Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Dear Universe

Thank you very much for the multiple gifts sent my way these past few days. LOSING MY CELL PHONE has been a lovely adventure, I never knew trash bins could store so much. Also walking in the tropical storm because our parental unit is in Tulsa is an invigorating experience. Perhaps when you return our cell phone you could also send the umbrella back with it?

However, not to complain about the gift-giving you have preformed, and not to imply that I am not grateful for the new bakery trainee, but if one must provide a "new person" who is old enough to be my mother, could she at least have learned the value of LISTENING TO DIRECTIONS? I get that we only get three days together, Universe, and that it was quite important for her to get these things on her own, but my god I have never seen anybody work so hard and accomplish so little. She is going to quit by Sunday, I swear to God.

ALSO, the woman who almost ran me over because she was fucking with her GPS as she pulled out of the parking lot? AND NEVER LOOKED UP AT ALL EVEN AT ONCE? I do not wish her death, or even serious bodily injury, but can she please total that fucking red BMW? Jesus Christ people PEDESTRIANS HAVE THE RIGHT-OF-WAY, LOOK UP FROM YOUR ELECTRONIC DEVICES OR BETTER YET TURN THE FUCKERS OFF YOU CAN DRIVE BETTER WITHOUT THEM THANK YOU.

(And the cool, totally top-secret thing that happened yesterday? That's a God thing, not a Universe thing. So thank you God. :D)


  1. Serious question - If you've lost your cell, who is clearing your messages? I've called a few times and your mailbox was full, but called back later and been able to leave a message.

    "my god I have never seen anybody work so hard and accomplish so little."

    Some people have an amazing capacity to create work for themselves. I don't mind these people. It's the ones with the amazing capacity to create work for other people that I mind.

  2. I don't know. I told Dad, as he + stepmom are the actual acountees (what DO you call the people who pay the bills?) and any replacement phones or holds on the number or anything like that is something they have to do.

    The problem with Trainee is that if she screws up, it's my fault for not training her right (this does not come from The Boss. This comes from Woman who Wants To Be Boss) What makes me CLENCH MY TEETH IN RAGE is after the first night, every time I tried to explain something (IE when using the glazer either change or rinse your gloves between screens so you don't get glaze all over EVERYTHING. This is advisable because you CANNOT get glaze in the fryer. EVER. IT DOES NOT COME BACK OUT. NEVER HANDLE ANYTHING THAT GOES IN THE GREASE AFTER HANDLING THE GLAZE WITHOUT FIRST MAKING SURE YOUR HANDS ARE CLEAN) she would say "uh huh, uh huh, bye-bye" and keep right on trucking. And it's not sticking. There are a million little cracks and crevasses that you have to clean before you can leave at night, you have to filter the fryer lard, and she is not remembering to do any of this. And I just KNOW the first question out of She Who Would Be Boss's mouth will be "why didn't you teach her about X?"

    "I did"

    "Well, she's not doing it."

    I know. I noticed about the eighth time I fished doughnuts with caramelized glaze spots out of the fryer. I CANNOT TEACH THOSE WHO WOULD RATHER NOT LISTEN.


    The problem here is, she's my mom's age and she used to do this stuff twenty years ago, so she's rushing along, trying to prove that she can do this, rather than taking the time to learn what I can teach her.

    God help her, her first night "alone" will be with She Who Would Be Boss there as adviser. So every ten seconds SWWBB will stop her and offer advice, and Trainee will nod and keep right on going, and the rest of the department will come in to a big red grease smear by morning.

  3. SWWBB doesn't have much of a knack for making friends. I wonder if she realizes how miserable the people she's already blaming for her screw-ups* can make a boss's life.

    * Yes, if you're the boss then training problems are your fault.

    As for the phone, it might just be an auto-delete thing clearing out messages older than X days. But if you can access your account at all I'd suggest changing your passcode.

    "what DO you call the people who pay the bills?"