Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Narcissus in Chains chapter 51

There are a great many things I probably don't know about vampire cannon. Everything I know about vamps comes from Dracula, Frank Saberhagen's Drac fan fics, and my visceral reaction to Twilight.

I am still pretty confident that vampires cannot bleed to death.

JEAN -CLAUDE HALF FELL , half moved off of Micah. Blood sprayed in a red rain as he knelt on all fours, coughing, as if he were trying to clear his throat. It made the blood pump faster.
He's a vampire. He can probably heal it on his own as long as you stick something alive in front of him.

Ah, but it's an excuse for Anita and Richard and Jean Claude to open the marks between them while Micah screams "Nooo!" in the background. Not "No" boys and girls. "Nooo". It rhymes with "moo." It also works like this:

And then Jean Claude heals himself. Anita is amazed that the blood on his neck hasn't had time to dry. Folks, if you are bleeding from a vital artery and it takes until the blood dries for you to heal, you are probably the future past president of the Being Alive Club.

Then Anita smells roses and metaphysical...things...involving Belle Morte happen.

There is one thing that Laurel K. Hamilton fails at harder than writing sex scenes, and that's writing about magic or psychic phenominon. It's probably why the sex sucks as much as it does; they usually turn into these magic...things...that make about as much sense as The Room did. Apparently Bella Morte posessed Jean Claude and forced him to lose control of the ardeur and attack Micah.

The bodyguards stick their heads in the room and ask if the blood is Anita. Anita says no, so they shrug and say they won't leave her alone again. Nice.

Asher and Jean Claude discuss things, and figure out that Belle Morte wanted to destroy Jean Claude. Micah and Jean Claude talk about how ripping each other's throats out was totally justified, and that everything is okay and that they're kind of best buds. Anita reacts pretty much the same way I do, except I have a feeling she will eventually agree with them that this tit-for-tat shit is totally okay.

Anita says this:

“Jesus, only men could get a friendship out of something like this.”
Misandry is no cooler than misogyny, folks. There is no justification for either attitude. Ever.

Jean Claude says that Anita became friends with Edward after he tried to kill her, and Anita is all like "it's different".

I am trying really hard not to be totally creeped out by this, and I am failing badly. THIS IS NOT GOOD BEHAVIOR. FOR ANYTHING.

And then Anita says "kiss and make up" and then Jean Claude and Micah give each other a meaningful look and she's all like "I'M KIDDING I'M KIDDING," and I think that Anita does not understand WTF "Bi" actually means. It does not mean two men for one woman, folks.

Micah offers to let Jean Claude feed from him again, though this time he demands the bite be foreplay. At some point he shifted into half-leopard form, so he shifts back and somebody unidentified gasps at Micah's godly beauty. This is getting rubbed in a little much. Jean Claude is even so moved by Micah that he has to go take a bath first, because:

“Would I touch that for the first time covered in this?”
A couple promises of quick baths later, the chapter ends.

Folks, there are 422 "pages" in this e-book and I am on page 356. I do not know where the fuck we're going or how long it is going to rescue Anita Male Friend Number Three from Romantic Interest Number Two, but I do know that is not enough book for something awesome to develop. I don't know if I want this to be longer or shorter.

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