Mission Earth One AND DONE

You know you just have those days when the very LAST thing you want to do is look at garbage? Yeah, this weekend was kind of shot for me. Anyhoo...

...right. back to the garbage. And actually, it's not gonna be much of a review. 'Cause this book and this reviewer have both run out of steam.

So Soltan wastes a little time making sure that he can hear/see everything that Jet hears/sees via the bugs he had surgically implanted into Jet-boy. And I have decided that Jettero Heller is, no shit? The best spy ever. Because there is no way anybody on any planet could be that much boyscout and yet still manage to fuck with our delightful emo narrator quite so much.

Then he goes to meet with his boss, where he is given:

1. enough info to make his boss disappear for good, thus saving everybody from the next nine terrible books. Sadly, Soltan does not do this.

and

2. a bottle of meth. Which Soltan does most emphatically do.

See, he's tired and in dread of the party and stressed out because HOLY SHIT, SECRET MISSION GOING AWAY PARTY GOING ON THE NEWS, so he does half a tab of meth.

Having never done any amphetimine at all.

And you know that scene in Transformers 2 (I only read about this. I know better than to watch most Micheal Bay movies) where the Beef's mom eats a pot brownie? That's the end of the book. Only with fireworks and camera crews and Jet naming his tug boat Prince Calcasia after his racist fairy tale, and that's the end of the story.

And it's time for me to make a confession: I don't get these books at all.

Seriously. I don't. Half the time I am positive that we have an unreliable narrator, that Soltan is the embodiment of every aspect of humanity that Hubbard hates, thus making his misogyny, homophobia and racism a commentary on the negative power of the human race, and if this were true I'd have to say these books are, no shit, brilliant and almost beautiful. And then he fucks it up, and I consider that maybe he's dead serious in all this nonsense, except that Soltan is the villian of this series, not the hero, and it wouldn't make sense to have your bad guy agree with you.

But I knew Hubbard had to have a point with all this. I knew that he couldn't just be pulling random shit out of his ass and throwing it at a typewriter. He's a major religious leader. He's writing these books to edify mankind, right? There's a point to this beyond evil-murder-evil-evil psychology and racism and random homophobic slurs? right?

Then we get to Earth and every female name is a joke. There is a mob boss named "Babe Corleone", a prostitute name Harlotta and Soltan gets a dancing girl named Utanc, which I thought was a sane name until I unscrambled the letter and got "a cunt" out of it, which pretty much describes Utanc.

But weirdly, I still had some kind of faith in Hubbard as a writer. Because even Twilight had something at its core. Something Mormon, but something. Even Fifty Shades of Gray  (Yes. I read it. No. I'm not doing it on the blog) had a heart, mind and soul to build the porn around. And Hubbard had things that neither S. Meyer nor E.L. James had (other than a common story, because 50=fanfic) like a sense of plot and timing and when to make things happen so we're not CAMPING IN THE FUCKING WOODS AGAIN (sorry. Old Harry Potter scars)
 
And then in the fifth book (yes. I've read that far.) Hubbard gives Soltan a ten inch penis.

And has him rape two lesbians into straightness with it. While Jet boy is winning out every casino in Atlantic city and snogging out with a smuggled in Countess Krak. 

 Also? He states that homosexuality is "Psychiatric Birth Control" because gay people don't make babies. Got that guys? Gay people don't make babies. 

Right?

 So at this point, I think he was just writing books, and he legitimately thought throwing all that shit at the reader was a good plan. That it was entertaining, that everyone agreed with him, that rape could work as a comedic device (this is a thing in these books) that plot threads could dangle unresolved (I have NO PLANS on reading further, so as far as I'm concerned all the threads in the universe are dangling in the abyss that is Jettero Heller) and that screaming PSYCHIATRY at the reader would make the villians look like A Thing and not A WIMP.

All that said, Mission Earth: The Invaders Plan is not the worst book I've ever read, or the worst PUBLISHED book I've ever read...hell. It's not even the worst book in the series. And even if you take the whole series as one book, It's not even the worst Hubbard book I've ever read. What is?

Taken from here

In his defense, the movie is much, much better.

And stay tuned boys and girls, because we start Captive of Gor NEXT WEEK. Is it worse? Oh god, yes. Is it better written? Oh, God, yes! WILL WE HAVE FUN? I think so, my children. I really think so.

Also, do not forget the "review my books" CONTEST that is still going on, and last but CERTAINLY not least, Blue Ghosts comes out first week in October, so BE HERE WHEN IT DOES.

Peace. Out.

Book Bitch Mission Earth END PART ONE

Okay, I'm going to blow through the rest of this book in two big chunks. But first...BUSINESS, boys and girls. BUSINESS.

ITEM THE FIRST: CONTEST! Yes, this is still going until October first. PLEASE guys. I know at least SOME of you have either purchased/...you know, I just realized there is no match word for "getting something for free"...anyway, SOME of you have either read one of my little books because it's ALL I TALK ABOUT on the blog, or you're here because I've been giving books away on Amazon (Um, yeah. I've given away over three hundred copies of things in the last five days) and you want to know who I am. ANYWAY! REVIEW MY BOOK AND WIN AN ART POSTER! OF ART! YES! I do not expect there to be more than ten entries (Okay, I expect there to be ONE entry, maybe, and you know who you are). If there are more than ten entries I will do something so that everybody gets a thing anyway. It'll probably be a wallpaper of something. Maybe even non-book related art. Because my jaw, boys and girls, my jaw will be on the FLOOR if there are more than ten entries.

ENTER THE CONTEST! REVIEW ONE OF MY DUMB LITTLE BOOKS! INSULT IT IF YOU HAVE TO! JUST PUT SOMETHING THERE PLEASE FOR MY SANITY'S SAKE!

Okay, got that out of the way.

ITEM THE SECOND: The Next Book I Bitch. Right now I have a vote for Captive of Gor. Let me remind you that this is the book John Norman wrote from the female perspective. Which means we will most likely be doing that one, as it has been sitting on my harddrive FOR MONTHS, along with copious copious notes on the fail that is the Gor series.

But there are still other options! There is still time to turn the tide if you do not want to drown in a myre of mysogyny and purple prose! Remember, these are the options:

1. Captive of Gor
2. City of Bones, by Cassandra Clare
3. Eternal Prey, Nina Bangs (Yes, indeed it is a blissful vacation of stupid)
4. Mission Earth: Black Genesis. By the way? My love of teh stupid has me reading the third book because it is there and I am frequently bored. I got to a point where I literally shouted "What the FUCK am I reading?" in the living room. My stepfather gave me a very bizzare look.

VOTE, my loyal blog readers! Vote!

ITEM! THE! THIRD!: You know what would really make my day, loyal blog-readers? More than reviews on my books or votes for the next book I tear into? Comments. Talk to me, sports fans. I'm all ears. Make comments. It will put me on the MOON, guys and girls. the very MOON.

And last, but not least:

THE END OF MISSION EARTH! PART ONE!

Oh, god this is going to suck.  Where were we?

Right about... Here. The drug macguffins. So after revealing the dastardly dastardly plan of the dastards (I just managed to make that stop looking like a word) in the dastardly CIA, Soltan Gris commits random murder of side character we never really gave a fuck about. Right. He then picks up the bug he's going to have *snicker* Prahd Bittlestiffender (WHO WILL BE IN THE THIRD BOOK TOO! YAY!) implant into Jettero Heller. And then he murders the clerk who gives him the bug. And crashes an air car into a hospital because bugs, I guess. I don't know. It's great that our narrator finally grew a spine after five hundred pages, but it is a murder spine, and after the first three that kind of gets a little boring.

Then he checks in on Prahd and the Widow Tayl.

They're having post-surgery post-sex cookies. Meaning that Prahd and the fine madam Tayl had surgery to remove such terrible disfigurements as warts (in a futuristic society) and saggy boobs (Because this is a sign of evil in women, according to Hubbard). And then had sex.

Wait. scratch the parentheses for a second. Having read three books in this series I think I can say the following without shaming his good name. First, the books? Do not get better. Oh god do they not get better. I am now reading the ones published after he died. GOOD. FUCKING. GOD. Second, Jet-boy and Soltan are equally shit-stains, in my book. Third: SATIRE. WHY DO YOU USE THIS WORD? I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. Fourth: Hubbard does not have a Virgin/Whore complex. He has a Virgin AND Whore complex. As in the evil women? Are whores. And the good women? Are virginal whores. It makes no sense, but that's the only way I can explain this "I am the Madonna sans child, so let's go fuck in that corner" attitude every girl has in this book.  Hubbard makes a BIG DEAL out of how horny the Widow Tayl is, but honestly? I don't see a difference between her and every other woman in these books.

Also? In the third book? There is heavily implied pedophilia. And that was still not the part that made me scream what the fuck am I reading. At some point Hubbard went way, way past OH, JOHN RINGO, NO! and right into face-melting territory. All the hugs in the world will not make it okay.

Okay, back to book.

So first Soltan scares the shit out of Prahd. Which is okay, the dude doesn't have much of a spine. And then Soltan and the Widow Tayl have an "interview." And by interview I mean this:

(Widow Tayl) was saying "And Prahd and I had the most wonderful night. In fact we had the most wonderful...wonderful...wonderful...wonderful..." The cupid was really rocking! (MM:TIV pg 521)

But there is one great quote in this chapter:

There is nothing quite so discouraging as going through this sort of thing with a woman telling you how great another man is. Wearing.

One: Best. Writer. Ever. Second: Ron, it's one word. Three letters. Sex. If you're going to use the voices you can describe the actual act. Also, I am beginning to think you are permanently thirteen.

Next chapter! Lombar inspects the ship! And he finds what Jettero is planning to do on Earth! And he disables it! And it is exactly as exciting as it sounds!

However, in trying to get Lombar out of the ship without Jet-boy noticing, Soltan agrees to Jettero's going away party. It will have:

-rainbow booze (aka "yellow, pink and purple bubblebrew")
-flowers
-blue skinned party favors ("blue skinned dancing girls for the contractors and their crews." Thanks a fucking million, Ron. The cause of feminism is set back thirty years every time you touched a pen)
-Dance bands
-Dancing bears
-fireworks (TO SEE OFF A TOP-SECRET MISSION SHIP)

And will, frankly, be the best part of all time, forever. You know that Katy Perry video? Last Friday Night? Yeah. It's that party.

To see off a top secret mission. That should have already left over a month ago.

Then he manages to get Jettero to the Widow's secret hospital, where Prahd sees to implanting the bug, and the Widow Tayl sees Jet!

"When I first saw him...I thought he was some woods God. So strong, so powerful." The lamp in her ceiling began to swing and the music took on a throb. "he stepped out of the airbus so smoothly...so smoothly...so smoothly..." A huge multipetaled blossom by the door seemed to get larger. "Oh. Oh. Oh. OH!" Cried (Tayl) and the blossom burst like an explosion!

Two things I want to point out. Apparently if you orgasm on Voltar things randomly explode. Also, you'll note the (Tayl) I put in a couple of places. This is because, like the Countess, Widow Tayl has spontaneously developed a non-insulting name: Pratia. Right around the time that she becomes attracted to Jet.

Jet can purify women. With his penis.

This happens three more times, and Soltan is stunned. She isn't even touching him. Honest-to-God, this book does not imply masturbation. It implies that The Widow Tayl is having spontaneous orgasms just by repeating Jet's name. And this drives Soltan to swear more eternal vengeance against Heller, that EVIL man lying unconscious in the hospital under the care of the doctor Soltan basically conned out of life. 

Our hero, boys and girls.

Come back tomorrow to see the party, AND BE DONE WITH THIS FUCKING TERRIBLE BOOK!

Book Bitch: Mission Earth One

Almost there. Almost there. THE END IS IN SIGHT. WE ARE ALMOST DONE WITH THIS TERRIBLE TERRIBLE BOOK.

Soltan, having conned a doctor and knocked boots with a woman named the Widow Tayl, Soltan checks the tug boat. Jettero is now zooming along, because his future bride's freedom is hanging in the balance. All is good here. Soltan moves on to his TRUE purpose in life: Graft.

He needs medical supplies for the clandestine operation on Jet-boy. So he goes to a medical supply depo and buys it. ALL OF IT. He begins inventing things to buy...and then for some reason he says to double the order and send most of the doubled cash to Lombar, because...cops? I don't know. Why things must be done this way is never very clear. But Soltan takes some of the money and mails stuff to Lombar to prove that he's giving Lombar money.

Am I giving you the impression that this plot is moving? Oh, I'm sorry. This whole thing is done item by item. We get a full list of everything Soltan is buying.

Also? He lets Lombar know he's stolen half a mil from the government through the most transparent code possible. This might shock you this deep in the book, but these guys SUCK at being spies.

Soltan does do something smart, though. He goes to the metal yards and buys as much gold as he possibly can. Apparently the value of gold is compounded on Earth--you know, America uses a gold standard and no other country really exists--so once Soltan gets to Earth, he'll be an all powerful millionare, Jettero will be poor and abandoned, and...Yeah. I'm just going to bring this out again and get it over with:

Moving on. Soltan goes BACK to the hanger, sees that Jet is redoing the paint coat on the tug boat and...

...oh boy. OOOOOOOOOOOH GUYS! WE ARE AT THIS PART! YAY!

If you can't tell by now (unless this is the first time you've been at my blog, in which case, sorry and fair warning and welcome, I hope you'll stick around a while) I'm a bitch. And nothing warms my bitchy little heart as much as watching somebody's plot swivel around and shoot the whole story in the face. It takes a lot of work, a lot of stupid, and a pretty good amount of talent to make this happen, and when it does, it is a thing of beauty.

Soltan goes over to a ship that has just arrived from Earth. We are about to find out why Jettero has to go to earth and fail to save it, why Lombar hit the fucking roof when Jet-boy's report came in. We are about to find out how Lombar is going to become Emperor of the Voltarian Empire. We are about to find out why Earth is so goddamned important. 

It is because Lombar and Soltan are importing drugs and alcohol.


The dasterdly plan of the dasterdly evil murder evil evil CIA is to import drugs and alcohol from Earth to Voltan. They're going to first addict the entire population to heroin, meth and scotch, and then control the supply, undermining the Empire's sanity and allowing Lombar to seize the throne.

Meth. Heroin. And Johnny Walker Gold Label Scotch.

Hubbard is serious. He seriously thinks this is a good plot. Aliens are using unaltered Earth drugs to control their own population. And scotch! Don't forget the scotch!

Guys, there are a few things that I like to think I know a lot about, due to my upbringing. Collective works of C.S. Lewis, basic theology, the large number of ways one can discover scorpions upon one's person (long story) and drugs. See, my dad? He's a drug and alcohol abuse counselor. I know how these things work. I know how they're developed. I know that heroin>morphene>opium, and that the more technology you have? The bigger, badder and nastier drugs you start to develop. Part of it is you have a greater facility for creating new chemicals, and part of it is you have access to things like lithium batteries and matchheads (two prime ingredients in meth. Part of the reason why I've never done drugs is, I know where they come from)

Now, this is not a drug-and-booze-less society. Earlier we had a scene where Soltan Gris tries to talk logic into Lombar, and Lombar replies with:

"Have a chank-pop." 

And the effect of a chank-pop? Is not something earth drugs can do easy. There's another scene not too long ago, after the nightclub, where Soltan is sitting and being miserable because he is hungover as fuck.

Hubbard seriously wants me to believe that, in a universe where trailer trash can make methamphetamine in a two liter coke bottle out of batteries, matches and cold medicine (among other things. You're better off drinking the battery acid, kids. Trust me) the Voltarians haven't come up with something worse for you? With a stronger high?

Or let me put it another way. This is like your local drug dealer discovering a magical portal back to the era of vikings, and bringing back mead and unrefined opium to addict the modern world to. These things are, I am sure, very nice, very addictive, and not something you ought to abuse. But we have Everclear and Vicodin. It's not like we need it.

THIS is what the whole book is resting on. THIS CONCEPT. RIGHT HERE. That the drugs a primitive society (this being ours) is capable of making are SO MUCH BETTER than the drugs a high-tech society is capable of making (and remember, kids, Voltan does have drugs to use) that people plotting to overthrow the empire can use them for leverage.

The plot of this book is all about scotch, smack and meth. THESE THINGS ARE THE MACGUFFINS DRIVING THE PLOT.

 I got nothin, guys. This is a level of stupid even I cannot compete with. See you tomorrow.

Oh, and hey? If you're enjoying this (Thirty people are visiting this page EVERY DAY right now. I KNOW YOU ARE THERE, PEOPLE) you can help me out.

I am pretty sure we're going to be finished with this book (oh god oh god we are almost done) in probably the next two days. SO! You lot can help me pick out the next one. Here are our options:

1. Mission Earth Two. (Honestly? You guys are gonna have to TELL ME you want this one, otherwise I am taking a break from El-Ron for a while)

2. Captive of Gor, John Norman. This is one of the books he wrote from a female perspective. You have no idea how bad it is.

3. Eternal Prey, Nina Bangs. First, it is a paranormal romance novel written by a woman named Nina Bangs. Second, it is a book about men who are posessed by the ghosts of dead dinosaurs. IT IS FULL OF STARS.

4. City of Bones, Cassandra Clare. I read it, it was boring as hell, but for some reason the author's history has been washing up on my internets a lot, and there will be a movie of it soon.

All of these, I have avoided doing because I could not think of how to summerize it.

My pick right now is City of Bones. Second choice, Captive of Gor. HOWEVER, If I find out one of you has a preference, I'll switch over to that one. But it will take more than one of you to get me to do Mission Earth Two. It sucks. It sucks in a way that I'll have trouble making it funny. It is Manos, the Hand of Books. 

 So COMMENT, my loyal blog readers. COMMENT! LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO!  AND YES THIS DOES MEAN YOU.

Book Bitch: Mission Earth (kill me now please) One

Okay, we are FINALLY two thirds of the way through this book. Joy! But I have to keep going. Boo. In fact, I feel kind of like this:

So when we last left our heroes: Jettero Heller is Space Elvis, El-Ron H fails at naming women, gay men and dances, Humanity must be Rescued from Ourselves and Space Elvis is just the guy to do it IF HE EVER GETS OFF HIS FREAKING ALIEN WORLD. And even in space, on far distant planets, everybody good is white.

I'm not joking about that last part.

So WHAT! HAPPENS! NEXT!?!

Soltan wakes up with a hangover from all the fun the night before. This is not an important plot point, but it's another thing I want you to remember for the payoff in a few more recaps. Because the plot? Oh, my lovely blog-readers, the plot is about to go OFF THE RAILS.

So Soltan is glaring at Jet-Boy's tugboat, while the Countess (who, remember, is an evil murderess being let out illegally so she and Jettero can screw. I'm dead serious. That's the only reason she is here) does things in front of it. In broad daylight. After being on camera the night before.

Guys, lemme point out something real quick? This book? Is offically Mission Earth: The Invader's Plan. I'm sorry. I have yet to notice a plan that wouldn't result in a pancake when Jet-boy and Soltan crash directly into the nearest mountain. Even Space Elvis is letting me down.

Oh! And they're in the paper! FRONT PAGE! Jet gets mentioned by name! And Hightee Heller says this:

"Please assure my billions of fans that I am perfectly alright." 

Billions of fans, kids. Billions. You know, I once read an article about how much work it would actually take to spend a billion dollars. It kind of shows you how truly large that word is. 

So Soltan nurses his hangover and sense of impending doom--remember, Jet was supposed to have left Voltan well over a month ago--and then his boss shows up.

Is Lombar Hisst mad because Soltan has blown the mission? Oh, no. Remember, they want the mission to fail. No. He's mad because he thinks Soltan has been getting kickbacks for the construction of Tug One and hasn't been sending anything to Lombar. He needs to give Lombar money. Otherwise Lombar will kill him.

Every time I type the word Lombar I want to add the word Puncture immediately after it. I have no idea why.

The point of the whole chapter is, they have more money but Soltan is not to take any of it for himself. Thanks, Ron, for sharing with us the anxiety of a millionare who still wants more money. I love spending time with your subconsious, but can we please get back to the story now? PLEASE?

Yes? Yippee.

Soltan goes to tell Jet what a low-down-nasty-no-good-cheating-murdering whore the Countess is, which is probably not the smartest way to get the guy you kidnapped to leave the woman he intends to marry. And Jet then points out the following:

-The Countess, who we were told tortured people with electroshock to train them, never tortured people with electroshock to train them. The equipment for doing this had been broken for years

-The Countess, who we were told trained children to murder, never trained children for murder. She did train them to rob banks, but only because her sainted mother was being held hostage by a corrupt official, who then arranged for her mother to be killed anyway.

In other words, she is innocent of the charges that have kept her in Spiteos, the hell-prison where she and Jett met! And this perfect virginal bride (who is still murderously psychotic from being held in hell-prison with nothing but a leather jacket and heels) will be vindicated by none other than Space Elvis. And Jet has no intention of leaving Voltan without her. And now Soltan's arm is paralyzed after trying to hit Jet! And he can't move it! Oh Noes! What to do?

Go see a doctor. Who tells Our Protagonist (meh) that he has a psychosomatic block against moving that arm. Which is weird because why would a society without psychologists have a diagonisis of a psychological illness. Hey, Ron? I am losing my faith in your Strawman here.

Anyway, the doctor figures out that Soltan Gris has been hypnotized. So Soltan goes to another doctor specializing in hypnotism (Because hypnotism is a legit thing, but psychology is not.) and tries to find out who and how. From a doctor named "Cutswitz".

I think Ron had these name bags with words written on random strips of paper, and he sorted them by profession, race and gender. that's the only way I can figure on a doctor named "Crobe" as in microbe, and now a doctor named Cutswitz. Either it's a jewish slur or it's "Cuts with" and either way I don't want Ron to name another thing ever ever ever ever ever. Trust me, kids. At this point I am longing for something as sane as Xenu. (ooooooooooooh SNAP!)

All the anatomical jokes went into the bag labled "Girls".

Dr. Cutter regresses Soltan to the point of the hypnotic implant, which happened when the Countess Krak gave Soltan a brush up on his English. She told him:

-If you think about hurting Jet you will be violently sick
-if you think about hitting Jet you will go paralyzed
-if you hurt his career, you will go insane.

Oh, so the reason this story has been stalled out for OVER A HUNDRED FIFTY PAGES is because the Countess hypnotized the bad guy? And not because Ron didn't know where to go with it? (hint: EARTH. TAKE IT TO EARTH. THE PLACE WHERE THE MISSION IS.)

Okay, I'll go with it.

So now free of his hypnotized bonds, Soltan goes out to face the world. Jettero Heller Will Get His, and Soltan Gris will triumph!

Or not. Because we're about to see what he plans like when he isn't in hypnotic bondage, and it really ain't all that different.

Book Bitch: Mission Earth 1

Guys! GUYS! GUYS! This is a thing! Look at it. LOOK AT IT! PEGASUS VS. CHIMERA. HOW CAN THIS BE A THING? This is simultaneously the most terrible and WONDERFUL thing I have ever seen! And the suck part is, I will be working the night that it shows (is a saturday. I will always be working) BUT I WILL FIND A WAY TO WATCH IT ANYWAY. OH. MY. GOD. This is going to be blogged. This is SO totally going to be blogged. OH MY GOD.

Right. Where were we?

...oh. Right. Mission Earth. 

So as I said earlier, I've read the second Mission Earth book, and two things became IMMEDIATELY apparent:

1. Hubbard did not edit as carefully in '85 as he did in 84.

2. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. IT SUCKS.

I have been cutting Hubbard a lot of slack, both for being a dying lonely old man (read one of his unofficial biographies. Is sad) for being a product of the pulp era of sci fi and for being a product of the fifties. I am not cutting that slack for him any more. I still haven't figured out what the FUCK is up with the gay guys (unless it's just blatant homophobia) but women? His attitude towards women goes WAY past virgin/whore complex. WAY past. As in there is not one, NOT ONE female name that doesn't make me want to hurt something. THERE IS A WHORE IN THE SECOND BOOK NAMED HARLOTTA. HARLOTTA.

RON NEEDS TO STOP NAMING THINGS.

But we're doing the first book. What happens?

Soltan Gris (Who is L. Ron Hubbard. OH MY GOD is he totally LRH. IN EVERY POSSIBLE VIABLE WAY) having gone three days without eating or drinking (DO THEY NOT HAVE PUBLIC WATER FOUNTAINS HERE?) halucinates:

1. Satan, who interrogates him on the things he does not know he does not know, and no, I did not just fucking repeat myself.

2. the crew of the space shuttle they dissappeared way back in the first chapter, and

3. Jet-boy's tug boat.

I would elaborate, but the plot thread this event kicks off goes fucking nowhere. Jet, being Space Elvis, figures out that Soltan hasn't eaten in three days and sends up a case of Perrier and cinnimon rolls. Oh, sorry. "Sparklewater". Soltan eats. The reason why Soltan has not eaten is Soltan has no money. The reason why Soltan has no money is Soltan tried to cheat Jet out of his cash and lost all of his paychecks for the next year, because somehow this is a thing.

Soltan decides to apply evil evil psychology to his problem and does the kind of bullshit connect the dots reasoning that makes dream analysis give me a headache. The devil is a father figure and the space shuttle crew are phallic symbols, and HELLO STRAWMAN, I guess you're hanging around for a while. For the record, I do think that Jungian dream analysis has SOME merit because our brains are smarter than we are, but it's more "the tornado represents your fear of loss of control because tornado" and less "THIS IS THE UNIVERSAL SYMBOL OF A PENIS."

Also, given the number of gay guys and Perfectly Platonic Man Love (TM!) there is in this series, I think that Hubbard was really religious that Freud got there first.

Anyway, Soltan decides that the meaning of his halucination is not his stomach saying FEED ME SEYMORE STUPID, but rather his subconsious telling him to go interrogate Jet's last crew, because they know what Soltan doesn't know he doesn't know.

Next Chapter: Soltan decides to go blackmail somebody into helping him. See, he watched a man murder a woman and took many many pictures on the off chance he could use that info.

By the rules of narration, this guy is the protagonist of the book. WHY? PLEASE GOD, WHY. Realize that at this very moment we could be following Jet around Voltan. We could be listening to his lady love tell him not to trust that dasterdly evil Soltan, we could see the plot through his eyes, THERE WOULD BE SO MUCH LESS TELLING.

Sigh. Blackmail murder guy gives Soltan what he asks for: counterfit money and poisoned food, so that Soltan can bribe Jet's old buddies into telling him what he needs to know that he doesn't know that he doesn't know (Thank you Ron, for making me type like an invalid).

He also picks up a girl. The way you'd pick up a squash from the grocery store. Poisoned food, counterfit cash, and a prison camp whore. And this sequence of events contains these wonderful gems:

A lot of riffraff will do anything for a female.

 "There are a lot of men involved. She could get pretty used up."

It dawned on me that I had been swindled. This was one of those non-compliant, won't types the customers reject.

In the roster office, the half naked yellow man clerk (emphasis mine--CW) spent a long time going over the records. 

Let me un-Ron that language up there: He went to pick up a whore for a gang-bang and got a rape victim instead. Also? That bolded part? Yo, Ron?

THAT'S RACIST

Why am I harping on this stuff? Because it's not part of the plot. It's not something the plot needs. It's little side stuff Hubbard threw in there because he needed to pad the book. Most authors reach for fight scenes, intrigue, romance, humor, Hunger Games usually reached for food, Sunshine, my favorite book in the whole world, reached for Stuff That Goes On In Restaurants That Also Involve Baking.

Hubbard reaches for racism, sexism and homophobia.

Could it be a portrayal of how nasty those behaviors are? No. First, because there is not one. single. positive. female character. in this book. Or in the next book. There isn't one positive portrayal of someone who isn't blatantly white. IN A NOVEL WHERE THE PROTAGONIST AND THE ANTAGONIST ARE BOTH ALIENS, THE HERO IS A WHITE CAUCASIAN SUPERMAN. And so far none of the gay guys have been anything other than pitiful victims, or just plain gross. And lesbians haven't existed yet, but I hear that changes much later in the series and it's not a change for the better.

It's the same garbage that makes Twilight so repellant. It's not the god awful plot, the sparkling (in Twilight's case) the adjenda of either book. It's the casual dismissal of real issues of substance. And it's fucking damning in Mission Earth, not because it's written by the founder of a major religion, but because of the nature of sci-fi.

Science Fiction is written in the spirit of "This is where we are going". That's why technology figures so predominantly. We're taking where we are, right now, and projecting it into the unknown future as far as we can see, and in doing so we're placing our hopes and fears for the future there, too. That's why IMHO sci-fi right now is very dismal. We've lost hope in our future, lost the optimism we had in the seventies and eighties.

There's nothing forward-looking about this book. It's a stagnant, drippy, self-fulfilling fantasy dressed up in a space helmet just because. The deeper you go, the worse it gets. It's the ugly parts of humanity shown bare, with no hope or solution offered beyond a half-hearted attempt at Space Jesus that Hubbard wished he could have been. The message of this book is not "Solve humanity's problems". It's "Gather at the feet of the redeemer."

Which is probably what Hubbard intended all along. Too bad he couldn't pull it off worth a damn.

So what happens when Soltan bribes Jet's best buddies?

"When Heller gets word of what has happened to us, he will kill you with his bare hands. Run like mad and maybe it will save your life!"

Do they show up again? Given that they have poisoned food and haven't appeared in book two? Probably not.

Next three chapters: Soltan gets lost on his way back to Jet's tug boat! For three weeks! AND NOBODY NOTICES! AND IT TAKES UP THREE CHAPTERS. You know what?

BOOK FUCKING REVIEWED.

TOMORROW: We get our vicarious revenge. Sort of. It's complicated.

Book Bitch: Mission Earth IS STILL HERE

We are FINALLY at the halfway mark people. Two weeks of bitching at three chapters a go and we're only JUST NOW making it to the halfway mark.

"Bristling with excitement" my fat ass.

So what is on the deck for today?

*reads ahead*

Oh god. This part.

Okay, before we go much further, let me recap what's going on. I haven't done one of these in a couple of days. *deep breath*

Earth doesn't exist, but it is critical to the Voltarian invasion campaign anyway. Jettero Heller is Space Elvis, and the only person who can help Earth be Rescued From Ourselves. Soltan Gris is our narrator and he fails at EVERYTHING, and Hubbard has so far managed to be racist AND mysogynist AT THE SAME TIME. Also, Jettero's girlfriend looks like this:

And acts like this:

So what happens next?!?

Well, remember when Soltan tried to cheat Jettero out of all his money, and got cheated himself? OF COURSE NOT. IN NO OTHER BOOK WOULD THIS BE A THING. But it is a thing in this book. Soltan Gris, our narrator, now has no money. He decides to scam Murder Guard out of money, because the Murder Guard smuggled the Countess Krak into Jet's new tug boat/space ship.

And then Hubbard does something that would make the unfunny cut kitty cry.

Murder Guard has to explain how the got the Countess out, see. And his story starts with the words "there was this transvestite."

See, in the Voltarian worlds, anybody sexually deviant is disposed of. The trucks that transport them are called "garbage trawlers" and on this particular one was somebody who looked a lot like the Countess. Only it's a he. His name is Tweek. He is saved ONLY so the Countess and Jet can christen his new tug boat. Which I think they are doing right now.

Way to treat other human beings with dignity, Ron.

To make the story short (too late) Soltan fails at aquiring money. He can't get any from Murder Guard, from the driver who did work for Jettero, or from his own employer. And because he doesn't even have money to buy food or water (apparently no one on Voltair heard of water fountains) he halucinates a turkish dancing girl bringing him food.

Because an alien from another galexy would do that.

Oh, but Soltan has been trained in the evil art of psychology. This is what he attributes his great success in the CIA to. Psychology.

HELLO STRAWMAN! WE HAVE FOUND YOU AT LAST. It only took you THREE HUNDRED AND TWO FUCKING PAGES to show up. 

And then...oh you have got to be fucking kidding me. TWICE? In THREE CHAPTERS? CAN YOU PLEASE KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF RON? No? Please? No, we're really doing this?

*sigh*

Soltan realizes once he's on Earth with Space Elvis, he'll have no way to get information from Voltar. How does he solve this? He finds two gay guys in the CIA. Two guys named "Too-Too" and "Oh, dear". Oh, wait. These are nicknames. What wonderful, dignified names has Ron provided for Soltan's two latest victims?

Twolah and Odur. ODUR. As in ODOR. As in stinky. Does this get worse?

Oh, yes. It gets worse. The two are going to travel two and from Earth. And when one is in transit, the other one is supposed to seduce the old gay guy from wayyyyyyyyy back in the beginning. The Councilman we all forgot about. And then they are supposed to switch places. And if they don't do it, Soltan will kill their mothers. See, he has used psychology to deduce this important fact: men love their mothers. They agree. Scene over!

You know what bugs me about this? You know Twilight? Gay people don't exist in Twilight. They are never brought up. They are never mentioned. Because it is not okay to be gay in the Mormon church and Stephenie Meyer would rather not deal with it. there is another Church where it is not okay to be gay either, and while we're not naming it everybody reading this should know exactly which one it is. And it does not get any better from here on out, folks.

It also doesn't get any more amusing. That's our three chapters, and I need to go to bed. You guys take care.

Book Bitch: Mission Earth 1

Obligatory plug first, kiddos. Silver Bullet is still free, and the coupon code is GX35X. Go get your copy.

Okay, so where were we?

Right. Ron was being an inadvertent racist. What adventure are we going to have today?

Jettero Heller buys a tug boat.

I'm serious. That's all that happens for the next six chapters. First chapter, they leave the prison and travel. Next chapter, they reach the Fleet Reserve and Jettero picks out Tug One, a tug boat that has the biggest engines in the fleet. Because Jet-boy likes speed.

That's gonna get real ironic near the end of the book, which we are, sadly, STILL not nearly halfway to.

Also the tug boat has engines that will probably blow up. Because the tug boat is mostly engine. It uses Will-Be Was engine drives, which have something to do with time, and....yeah, Ron should never be allowed to name anything EVER AGAIN. Yes, I know he's dead. We need to be proactive about this.

Next chapter? They sign paperwork. For the whole chapter. Because this is an exciting book. PAPERWORK!

Next chapter: They fly the boat to the dry docks.

Next chapter: They start cleaning the boat. People recognise Jet because he is Space Elvis. Soltan realizes this could be bad because he and Jettero are supposed to be back on Earth (remember, there is a mission and it involves Earth and we are not doing it because fuck if I know) and he starts to sweat both the fact that he's not gone and that he has no money.

Next Chapter: The Countess Krak arrives.

Next chapter: Jet shows off his new boat and gives the Countess more clothes. This chapter also showcases more of Ron's songwriting skills, and having actually listened to a recording of the man singing, I am so glad I can spare you from the nightmare that is "Lepertige Lady"

You know, when I told certain IRL friends I was reading this series, they looked me in the face and said, dead serious, I need to read Battlefield Earth because it is a great book. It is a wonderful book. It is one of the best sci-fi books they have ever read. I've only read two of Hubbard's books, this one and a tiny part of Old Doc Methusaluh and I can say this: His writing is consistent. VERY consistent. As in I can predict that Battlefield is just as much of a brick, probably just as fucking bloated, and probably just as likely to make us listen to the characters having sex while the narrator obsesses over money.

And like I said yesterday, I do not get this series at all. I understand it, but why would Hubbard write this? WHY WOULD HE PUBLISH THIS? I can see him trying to make the whole "psychology is bad" arguement fly, but kids, you could take certain characters out (IE Lombar Hisst) and put certain IRL people in and the story would not change at all. I will not say who those people are, but holy bleeding hell I did not know that your subconsious could bleed all over a page like this.

He did not write this intentionally. There is no way he would have. This whole book is screaming "Throw shit at the wall and see what sticks" style writing.

...what else do you want me to say? It's basically six chapters about buying a car. YOU try to make it entertaining. I am going to bed.

TOMORROW: Soltan Gris halucinates money.

Book Bitch: Mission Earth 1

<---Obligatory self plug first. The Freebie code is GX35X 

I am plugging the book because the next two lil books I'm releasing (In October and November/December, depending on when I decide to take time off from this thing) will pick up DIRECTLY where two of these stories leave off. So you might want to read that book.

Okay, so where were we.

...Right. Sitting out in the hall. Thanks Ron. Thanks a ton.

So after we listen to the main character have sex--LISTEN, mind. We see nothing becasue we're not even in the fucking room--we get back to a theme of Soltan Gris is a failure. The narrator is trying to defeat the book's antagonist, but he can't because he is SPACE ELVIS, And I really need to just do this now and get it over with:

 Look, I don't know anything about how valuable Hubbard's philosophy was (actually, I know a great deal about it, but I am TRYING to keep the Church That Shall Not Be Named out of this flog) but in his writing? He kind of takes his subconsious and vomits it all over a plate. The value of this book is NOT the plot. It's NOT the romance, it's NOT how interesting sex looks when you're listening to it through a wall (yes. I AM going to bring that up a lot. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT TO YOUR READERS, RON? HOW CAN YOU?) It's the fact that once you crack the covers on this book, you are looking directly into the mind of a founder of a major religion. And it is amazing. Scary and disturbing as fuck, but very educational.

So what happens to Ron's self inserts today?

Soltan argues with a computer. And loses. Again.

Oh, but he finds out that Jettero's weakness is GAMBLING. And he sets up one of the evil murder evil evil guards to gamble ALLLLLLLL Jettero's money away so that he can't spend any more on the Countess Krak and will have to go into space because bankruptcy, I guess. Only the loaded dice Soltan gives Evil Guard fail, and Soltan ends up losing a years worth of paycheck in a game of dice that he isn't even playing in.

And I am flabbergasted by this scene. No, I am truely amazed by it, and the plot sequence to follow. I have no freaking clue why Hubbard chose to write this book the way he did. The Gor novels, I get. Eternal Prey, I get. The book about having sex with a lake? Asexuals exist, and they need porn too. But...okay. You're not going to get why this is so astoundingly weird unless you know at least a LITTLE bit about L. Ron Hubbard's life. There is a book out there called A Piece of Blue Sky. Go find it, go read it, come back here, and OH MY FUCKING GOD you will realize how deep we are inside of Hubbard's head.

And the thing is?  I don't think he intended to do it. Hubbard is not that good at writing. Oh, he's good, don't get me wrong, but if he were that good, Ladies and Gents, he would have had Jettero as his main character. This is Hubbard's subconsious screaming THIS IS WHO YOU ARE, STUPID, and I honestly don't think he was listening. It's like S. Meyer's strong Mormon theology in Twilight. It's there. It is a thing. But she doesn't have the subtly to have pulled that off. Trust me. Nobody tries to write a morality play and makes their male lead a fucking pedophile stalker at the same time.

Okay, back to the flog:

Now, it may not look like I've reviewed much, but this whole sequence: the dice, the failing, Soltan Gris becoming hugely in debit and moaning about how he has no money? It took three whole chapters. Which is what my usual reviews have been. But I see no reason at all to pad my blog as much as Hubbard does his book (and thank all your lucky stars I've spared you more of his poetry) we're going to continue. And the next part...Okay, let me preface this with a direct quote from the man himself. In fact, I am linking directly to the book I got the quote from, and I REALLY recommend you guys read the whole thing. It is Hubbard's biography, pretty well researched, and it is facinating. This is what Hubbard said about China. These are his actual words:

"They smell of all the baths they didn't take. The trouble with China is, there are too many chinks here"

In his defence, and I can't believe I'm saying that, he was seventeen. I said some pretty disgusting things about gays when I was ninteen (which I no longer believe in, and someday I'll write that up.) (and before we go any further, to the homosexual community in general: I AM VERY VERY SORRY THAT I WAS A PIG WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. I NO LONGER FEEL THAT WAY AND WILL BE HAPPY TO ABASE MYSELF FOR SEVERAL HOURS IF IT WILL MAKE UP FOR BEING SAID PIG)

So, got that memorized?


 In the next chapter, as part of a circus freak show, the Countess is training a primate and something Hubbard describes only as a "yellow man." You get no description of the "yellow-man" where he is not directly compared to the ape. All this thing is, is a brute. And he almost kills the trainer (who allowed the slave to get a neck lock on him. TSTL trainer) and is stopped by Heller. And then, when Jet-boy leaves, the "yellow-man" goes the Countess and says (text reproduced EXACTLY as written):

"You keep that (bleepard) Heller away from me or I'll break his (bleeping) neck!"

I've been putting up with this through the whole book, people. The whole fucking book. Also note: the "yellow-man" is provided no  humanity. But he can talk, and he can swear, and he is saying this after Jet-boy nearly killed him. So this isn't a brute. This IS a human being...or, you know, sentient being, given the whole alien thing. But it is a being with thoughts and feelings and whatever, that is identified only using a racial slur for the Chinese.

And then the Countess fucking straight up kills the "yellow-man". Specifically for insulting Jet. What does she say when she finds out that she just cold-bloodedly beat a man to death? "That'll teach him not to threaten Jettero!"

I. am. in. awe. of. this. 

Oh, it is fucking morally reprehensible. We have a white woman (as established by the "Earth-Caucasians are our direct relations" sequence) straight up murdering a creature identified only by a racial slur for the Chinese because the...sigh..."yellow-man" insulted her white love interest's honor. Not because any actual hurting of the white man went down. No. The yellow-man insulted Jet's honor, and the Countess defended him, and everyone is supposed to be okay with this. 

Why did Hubbard write this? I am serious. Why in the name of all things holy did he write this scene? It serves no purpose in the book whatsoever, it doesn't evolve anyone's character, it purely exists so a white woman can defend her white man by beating up a brown person. Later on in the chapter the Countess apologizes to Heller for ruining the boots he had given her. While she was killing the yellow-man. to defend his honor. And they go back to their epic plan to rescue the defendants of Prince Caucalsia and his colony of Atalanta.

Let me repeat this sequence of events.

-A white woman. Kills a brown person. For insulting a white man.

-And then she apologizes to said white man for ruining the boots he gave her while she was killing this brown person.

-And then they go back to planning their rescue of the caucasian race of Earth.

This exists in a book written by the founder of a major religion in the last year of his life. Please explain how this is a thing.
 
TOMORROW: Jettero rents a tug. For several chapters.

Seriously. That's all that happens. Jettero rents a tug. I've just reviewed the next...hold on. (counts) SIX FUCKING CHAPTERS RON ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? SIX CHAPTERS ON A SPACE SHIP oh who the fuck am I kidding. He spent ten years sailing around the Atlantic ocean with his own private navy. I should be glad we don't get an account of every fucking rivet.

Be here tomorrow, kids, where we find out if CW can make renting a fucking tug boat entertaining.

Book Bitch:Mission Earth 1

Okay, first off, Obligatory self-plug:

 Starbleached is live on Amazon now. So if you didn't get a chance to grab a copy from Smashwords for some reason, drop on by and snag a copy.

Okay. On to review. 

Oooooooh friends. OOOOOOOOOH. We're here. we're finally at the chapter I HAVE BEEN WAITING THIS WHOLE REVIEW FOR. Get ready folks. It's going to be at the tail end of this but OH MY GOD, guys...this is the suck of all sucks.

Hubbard's choice of viewpoint character is becoming increasingly baffling to me. Soltan Gris does not do shit in this book. The interesting things are happening to Jettero Heller. The interesting thoughts are happening to Jettero Heller. We should be inside of Jettero Heller's head. And we are not. And the more I read this book, the more I question Hubbard's choice.

Okay, where were we?

...right. Our narrator has just puked on himself. Again...why is this guy our viewpoint char?

The first line in our next chapter is:

In my room, Heller got my clothes off me...

Bow. chicka. wow. wow.

Yes, my loyal faithful blog-readers. The first paragraph of this chapter is all the slash fodder you could ever need. Also, Jettero goes through Soltan's pockets, containing all the incriminating info about Earth. Which I already know Jettero just read. The guy is smarter than anybody else alive, he's subtle (save for pickup lines) and he has to know that the bad guys are up to something. In fact, I've got one thing to say to our narrator:

So while Jettero goes through Soltan's pockets, Soltan tries not to puke. Huh, there must have been something in Dr. Crobe's offices. Something micro if you get my drift.

Next chapter.

Soltan gets a present! It's a snake. And Countess Krak.

Hey, Ron? Naming your doctor after germs makes me highly suspicious reguarding the Countess's name. Just sayin'. 

Alright, so they smuggle the Countess up to Soltan's bedroom, because for some reason Jettero is going to be staying here tonight. And Jettero has pink champagne sparklewater. (For fuck's sake, Ron, we are not fourteen. It's fucking BOOZE) and he and the Countess discuss...oh god.

Okay, kids. fasten your seatbelt. See, there is this myth about a Prince Caucalsia and his magical colony Atalanta. And he has his own folk song, which is unbelieviably stupid. (Seriously. I refuse to reproduce it here. If you're curious go find a used copy of this shit and look it up.) And they point out that there are Caucasians on Earth. And a magical city of Atlantis. So the Caucasian race on Earth must be descended from the advanced aliens that founded Atlantis! WOW! Hey, Ron?

 Thank you. So after this startling revelation is made, The Countess and Jettero give Soltan a look. A look that means Hey, can we borrow your bed? But surely, surely Space Elvis isn't about to--

 "Are there any empty cubicles along the passageway where you could sleep?"

--He is. He's throwing our narrator out of his bed so that he and his girlfriend can...

Oh my god. No.

A buckle clinked on the floor. 

Ron. Please. For the love of God, humanity, and little green apples, please...

There was a creak of the bed...then her voice, plainly heard, "You will have to be careful with me, darling. I have never had a man before."

No virgin ever in the history of the universe ever said--what the fuck am I doing. RON! PLEASE MOVE THE VIEWPOINT CHARACTER OUT OF EARSHOT BEFORE YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS START TO--

"Oh, Jet."

 "Oh, Jet. Oh, Jet, oh, Jetohjet Oh JET!"

Dear Lafayette Ron Hubbard,

You have done something spectacular. Something no other writer has ever done before. You have turned me from a well reasoned, intelligant human being looking for a thing of minimal entertainment, and have turned me into that guy in the hotel room right next to the newlyweds. THANK YOU, RON. I TOTALLY NEEDED TO LISTEN TO YOUR CHARACTERS HAVE SEX. IT TOTALLY MADE MY DAY.


I would say fuck you, but it's a little redundant at this point.

Also the evil-murder-evil-evil guards basically do the touchdown sign every time the Countess has an orgasm. I am SO glad we're sitting out in the hall. Soltan Gris elects to go sleep on the floor out of earshot.

Why are we following this guy around again?

Book Bitch: Mission Earth 1

So to recap: Space Elvis, Hubbard can't do women's issues, Soltan Gris can't win a fight with a machine, Earth doesn't exist, yada yadda yadda, you get the drill. We're on to Part Four of this brick, children. Part Four. And we are nowhere near the halfway point.

Okay, first off Hubbard has to remind us that Soltan is writing this catalogue of stupidity from jail. Why he chooses to slow down a book that is already a fucking brick of molasses is beyond me. But he does.

Next chapter.

Soltan returns to Spiteos to discover that it is being cleaned. And that Countess Krak has taken a bath and is now wearing clothes. And they are clean. Okay, it's a coverall, but at least she's not flopping around in her altogethers. She's even washed her hair. 

Yes, loyal blog-readers. Space Elvis has given the Countess Krak something to live for. The thought of his penis has lifted her out of her evil-murder-evil-evil ways and driven her to such depths of self-abasement as bathing.

Do I need to remind you that she's a virgin?

Jesus Christ, Ron. Did they skip subtly when you went to college?

Wait. This is the guy that got into a shooting war with a magnetic deposit. Of course they did.

 Then she proves that she is no longer evil by refusing to work with people who are maimed. And then she almost murders Soltan because he sat in Jettero's chair. And then she makes Soltan brush up on his English. (Ugh, remember this.) And then Jettero gives the Countess clothes.

This is probably the first ligitimately good thing I've seen Space Elvis do in this book. Because the Countess has been kept in a prison being guarded by psychotic murderers without any clothing of her own whatsoever. The reason why she wears that jacket and shoes and nothing else? Because other than the coverall, that is all she owns. A jacket. A pair of shoes. And what I imagine to be the lower half of a haz-mat suit are the only things she is given to wear when her guards are Voltarian serial rapists. I think I would be kind of crazy by now, too. And I would definately be flipping out as hard as she does right now. In this context, Jett isn't just  giving her pretty things to play with. He's giving her back control over her own body. In a way, he's giving her back part of her humanity.

Is this how it's presented by Ron the Magnificant? Nope. It's 100% Girl With Shinies and awww, isn't Jet nice for giving this poor girl something pretty to wear.

Next chapter.

Soltan goes to get Jettero and hears him singing softly to himself in his cell. He realizes they are in lurve, ladies and gents. Lurve. And the description of the type of people who sing love songs is like...wow, Ron. Just wow. See, they sing about UNREQUITED LOVE. They paint their faces BLACK and "by means of tubes"  weep literal tears of blood. So L. Ron Hubbard did get one prediction right. He predicted the existance of goths way back in 1985. You go, dude.

He reminds Jett about their next appointment with the Countess, then gets called away on a message that isn't really a message. And when he gets back...

They're dancing. Together. And then he kisses her. Because we couldn't see this coming from eighteen billion light years away.

You know, romance isn't fun to read about when your VP char is neither of the two characters falling in love. It kind of makes you feel like the guy stuck in the hall 'cause his roomie put a sock on the doorknob. But Ron wouldn't know anything about that, now would he?

Next Chapter:

Soltan takes Jett down for his appointment with the freak-making Dr. Crobe. (Oh Jesus, I just realized...MI-crobe. GOD DAMMIT RON! USE SOME CREATIVITY!) only to become nausious at the very thought of operating on Space Elvis. But this is only the preliminary exam, so Soltan just has to suck it up and deal with it. Which is weird, he thinks, because he never had a problem with blood before.

Dr. Crobe tells Jettero to eat lots of hamburgers and drink beer.

I think he could have figured this out on his own.

And then Jett notices that, hey, certain kinds of people from Earth look like him! Not all of them. Just...certain kinds. Could he please have a book with a certain folk tale in it? He gets it, and looks up the legand of Prince Caucalsia and his colony of Atalanta. WOW! WHAT A THING! and nobody else is excited.

If you don't see it yet, don't worry. It gets much more blatant very soon.

Then Crobe, tired of playing spot the racist with Hubbard's self insert, explains that they'll probably have to lop a few inches off the top of Jettero's bones, because hey, he's the Earth equivilant of ninteen fucking years old, and he's already too tall for his racial type.

For fuck's sake, Ron. Name him Kal-El and get it over with, K?

Anyway, the point of this whole chapter is...Soltan Gris pukes on himself.

Our narrator just threw up at the thought of blood.

This is truly a book for the ages. 

Blog Bitch: Mission Earth 1

Okay! happy happy fun times are back.

Or not. Because we're still reading Mission Earth.

When we last left our heroes: Jettero Heller is Space Elvis, the Countess Krak is a Bondage Disney Princess, Soltan and his organization are the DUMBEST FUCKING MORONS ON EARTH VOLTAN, We Earthlings must be Rescued From Ourselves by Space Elvis, L. Ron Hubbard fails at writing about women's issues, and I kind of got private drama all over the place yesterday. What happens next?

NOTHING.

The next three chapters contribute nothing to this book. We are doing them anyway, because you want me to (you do, right?) but there is nothing to this at all. You could cut them out of the book and the plot would be better off.

 First up! Soltan has to punish the guard that brought Jettero food for...bringing Jettero food.

It is exactly this exciting:



The end result of this? We find out that Soltan fails at punishing guards, and that Jettero is a saint.

Next chapter! Soltan argues with a machine!

End result? Soltan fails at arguing with machines, and we see again, that Jettero is a saint (and that you can have scientists and spaceships and be able to learn languages in thirty fucking seconds and still have AIs that are dumber than this guy:

Next Chapter:Soltan Gris signs a paper.

That is the whole purpose of this scene. SOLTAN GRIS SIGNS A PAPER. THERE IS. A WHOLE CHAPTER. DEDICATED. TO SIGNING. A PAPER.

And I am sad to say that you do need to remember this. It is a shipment from Earth. It is the reason the DUMBEST FUCKING MORONS ON VOLTAN are interested in Earth. Got it? Good.

Here's something that is actually entertaining to take the bad taste out of your mouth:

Book Bitch: Mission Earth 1 (TRIGGER WARNING)

So I've been writing these things first thing in the morning, lately. It lets me get the day started on the right foot, because I am that kind of bitch, and also it gets the badness out of the way first.

HOWEVER, yesterday (today) was Sunday. And I work on Sunday mornings. Those of you who have read my blog a long time will know that I work for a boss who is sometimes...difficult. This, compounded with the CITY WIDE POWER OUTAGE yesterday afternoon means that I am writing this at midnight.

When I am also pretty damn drunk. Because I can be. I don't have to go anywhere on Monday, and usually I wind up buying a bottle of something new anyway (One of my hobbies is alcohol, a side effect of a boss who, more often than not, hands me something monsterously intoxicating and says "Try this". I have a very large collection of liquor, mostly fancy things like St. Germaine) and today the Boss was difficult. (and by difficult I mean she called at least one person a retard because we didn't notice where she'd moved the brooms to this week). So I am medicating.

And I am glad I am drunk. I need to be, to make it through these chapters without killing somebody. Ron has pissed me off today, my friends. Oh, yes, indeed he has.

Last time we were here (deep breath) We heard from Ron, a censor, a robot (who can't swear) and the narrator, who is Soltan Gris and who works for the CIA, Jettero Heller is Space Elvis and he Redeems People who are evil murder evil evil (excepting our narrator) The Countess Krak is evil murder evil evil and hotter than the surface of the sun, and we all must be Rescued From Ourselves by Space Elvis.

Oh god, people. Oh god, oh god oh god, I will need more alcohol before this chapter is over.

In a more specific "Previously", the Countess Krak went from this:

to this:

in about one point five eight seconds. And now she is meeting Jettero Heller for the very first time. Jet begins exploring the Countess's equiptment, which is covered in an awful layer of grime and which is all (our narrator assures us) straight out of Torturers R' Us. The Countess starts to upbraid Soltan for being five minutes late, and then...

...she stopped. Her eyes were on Jettero Heller. 

By the way? Jettero no longer looks like a word. Which is sad, because it wasn't much of one to begin with. Continueing...

She was just standing there, watching him. There was no expression on her face. There never was. This female was as beautiful as a Goddess on the altar of a church, but every bit as cold as that carved stone.

BTW, and just FYI, Hubbard had a serious thing for the Goddess Diana. As in, he was in deep with occultists (As in Alastar Crowley had to tell one of Hubbard's best buddies that he thought LRH was full of shit, and the dude might want to distance himself pronto. Let me repeat that: Alestair Crowley thought L. Ron Hubbard was full of shit.) he named a boat Diana, he named his daughter Diana, and his religion is founded on a book called Dianetics. Diane-tics.

And that is the last time I will bring up the Church that Shall Not Be Named. I promise.

So the Countess of Terrible Beauty is following Jettero around the room like she's a fucking heliotrope, and Jet abrubtly abandons his exploration of the torture chamber, spins a hundred pound punching bag around on his finger like it's a fucking basket ball, does a triple axle off the handlebars, nails the landing, and says this to the evil murder evil evil Countess Krak:

(Text reproduced EXACTLY as written:)

"HelLO!" he said. "Hello, hello, HELLO! What is a beautiful creature like you doing in a place like this?"

.......

I'm getting another drink now.

 In his defence, Soltan also bangs his head against the wall. But what does the Countess Krak do?

She just sat there...in a low, strained voice...she said, "You should not talk to me...I am not worthy of you...I am rotten. I am vile. I am not fit for you to talk to...that is the first friendly thing anyone has said to me in three years!"

And then she breaks down sobbing.

...yeah. Hey, Ron?

MOVING. ON.

So while the Countess has her breakdown, Soltan rigs up Jettero's language lesson. He needs to learn English.  Soltan decides that nothing less than an Ivy League accent will do for Space Elvis, rigs that up, and hands the learning helmet over to Jettero. Who starts listening to the tape, says "Fuck this shit", and then re-rigs the Super Space Learning Helmet to teach him the English language in thirty seconds.

Let me repeat that. Jettero Heller. Learns. The English Language. In thirty. fucking. seconds.

 And then the evil murder evil evil Countess says this:

"Isn't he beautiful?"

Yeah. They're going to fuck in about seventy pages.

NEXT. CHAPTER.

Alright, guys. Fair warning? If you are bothered by a discussion of the R word? (that being rape) DO NOT READ PAST THE CUT. I AM NOT KIDDING. There may, in fact, be TMI about your friendly reviewer today, because I am about to bring up things that I have never brought up in public before. I will not judge you, there are things I can't handle, either. So I repeat: IF YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH DISCUSSING SEXUAL ASSAULT, DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT. NOTHING AFTER THE CUT IS GOING TO BE VERY FUN.

Here is a picture of a cute kitten. If you're opting out of the next chapter, enjoy it, instead:

Book Bitch: Mission Earth 1 and Prophesy

Alright, first up:

Both Starbleached and Silver Bullet are free until tomorrow. The code for Silver Bullet is EE66Z and the code for Starbleached is ST83W . Make me feel happy today and pick up a copy. (Also Blue Ghosts, the lil' book for next month, picks up where Silver Bullet left off. So you just might wanna, ya know?)





NEXT! We are mixing things up today. Because I am doing my first indie book review! AND! I'm going to continue going through Mission Earth, because the sooner I am done the sooner I can do something else. So the next point on our itinerary today is INDIE BOOK REVIEW!!! YAY! Some poor brave soul offered up their book to my bitchery. And it was a pretty decent book too:

Book: Prophesy (Ghost Wars Saga)
Author: Justin Wilkerson

The good: Think Honor Harrington with the Belgariad thrown in for spice. All the space-war porn you can stomach, the story follows the newly crowned king Cuzak and his traitor brother while they battle it out for the crown of Specter.

Also? They're ghosts. No, like literally. Ghosts. The premise is intriguing, the plot is fast paced (with the exception of an info-dumping Princess Bride style prologue that could easily go bye-bye) and there's a couple concepts (such as the ghosts getting two consecutive lives. They totally get a Mulligan, guys) that are pretty damn cool.

The bad: Okay, I'm not going to go ape on spelling and grammar. It's an indie book. Most of us are on our own because, guys? Freelance Editors cost a lot of money and (more importantly) most of 'em are full of shit. There's a few good ones that I know of, but the first (and last) time I ever paid for editing, he made my book read like it was written by William Shatner. Suffice to say the book has a few issues and leave it at that.

More problematic are the names of people, locations and fauna. It is established early on that 1. this is an alien race that live for thousands of years. They have ducks. They have a King Rembrandt. They call Mars "Mars". I think the issue is with the prologue. It goes so far out of its way to establish the alien nature of this race that having names I recognize gives me whiplash. I have the biggest issue with the Scottish surname of a VERY major character. I just don't buy that the Scottish naming rules would evolve in a culture that 1. doesn't share the language, the culture, or the baggage and 2. is implied by that oh-so-problematic prologue to be at least several hundred, if not a thousand, years in the past.

The bitch: My reaction to this book was a little on the meh side. You know how I said it was like Honor Harrington? It is VERY like Honor Harrington. Like I had the thought process hey, I understand this because it has appeared in every Honorverse book ever, I wonder if the author knows this? pretty frequently. And sadly, the constant reminders of Honorverse did not exactly come off well for this book. Unlike Honor, though, we're not given a lot of time early in the book to get to like the characters. We don't get to see the brothers interact before they split off, we don't get to see what frustrates the King(s) or Queen(s). We're thrown straight into war-porn, which is alright if that's your thing, but it ain't quite mine.

All that said, I LOVE the concept of ghost-world. When Mars was thrown into the mix I literally thought OMG WE WILL HAVE THE GHOSTS OF MARS. I don't think I can in all honesty say CHECK THIS BOOK OUT IT IS AWESOME, but I can say that if Honorverse and hard-core sf warfare is your thing, Prophesy might be one hell of a fun time-sink.

It sure as fucking hell is better than Mission Earth.

Oh fuck, that means I have to go back into Mission Earth, doesn't it? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!!!!

(PS. if you have an indie book you want me to review, or you are an indie writer, post suggestions over here and I will get to it eventually.)

BOOK BITCH MISSION EARTH JESUS CHRIST THIS BOOK SUCKS.

I'm not even going to fucking bother numbering the chapters anymore. Between the "parts" and the fact that the chapters are often two or three pages long (NOT NEARLY ENOUGH, RON) I don't think you or I or anyone cares enough to give a fuck.

Next chapter:

Lombar Hisst and Soltan Gris are watching "the freak parade" through one way glass. Ajustable one way glass. I guess this was high SF back in 1984. Apparently the CIA (Coordinated Intelligance Apparatus. Remember, kids, this is SATIRE) takes criminals and turns them into circus freaks. Either figuratively--via implied torture training to make them fancy juggliers (crusty jugglers /Hot Fuzz flashback) or literally, through cellular manipulation. Selling these is one way they get money. God, Voltan must SUCK for grants. Haven't they heard of crowd funding? Anyway...

Dr. Crobe does the cellular manipulation. He is a greasy cardboard cutout Hubbardesque villian and He Will Get His. The trainer, however, is the Countess Krak. She carries a whip, and we are all going to pretend that her name is a reference to that, and not her ass, k? The Countess Krak is a terrible human being, Soltan Gris assures us. She trained children to rob banks via unknown methods that Soltan Gris knows involves torture. He does everything except accuse her of tormenting puppies. And then he points out that she is fucking gorgeous, but if you approach her, you lose a hand.

Also? She's nude except for a coat and a pair of shoes.

Nude female=evil. Evil female=sexualized. Good female=virginal LADY of perfection. L. Ron Hubbard, ladies and gentlemen: paragon of progressive thought.

Lombar wants both Crobe and Krak to train Jettero. However, because Mission Earth must fail, they're to do a shitty job of it. And then this happens:

Lombar turned to the Countess Krak. "And as for you, you perverted whore," he snapped her within an inch of him, "off the high tower you go if you teach this agent one single word, one single trick of espionage!"

1. I totally thought Lombar had broken the Countess in half the first time I read that
2. Again: Ron the progressive feminist I do not think so. And I don't give a fuck that this was written in 1984.
3. Jet seems to be doing a pretty good job at this espionage thing on his own. He's already got Soltan underestimating him, and that's 90% of the job right there.

NEXT. CHAPTER.

Soltan Gris goes back to Spiteos and discovers Jettero and the evil murder evil evil guards sitting together drinking Perrier and eating junk food. Jett, ladies and gents, has tamed his guards. JET HAS TAMED THE EVIL CRIMINAL GUARDS TO BRING HIM PERRIER AND SWEET ROLLS.

SPACE ELVIS TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

Also, Soltan got a promotion, so he has to buy drinks for everyone in the nearest night club. Remember this. It is an important plot point in the next several chapters.

NEXT CHAPTER

Soltan reminds us that the Countess Krak, that statuesque but evil evil beauty, is evil murder evil evil and they have to introduce Jettero Heller, Space Elvis to her so she can fail at teaching him how to be a spy.

Do you really need me to spell out what happens between these two?

NEXT CHAPTER (yes. Hubbard devoted an entire chapter to WALKING TO AN APPOINTMENT. This truly "bristles with excitement on every page!")

The Countess Krak is whipping her staff. Remember: Nude save for leather coat and shoes, and she is whipping people.
...

Way to let your bondage out, Ron.

HOWEVER, She is abusing her staff because she was sent a...sigh...Lepertige (LEOPARD. TIGER.) to train, and it had been declawed. And she is pissed as hell because DECLAWING CATS IS WRONG (actually, I agree with her on this. How would you like YOUR fingers amputated or paralyzed just because somebody can't keep you off the drapes?) She tells the staff if they ever give her another wounded animal, she will have it kill them. Then they leave and we go from this:

 Straight to this:

 She gets this deadly, wounded wild animal--newly shipped to her, so that it has no reason to trust her whatsoever--to put its maimed and bleeding paw in her hand so she can examine it. Then she orders its claws regrown and tells the scumbags who work for her to leave it the fuck alone.

Oh, my God, guys. We are so very, very, very fucked.

TOMORROW: SPACE ELVIS MEETS THE COUNTESS KRAK!