Saturday, January 26, 2013

Narcissus in Chains chapter 58+59

Anita wakes up naked outside of the hot tub covered in cold towels. Sorry, guys. No surprise penis this time. Though really, at this point I think the only reason why there isn't is because we are on "page" 379 of a 422 "page" ebook, and sex uses up what little room we have left.

Anita still has her arm around Damian. Asher and Nathanial are trying to cool Anita down.

Hey, folks! Fun fact: being unconsious is not a cool trope. It's an actual medical condition that is dangerous. There is a reason why anesthesologists make good money; drugs are bad, and the difference between "hey, I'm still kind of awake for this" and dead is really, really thin. If you get hit in the head and you're out cold, it is because your brain has been hurt, and the longer you're out the more severe it probably is. If it's more than five minutes, you have brain damage. If it's more than fifteen, congradulations, you have probably forgotten how to talk.

I passed out from heat exhaustion once. It was hot, I was wearing sweat pants in a garage for a tai-kwon-do lesson that was less "lesson" and more "boot camp" and I hadn't eaten properly. I leaned over to get water and woke up on the floor with my head between my knees. I was out for maybe a couple seconds. My parents made me go into the house and sit on the couch with ice on my neck. I got watermelon. Everybody else had to keep on kicking the damn bag.

The point? If you are unconsious due to heat, it is because your brain is cooking. It is a medical condition. It is not something that should be left to two psychotic vampires and the wereleopard that vacuums with pearls on. And if you're out long enough to be declothed and wrapped in slightly cool towels, you should also be in an ambulance on the way to a doctor supervised ice bath. Anita is INCREDIBLY lucky that she is not dead or in convulsions right now.

Hey, have LKH's descriptive powers suddenly improved?

 His eyes were clear, bright, alive again. His eyes were the color of emeralds, and it wasn’t caused by vampire powers, it was his natural eye color, as if his mother had fooled around with a cat to get him here. People just didn’t have that color of eyes.

God. Random bestiality just to describe someone's eye color. Jesus Christ, Laurel. It doesn't all have to be sex.

Damian says he knows Anita is his master. Anita goes off on a long ramble about how she doesn't think she could be a good ruler, and how she couldn't go quietly into that good night of servitude, and Damian is all calm and greatful and like "Thank you for mind-raping me into serving you in the first place" and he kisses her and then the chapter ends.

Guys, I'm not doubling up because I want to be done with this book. I mean, I DO want to be done with this book but running The Host at the same time almost makes it okay. I'm doubling up because nothing is fucking happening in these chapters. 

Anyway. Next chapter. The end game.

Micah calls. Apparently Anita left Cherry and Zane in his care and he's letting her know they'll be fine. Uh huh. Let's leave two characters this book has established as weaker beings in the care of your rapist, Anita. I'm sure this is going to end well. Anita is unnerved because she's "sleeping" with somebody she doesn't love. Right. Everything about your relationship with the shithead is totally consensual.

Gag me.

And then Anita goes to bed in the tiniest, most revealing nightclothes she has, because they're cool. Okay, fine, whatever. It's really hard for me not to critize how you dress, Anita, when you spend so much time both describing the most revealing outfits humanly possible and reassuring us that it's not actually revealing because you are just so short.

And then the phone rings.

 When this book began Anita was wearing something insanely tiny and it was late at night and there was a random phone call from the club Narcissus in Chains demanding Anita come rescue Nathanial.

At the halfway point, Anita had to go rescue Gregory

At the three-fourths mark, Anita had to go rescue Damian.

This time Anita is in bed wearing something insanely tiny, and it is late at night, and there is a random phone call from the club Narcissus in Chains demanding Anita come rescue the missing Alphas. YES. WE ARE DOING THIS AGAIN FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME.

Anita talks to Narcissus's bodyguard, Ulysses, for a while. And it's just like the conversation with Gregory--inane and banal until you realize that somebody's got a gun to his head...or in Ulysses's case, to his lover's head. Anita hangs up the phone, puts her guns on, and heads out with her posse to go do the same damn thing she's done through this whole book.

Which I hate. Passionately.

Next chapter(s): We find out what kind of book we COULD have been reading, if LKH had not totally utterly and completely lost her fucking mind.


  1. "Oh right, the kidnapped alphas. Remember the kidnapped alphas? I have to go rescue the kidnapped alphas.

    "But first, let me tell you all about my skimpy lingerie."

    1. I like to think the phone call was like this:
      "Uh... Anita? Remember that thing we told you about? The Alphas? Are you ever going to get to that?"

      "Oh, you had to call just now, didn't you? Just when I put on my slinky, black as a starless night nightgown that has a slit way up to my upper thigh, made from the sheerest silk that's as smooth as a man's penis so that my erect nipples are just visible underneath."

      "Ah, sorry? But the Alphas..."

      "BUT THE NIGHTGOWN ISN'T SLUTTY. It's just so warm out, and I nearly DIED from heat exhaustion until my sweeties wrapped ice cold blankets around me to substitute for their arms."

      "... So the Alphas...."

  2. Things I did not know before but know now: Barnes & Noble requires a US billing address, because money is only money if it comes from Americans I guess.


    Oh legacy retailers why do you make it so hard to give you my money?