Danse Macabre--chapter 46

Just to put you guys into the right frame of mood, I'm going to show you what LKH only wishes she were writing about:



This is the Alonzo King "Lines" Ballet company. I know approximatly NOTHING about them, other than that they have the most AWESOME PEOPLE IN EXISTANCE in their company. I have been drooling over the photographs of thier dancers for well over a year now because LOOK AT THAT ANATOMY:

This is my favorite picture of anything ,ever. I want to be this. Exactly this.

AND IT GOES ON FOR PAGES. PAGE. AFTER PAGE. AFTER PAGE. OF HUMANS DOING INCREDIBLE THINGS WITH THEIR BODIES. It surpasses sex, IMHO. It is just awesome.

LKH's job is to convince me that the dance-piers can out-preform the Lines Ballet. They need to out amaze that picture right there.

• 
  
• THE BLOND FLUNG himself over our heads, and out into the air. The air was full of vampires. They had flown up and over the audience, and in that instant the vampire let them go. He released his hold on the audience and they were left gasping, shrieking. Not at the fact that their minds had been messed about with, because they didn’t know that, but at the vampires suddenly appearing above them like magic.

OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE PAINFUL.

SERIOUSLY, LAURELL? SERIOUSLY? You want me to be impressed by a ballet company using vampire slight of hand instead of dancing? I want dancing vampires. I want vampires who can do that picture up there. I do not want David Copper-vamp trying to trick me into being awed. Ballet is a very difficult, very demanding, very very fucking gorgeous disapline. It's this:



OR BETTER YET, THIS:



NOT THIS:



YOU DO NOT GET TO USE VAMPIRE MIND-TRICKS TO GET OUT OF ACTUAL BALLET.

The vampires danced on the air, at least a dozen of them. They defied gravity, and made it look effortless. It was beautiful, but I couldn’t enjoy it. I was too scared.

Describe the dance. Please. Please. I am begging you. DESCRIBE THE FUCKING DANCE. Give us wrists and ankles at first position, or the weightless lifts of a pas de deux, or at least one fucking grande jete to get our blood flowing. PLEASE. GIVE US ONE FUCKING REAL BALLET MOVEMENT. I AM BEGGING YOU.

Other vampires flew low over the crowd, and they blew kisses at other women and other men. There were three or four women among them. It was sort of the reverse of most ballet companies, where there seemed to be more women than men.

...you're turning ballet into fucking gender politics.

Oh for FUCK'S SAKE, the dance troupe's leader (NOT, mind, it's Premier danseur. You'd think with the hard on LKH has for french she could get the fucking titles in a fucking ballet troupe right) is named MERLIN. FUCKING MERLIN.

GEE> I WONDER WHO WE"RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIGHT.

ALSO: THERE IS DANCING GOING ON OVER ON STAGE RIGHT. CAN WE AT LEAST LOOK AT THE DANCING? What's the ballet? Is it Swan Lake? Rite of Spring? Peter and the Wolf? GIVE ME SOMETHING TO HANG ON TO AND PROVE THAT YOU DID THREE SECONDS OF RESEARCH ON BALLET PLEASE.

Instead, we're focusing on the metaphysical sex going on between Anita, Auggie and Jean Claude, becuase who would be more interested in ballet? (ME. LAUREL. ME. I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE SEX. I WANNA SEE TOE SHOES AND MEN IN TIGHTS.)

Vampires are allowed group hypnotism, because group mind tricks aren’t permanent.

WHO IN THEIR MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT MIND WOULD LET THAT FLY?

Seriously. In a universe with Jim Jones, David Koresh and Warren Jeffs, you seriously want to give a fucking vampire carte blanche to hypnotize an entire crowd? THINK ABOUT IT. Have you thought about it? THEN THE ANSWER IS NO. NO. NO YOU WOULD NOT GIVE VAMPIRES THAT KIND OF POWER. Jesus Christ, all you'd have to do is say "It is only Kool-aid" and you've got mass trageties on your hand. BESIDES. YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THE BIBLE BELT KEEPS VAMPIRES FROM FEEDING IN PUBLIC BUT DOESN'T BOTHER WITH MASS HYPNOSIS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

Anyhoo, Merlin attacks Anita with birds. So nice that we got him with no warning or intro whatso ever and instead focused on forty chapters of rape. Anita repels the birds and draws on the powers of Obsidian Butterfly, the mayan vampire who pretty much served as a power-boost for Anita and fuck-all else. This causes her to drop her sheilds.

It felt as if my body were a cave, a fleshy, soft cave, and the birds that I had heard and felt poured inside me, as if they’d found a home.

...that is the most disgusting metaphore ever written by a human. CAN YOU GET MORE PHALLIC THAN THAT?

Anita swallows all of Merlin's birds with her metaphysical cave (I am going to pretend like hell that it is NOT her va-jay-jay. I advise you all to do the same) and the MOAD pokes her head in to call Anita hers, and then the chapter ends.

I'm going to go watch youtube videos of awesome dancers. You are welcome to join me.