Friday, March 13, 2015

Stroke of Midnight--chapter 28-30

This chapter opens with Kitto.

No, no, all he does is draw a bath. And...uh...

He had begun to anticipate my needs, not as a lover or a friend but as a good servant.

Unobtrusive, quiet, just there when needed. No friend or lover had ever been unobtrusive. Messy, joyous, heartbreaking, wonderful, but never unobtrusive.

Guys, if the best compliment you can give somebody is He makes me feel like he's not even there 1. he'd better be a fucking waiter and 2. you'd better give him a tip larger than your hourly wage because being perfectly unobtrusive is humiliating as hell.

Seriously, you're making the not-a-twelve-year-old character turn into Merry's fucking Lady of the Chamber here? No. No, no sorry, this is not cool.

Merry pets Kitto.

He's only wearing a thong.

This is going downhill fast, isn't it?

Merry finally gets in the tub and wonders why Galen's blood is still clinging to her skin. Probably because you've screwed around for a couple hours since he got shot, and it's clotted and half dry. Because, you know, THAT'S WHAT BLOOD DOES. 

Merry then remembers how it felt to see Galen shot. The word Blood, incidentally, no longer looks like a word.

They discuss fairy politics with about as much pizzaz as the talking heads on Fox News. Merry attempts a half-assed commentary on racism and beauty standards that doesn't really hold water because, you know, the beauty of an octopus-legged fae being unappreciated isn't something people usually deal with. Kitto then explains that the plan for his future was for the goblins to eat him. 

Galen and Kitto snuggle.

I long and pray for brain bleach because, remember, Kitto looks twelve. 

Next chapter: Galen, Merry and Kitto have sex.

While they make out, they discuss how dangerous Merry's next set of lovers (The goblin twins, which would make an awesome band name) will be. Which I can't pay attention to because AGAIN, Kitto looks twelve. 

The ONLY good news is that LKH, via Kitto correcting Merry, acknowledges the concept of female-on-male rape as a thing that happens. I would have Tina Fey high five a million angels here but AGAIN, KITTO LOOKS TWELVE. 

Seriously. Your ability to take the moral high ground ends when you're talking about a twelve-year-old look-alike having relations with an adult look-alike. IT IS SO FUCKING AWFUL FUCKING WRONG WRONG WRONG GOD WHY IS THIS HERE.

Merry informs us all, for the ten thousandth time, that she likes oral sex. Between this, and how Nicca (our OTHER token brown person who has just been kicked out of the harem) is described as "Chocolate colored goodness" and his wings as "spun sugar fantasy" I begin to wonder just how high these oral fixations go. (Author: EAT FIRST THEN WRITE)

LKH then makes sure that we ALL know that Christianity spoiled polyamorous sex for everybody.

Yeah, but the pagans fed us to lions and used us like tiki torches. See, I can play that game too!

(Note: Christians did lots of horrible things, but "ruined poly" needs to go really on low down the list)

The Goddess makes an appearance. So now we have a five way between Merry, Galen, Nicca, Kitto and a fucking deity.

The legal definition of an orgy is five people in a closed room without shoes. I'm not sure how we'd check the Deity's footwear though, so I think they're still good. Also: apparently fertility is directly tied to how many people you are screwing.

Guys, my parents had such severe fertility issues I should not exist. Dismissing baby-making problems as "you're not fucking enough" is just...damn, I already used "Nuke the Site from Orbit," didn't I?

The rest of chapter 30 is a deity driven infomercial for poly.

1 comment:

  1. Merry pets Kitto.

    He's only wearing a thong.

    This is going downhill fast, isn't it?

    I don't think there's any down left. This thing is just a strip mine of fail.


    That is one of the annoying quirks of LKH's writing. Everything is a 'flavor'; not type, kind, breed, or anything else. The world is not Baskin-Robins.