Edit: This page was part of a massive cluster fuck on my part. To see how I reacted to the cluster fuck, please visit this page
I figure I need to get this off my chest. It's been on my mind for a while, and since things today have reminded me of it, I want to get it out there. If you hate me for it, fine. If not...you are a better person than I.
Three things happened when I was eighteen: I started a webcomic called Blue Skunk, now on permanent hiatus, my parents split up, and I began having issues with self injury. The latter two did not blend well. The comic, though, became my outlet. Not because of the comic itself, but because of the webcomic community: Keenspace/Comic Genesis forums.
And one day while I was on there I said a horrible thing.
I was raised borderline fundie, and one of the things I was told over and over was that it was Wrong To Be Gay. Somehow, while on the webcomic forums, gayness was never a subject that came up, so I never had to really look at what my beliefs towards homosexuality really were. I had never met an openly homosexual person, and by the time I had the webcomic I was desperate to please my family. I thought if I made everybody in my family happy, it would stay together. Then I thought if I made them all happy, I could make them get back together. I was more than a little fucked up at the time.
And then I said the horrible thing. I don't remember why I said it, only that it involved publishers. It was something along the lines of "I wouldn't want to work with someone who published GLBT material."
The rest of the thought, which I did not write, was "Because then my parents would see my work sitting beside work they don't agree with, and they would think of me as an even more horrible, terrible person, and I have to conform to what they think, otherwise they won't love me."
Everyone (correctly) promptly blew their shit at me. They were right to. I needed to have shit blown at me for saying that.
I am now deeply ashamed that I held that point of view. I do not anymore. Part of the reason why I don't is because everybody lost thier shit at me. It made me think about what my views really were. I discovered I didn't have any. I was parrotting what my parents said because I wanted their approval. I needed to get my own views before I could say anything else.
And my views are now...exactly the opposite of what they were then. There's nothing wrong with being gay, or straight, or transsexual, or asexual. You are who you are who you are, and you have to deal with your life the best you can. I don't get to know what your story is. I don't get to pass judgement on you, unless I'm willing to be judged in the same light.
I'd say "I'd go back in time and undo that moment, if I could", but I wouldn't. Because if I hadn't said that horrible thing, I would still be a horrible person. I would still be biased against a group of people who hadn't done anything to me, who have every right to be happy, to live how they want, love how they want, and worship how they want. If I had not been confronted with my own awful views, I would still hold them. And I do not any more.
This is not something I will ever be proud of. I said a horrible thing, I learned a valuable lesson, and I respect you guys enough not to continue shoving my horrible, terrible former self under the rug.
And don't tell me it's good to learn from my mistakes. I shouldn't have held those views in the first place.