Wednesday, December 19, 2012

State of the CW

So. Today was a cluster fuck, wasn't it?

Not just me getting called on my shit, of course. I have to assume I deserved that. In fact, I have to assume that I am a terrible, horrible human being without hope of redemption to deserve what's happened in the last twenty four hours. Otherwise, it's the other people who are the terrible people. And I won't accept that. The only person whose behavior I can change is me. If I am not responsible for the way I am treated by other people, then I have no control over my life whatsoever.

And I refuse to accept that.

So. I am a terrible person. Well, I knew I was a terrible writer already, so it's not that big a jump to make. It's sad. It hurts. It's going to take a while for me to really internalize what a horrible human being I am. But I will do it. Because that, my friends, is the first step to becoming a better human being. Accepting my failings.

I used the word Bitch, and applied it to someone who wasn't me.

I am not going to give up that word, loyal blog readers. I am  a bitch. I like being  a bitch. I actively enjoy being a foul-mouthed, more than slightly offensive person. But I am going to make you a promise. I will stop applying that word to other people.

In short. I get to be a bitch, but you don't get to be. Not ever. It's my word, boys and girls. It's something that I own. It might be a baggage ridden garbage word to you, but to me, it is a declaration of a type of personhood. I am a bitch. I do not take any shit from you, or from anyone else. I am a terrible person. I will accept this, and endevor to change those parts of me that might damage other people, but my core, my loyal blog readers, my core will remain the same. In short:

However, it is hard for me to be funny without being offensive. And that is important. Because this is a humor based blog. Actually, this is a blog intended to promote my books, but that hasn't worked for the last few weeks anyway. So this is a humor based blog. And it is hard for me to avoid those heavily charged, ugly trigger words, because those words are a short-hand for what I really mean.

In a way, that's why those words are wrong. I use the word "hooker" and what I really mean is "woman who is dressed to advertise her sexuality as easily avaliable". This is an offensive word to sex workers. I promise not to use it anymore. I can't promise to understand why, but then I'm a bitch. I'm a horrible human being. You can't expect an overnight change all at once.

Bitch, though, that's a harder one. In retrospect, it is short hand for "horrible waste of human skin who also has a vagina." And that's why that word is wrong. Except in my case, because I've already established that I'm a bitch. Anyway, it isn't right to use a gendered word as short hand for "horrible waste of human skin". If a person is a waste of their basic building blocks, and if you say these people do not exist I will slap you, I have met them in person, then we should state what they are: A traitor to their very DNA. The reason why we began handing out Darwin Awards. The last person on earth who should procreate.

When applied to fiction, this indicates a morally offensive character. A creation that exists only as a mouthpiece for the author's own objectionable views. In Anita Blake's case, a character that says that rape is okay, as long as the rapee orgasms afterwards. Apparently, by calling her a bitch for defending her own rapist against someone genuinely concerned for her wellfare, I distracted everybody from the true point: That this behavior is unhealthy and not anywhere near safe for the female involved.

And this is why I will not use that word anymore. Except when applied to me. Because I am a bitch.

I will not use that word anymore because it distracts people from my true point. I will not use this word anymore because it confuses the issue. I don't understand the baggage attached to it, and until I do get it, which will be a while (given that I'm a bitch) I'll ignore it. It's more important to me to get the point of whatever I'm saying across than it is to stand up for free speech or what-the-fuck ever.

But it will be hard to give up the word. I like it. It's effective shorthand. When used properly, it's very funny. So I am enlisting help.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Robot Cyborg Susan B. Anthony. She has agreed to correct me every time I start using trigger words on the blog. She'll do it this way:

It'll be effective. I will learn not to use bad words. And most importantly, I will still be funny.

However, Robot Cyborg Susan B. Anthony is from the eighteen hundreds. She does not know all the nasty words that we are not supposed to use these days. I think I know most of them, but obviously I do not know all of them. So please. Correct me when I fuck up, and I will add the words that shall not be used again, ever, to Robot Cyborg Susan B. Anthony's programming. And I learn how not to trigger other people into conniptions, like what happened today.

Remember this. It is the plan.


  1. Okay, that's a huge wall of text. Unfortunately I'm swamped at work and don't have time to respond to it in full. At this point I'll just point out that the entire first paragraph is based on a lot of deeply faulty assumptions that lead to some bad conclusions.

    Despite what the trolls tell you, you are not a bad person.

  2. No. if it takes this much bullshit for me to stop bad behavior then I am a bad person. If people react to me like this, I must suck. Otherwise, they wouldn't do this.

    But I do want to change and I do wqnt to be better and I do have to make it funny. And it is time we forgot about. This and moved on.

    1. Yeah,that shit right there? All that self-blame and "you should have known better" and "good girls don't ever make other people unhappy even by accident"? That's your father talking.

      Healthy people don't place all moral responsibility for other people's reactions on their own shoulders.

      Anyway, if you want to move on I'll let it rest.

  3. The only person whose behavior I can change is me.

    I have two alternatives. I can either identify the people hanging around here as abusers, tell them to shut the fuck up, get off my blog and grow up


    I can accept that it is all my fault, I deserve every bit of what they are saying and doing to me, and alter my behavior so this never ever happens again.

    Only one of these options will give me any peace back, and it isn't the first one.

  4. OR

    You can identify abusers and trolls as people you don't want around you, and tell them to get off your blog and stop bothering you


    You can accept that sometimes you will screw up without malice, and the thing to do is to apologize for what harm you may have done and try to learn from it, without blaming yourself for being a fundamentally bad person.

    And with regards to the first point - If I've said things that have caused you harm then A) I truly apologize, and B) Yes, please call me out for that.