 52

Sales were awesome today. I love all of you. Every single one of you. You all rock. I just wanted to let you know. (Seriously. I refreshed my reports, which I check obsessively because I am that fucking narcissistic, and I was all like "OH MY GOD HALF OF THE NUMBERS JUST MOVED" *does stupid joygasm dance to AWOLNation AKA the Band of the Minute*. YOU ARE THE COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE)

In other news, we have been slow at work. Because it buys me bonus points with le boss and it doesn't require a mopping of the floors, I have been studying the history of the cocktail. My obsession with alcoholic beverages is quickly approaching my obsession with knitting. Did you know that Cocktails were controversial, first for their containing bitters, which for the time was basically like dosing your gin with Nyquil (...which people do to this day, apparently) except that Bitters is water with herbs in it and Nyquil is basically 20 proof with antihystimines as a sleep aid. Oh, and it was what you drank in the morning.

Also: Parfait Armour does not live up to its historical legacy. BLECH.

Right. Shitty book.

Anita wakes up in a pile of warm, naked bodies.

...did I miss a chapter?

No. We go from "The baby vampires gave Belle a guilt trip" to "NAKED PEOPLE IN BED."

There are transitions for the sake of alleviating boredom and then there is RANDOM ORGY.

It involved Nathanial, Micah, Zane, and Cherry.

...I still cannot trust a character in this book named Cherry. This is probably problematic on my part, but every time I read her name I'm all like "REALLY? HER NAME IS CHERRY?"

And then the book takes a turn towards quality.

Not good. Not even quality. But it's like "Oh, hey, remember back when LKH could actually write her way out of a bedsheet? No? Well, here's a reminder!"

The phone rings. Cherry answers. It's Zerbowski, who spends a few paragraphs teasing Anita about her sex life and how she doesn't usually give him that much ammo. There are nine zillion reasons why this is wrong, the biggest being that it isn't actively funny, but it's close enough to quality for you to realize that if LKH had spent the last few chapters actively developing characters and letting the characters interact and build connections, this could have been actively entertaining. Because this used to be what LKH was good at.

We may all hold the obligatory moment of silence. Because when you read this:

“It’s the shape-shifter rapist again.”

And your first impulse is to roll your eyes and sigh? You couldn't save this book with the jaws of life.

HOW. HOW DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING WITH THAT MUCH POTENTIAL AND HAVE IT SUCK? It's like having Superman fight twin clones of Hitler in a post-apocalyptic future  and having it suck. (...which it did.)

Also: asking a cop how they're holding up is against the guy code. THE GUY CODE. Apparently you can't say "This is fucking awful and when we're done I'm going home and crying" because it violates some kind of "code."

Also? If you ever wanted proof LKH doesn't get shit about cop work? It's that little exchange right there. YOU ASK. BECAUSE IT KEEPS YOUR PEOPLE FROM GOING HOME AND KILLING THEMSELVES.

Also: Anita can't find a pencil and paper so she has to write directions to the crime scene on her mirror in lipstick.

Empowered female character. Can't find a pencil. Can find her lipstick.

(Eyeliner pencil. Random receipt crumpled on bottom of purse. If you cannot manage this much, and yet you carry lipstick with you, you have forgotten how to girl.)

 More crime scene fail:

He was dead silent for a minute. “There is no way I could get anyone to agree to letting another shape-shifter near this scene.”


 “I can’t tell the upper brass that our perp doesn’t smell like the local werewolf pack, Anita.

Why not? You'll trust a blood hound to track a victim via her abudctor's car. AND BE IN THE RIGHT, because bloodhounds are awesome. WHY WOULDN'T YOU HAVE A LIASON WITH THE LOCAL PACK? Cops are willing to accept it when MS-13 says "It's not us, man" (...and there's proof to back it up) I could see not doing it back when the leaders were crazier than a rabid 'coon in a bubble bath, but the pack leader is a high school science teacher and his second is Anita.

...wait. Technically, that's a good enough reason.

 The chapter ends with Anita making the connection between the first, crucified victim and the Aryan Terrorist. Because this is absolutely logical.

Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate Hate HATE this book.


  1. Awesome photoset for artists.

  2. In my experience, Cherry is usually a nickname for names like Charlotte, Charlene, etc. Basically any girl name that Charlie could be a nickname for. I actually think its cute myself, though if it were her REAL name and not a cutesy nickname that'd be another matter. We don't know either way because this Cherry just basically vanishes out of the books, along with Zane, most likely because they dared to hook up together and LKH doesn't like writing any couple that Anita is not a part of.

    1. I am so tempted to make a joke about this series losing its Cherry, but that happened a LONG time ago. And it probably wouldn't be approprete.

      IDK, there's something about having a girl with a name/nickname that is slang for virginity in this specific series that just gives me the shuddering creeps. Any other series? Yeah, I'd have no problem. THIS SERIES? I can't pinpoint it on anything except my wild urge to scream "REALLY, LAUREL?" every time she shows up on the page.

      I am positive it is a personal thing.

      ...yeah, because interpersonal interactions can't be developed past how they relate to Anita's va-jay-jay. You know what I'd rather be reading? The story of Dolph, and his son, and his vampire-in-law.

      Maybe the first rule of building a secondary cast is "What would they do if the main character weren't here". If the answer is "be boring" you need to go back to the character sheets and try again.

  3. I believe it's not her real name. Wasn't she a prostitute under Gabriel?

    There are many other stories in these books I'd rather be reading. But those would require plots & character building.